BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 61: The Mother Wound: 7 Signs You Have It & How to Heal.

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

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The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome back to the Being Her podcast. Today's episode is all about the mother wound and how that may affect you and how you can move through it, get over it, get under it and get through it. Trusty book here to tell you all about the mother wound. The mother wound is a really interesting concept because I know we talk a lot on this podcast about all things to do with attachment theory, John Bulby's attachment theory, and how that presents whether you're anxiously attached or whether you are avoidant.

Those things all come from how you were parented usually. If a parent was not present, if they did not react to your emotions in a way a child needs, it creates an attachment style that is quite difficult for the child to experience and live through. Namely, there's this really famous experiment that they did to illustrate this. when a mother is with a child and she reacts to that child according to their emotions, the child is laughing, she's laughing with them, they've hurt themselves, she's like, oh, you've hurt yourself. That mirror neuron helps a child to develop.

They did a famous experiment, as I said, whereby they told the mother not to react to a child. So they have a mother and a child, the child is doing their usual thing and the mother is reacting usually. Then they say just go stonewall. The children's reactions are incredible to watch, also quite sad to watch, but they break down, they start having a really hard time. They can't believe their mother is suddenly ignoring them. It affects young children to a huge degree to not be mirrored by their primary caregiver.

But unfortunately, for a lot of us, that doesn't have to be an experiment. That is a genuine life occurrence that happens. Why? Some parents are not available. Some parents are exhausted. Some parents are tired. And it's not the modern little bit of exhaustion that we're usually used to. It's addiction.

It's all these incredibly difficult things. to traverse through that a child will notice and have a hard time living with because their mother is not there and she's not reacting to them. That can create the mother wound. The mother wound is essentially when there is that gap, that break where your mother could not respond to you or would not respond to you or did not respond to you in the way that you needed and you go through life trying to, and I will tell you what the signs of the mother wound are in a minute and I'll tell you how to heal it later on, but you keep trying to recreate this mother wound. You keep trying to close the mother wound.

And it is probably one of the most painful experiences to go through. There is also the father wound too, so I can address that in a different video. Basically, it just means your emotional needs were not met or were met sometimes, not met at other times. Sometimes she responded well to you. Sometimes she did not. And it was just a cluster fluff of things that happened to you. You need to, basically, you need to constantly try and find your mother's approach. approval or seek it or find a way to attach to her. You are probably anxiously attached. You probably

don't know how to attach to people correctly. You don't know what people want from you. You don't know how to have a close relationship. And that is all to do with having a mother wound. I think perhaps the most difficult thing about realizing you have a mother wound is if your mother was not loving or compassionate to you throughout your life, you cannot be loving or compassionate to yourself because you have not learned to see yourself. You see yourself as your mother saw you. That is your primary caregiver. So if your mother did not see you through a compassionate eye, if she thought you were too much, if she thought you were annoying, if you didn't come at a time in her life whereby she wanted you, you are going to feel that way about yourself throughout

life. And that is very, very difficult. Becoming a mother and nurturing children and having also had been a child of a parent, I realize how intricate and different. And different. this relationship can be because one of the first things that I'm going to tell you about healing the mother wound is realizing that women are human. But first, before we move forward, and I want this to be useful for you, so I'm going to get through and talk about the signs of having a mother wound, I'm going to address it like this. Signs. Number one sign, you've got a mother wound and you've got this attachment problem from your mother. Relationships are difficult for you. Relationships with men, or if you're a man relationships with women, or if you date the same gender, relationships with

either or relationships in general. Friendships are difficult. Someone sends you a text message and it doesn't read right. You read ill into it. You don't know why someone said something. Everything is like a hurdle. You don't have simple and easy relationships. They are difficult. They're like wading through mud. You don't know how to get to where you want to go. You don't know how to explain things. You are often labeled as demanding or clingy or controlling, which is such a big sign of anxious attachment style because we often see anxious attachment as a little bit of like anxiety, ooh, I don't know if they're going to reply to me. For me, anxious attachment mainly manifests in people that I've seen it manifest in via the clinginess, the controlling, the manipulating aspects of it.

That is number one. Number two, you have low confidence, you have low self-esteem. If the mother was absent or missing in her attention to you, if she did not mirror you, if she did not validate, and I don't mean constantly validate, did you know in research, it shows that a mother only has to mirror you 30% of the time for you to have a secure attachment. So we're talking about less than 30% of the time your primary caregiver did not mirror you and you have this low self-esteem and low confidence. You're constantly questioning yourself, but how could I? Why would I? I don't know how to act in this world. You feel insignificant and

just low constantly. That is because as a child, you did not get that validation from the person who you needed it from most. Number three, imposter syndrome. No matter what you do, look, all of us get imposter syndrome, by the way, because, you know, if you're doing, something bigger than what you're currently used to, you will feel embossed syndrome. So this is not the be all and end all, but I will say that if you feel imposter syndrome constantly, like, why would my friends like me? Why would I be chosen for this job? Why would I ever be good at anything? Why would someone date me? You could have a mother wound for sure. Number four, boundaries. Man, this is a big one. And I talk about it a lot in my book, the new rules. If you pre-order that book, guys, and you email

support at margarita Nazarenko.com, I will give you one of my masterclasses for free. The Polarity Masterclass It is my favorite masterclass, and it is everything I know about male, female attraction in one masterclass. So if you pre-order the book before the 29th May, you will get that masterclass for free. And if you haven't, then I'm sorry, I hope you get the book anyway, and I hope you get the master class anyway. Moving on, boundaries. I talk about that a lot in the book. It's the fear of rejection if you set your boundaries. People who have secure attachment don't understand the anxious fear of setting boundaries

in a relationship. Oh, my God. And they're like, why? but why can't you say, I heard on someone's podcast, somebody said, anxious people are afraid of saying no. And someone who clearly is not anxiously attached was saying, why would they be afraid of saying no? Just say no.

Because when you are anxiously attached, which I used to be, you are afraid that any inconvenience or hurdle you create in a person's life will make you disposable, that you will literally be put in the bin and you will not be loved anymore. That is how dire and sad it is to have this attachment style in your, in your core, it is really, really difficult. That if you feel you set your boundaries, you will become intrinsically unlovable and disposable and just not worth people's time. That if you say, no, I don't want to go to the coffee shop and get the coffee for you because I'm busy at work right now, they'll go,

oh, fine, I don't need you anyway. Any obstacle you create in them loving you seamlessly will mean that you're replaceable. Number five, not knowing what your gut feeling is. I did not know what a gut feeling is when people are like, follow your gut. I'm like, follow my what? That sounded like a mystical astrological map that people are asking you to follow. Because when you were young, your mother did not mirror you and she did not tell you, by the way, I want to say that this, when I say this, that I had anxious attachment, I am not saying I had anxious attachment because of my mother. My mother was busy and she was a single parent and it's not that she wasn't attuned to me. She just wasn't there a lot because she was working a lot and she couldn't do a lot for me. So in this video, I am not saying

that I have a mother wound. Mine is more at the father's side. but I am just relating to the fact that I too had anxious attachment and mother wound. I had it, not my mom's fault, but slightly, right? So we move. I do not know what a gut feeling was. I don't know what that means. You know why? Because if you did not have an attuned parent to make you feel safe in order for you to feel your feelings,

then you never got to feel your feelings. Why? Because you're always feeling out that that person who is caring for you is happy. Because if they're not happy, they're not going to care for you. It's not like you can walk away as a child and start your whole new life somewhere else in Ecuador without them and move. You know what I mean? You are reliant on them. So the only thing you can do is placate them and make them happy. So you never felt your feelings. You had to feel other people's feelings making you anxiously attached. It's it's the one of the biggest signs of anxious attachment and a mother wound or a father wound. That is, you're always feeling other people's feelings. You're an extreme empath, but you don't feel your own feelings or your gut feeling. Number six, you want other people to prove why they love you. Well, once you do get in a relationship with someone and once you do have that connection, with someone and that feeling with someone, you constantly want them to prove why they like you, but why did you like me? Oh, but why did we meet? You know that question that goes around on social

media when the girls is like, would you love me if I was a worm? That's one of those things. I'm not saying all those girls have mother wounds, but it's a feeling that you don't know how to place your worth in other people's lives. It is so transient. It could just disappear at any moment and it's really, really difficult to manage. So that is another one. Number seven is you are sensitive. You are so sensitive. You cannot self-regulate. You know it yourself. It's not just people bullying you and telling you're so sensitive. Your feelings don't matter. You know you're sensitive. You know that if your friend doesn't reply on time, you're going to be upset with her. This is not just in relationships. It's mainly in female-to-female relationships if you have a mother wound and you're a woman yourself. You constantly feel like you are going to fly off the handle at the fact that somebody isn't happy with you in one way or another. Those are the signs that you have a mother wound. The way to heal you. The way to heal you. a mother wound is number one, accepting that you have one. Understand that mothers are human and that they're not perfect. And this is a big journey. And I'm just going to tell you a few points of how to heal it, but this is a big, big, fat journey. Understand that moms are human. The biggest and most

pivotal thing I've ever learned is becoming a mother myself. I learned how fragile it is. I learned that you don't know, even though you do know. I have somebody who helps me once or twice a week to look after my daughter with me. I'm always around, but she helps me. And she goes, she said something like, oh, you know what you're doing, you're a mum, and I said, actually, I don't, I've got no idea. I am a mom, but it doesn't make you knowing of all. It is not this religious icon of the Holy Mary or the mother who knows everything. You just try your best. It is your first experience on this earth also. Your mom is just a girl. She just grew up and she probably had difficult circumstances in that growing up and she's just doing her best. Understanding the humanity of your mother and understanding that how she treated you is a

reflection of how you treat yourself in the world really helps you shift that. But understanding her humanness is understanding that she did not know the value that she gave you. She does not know what she is, that how she saw you was going to be so pivotal. And even if she did, she was too human to change that or to action in any way. So number one is accepting it. Number two is mourning it. Truly mourning it. Mourning the mother that you wanted to have. Morning the mother that we see on TV shows, mourning the fact that you cannot cuddle her and do all these amazing things with her that you want to do, mourning that whole experience because she does not exist. Write down the mother that you thought that would exist and understand that she is not real. In a lot of these TV shows,

she is not real. Nobody has the perfect mother, but no, that you are the way you are because you had the mother that you had and there must be some amazing, lovable thing about you. And sadly, your childhood is now gone. You cannot re-have a childhood. You are now an adult. And it is not great to go into existence as an adult, still wanting to be a child that is parented. And sadly, that time for you is gone. And it's a part of growing and it's a part of life. And it's scary, much like life and death and the whole experience. But your time to be nurtured by a mother is gone and you have to mourn that experience. You don't have the power to change someone. You know that she has not changed since your childhood. You do not have that power. And if you want to have this

adult relationship with her and she's still not changing, you need to mourn that too. And number three, you need to give up on the fact that she's going to change. She is who she is. It's not your life mission to change her. It's your life mission to be yourself. It's your life mission. If you do want to have this reparenting journey is to either a reparent yourself. And I tell you how to do that in my book, the new rules. Or number two, it is to have your own children and parent them. It is not your job to teach her how to parent. That's done. She's done that. And that is how she's done it. And sadly, if it wasn't beautiful, it wasn't good. All you can do is give up and let go and let God. Number four, stop seeking experiences in which you can heal your mother wound.

Stop being with men, women and people around you who are dismissive of you and in order to try and heal that. If your mother was dismissive or worked a lot, you'll probably find yourself with a partner who's dismissive and worked a lot or with a friend who's dismissive. And you will be trying to, in your current state, heal the wound that you have. Stop trying to do that. You're never going to change it. You're never going to coerce someone to be with you in a wonderful way now in order to change what happened in the past. It won't happen. Number five is mother yourself. Like I said, it is in my book about how to do that. It's a whole process. But the point of it being, look into yourself as that child who needed something. And now as an adult, so it's dualities of two, there's a child and there's the adult. And understand that this adult can now give it to the child. You don't look for your mother to do it for you. Look for yourself to do it for you. If it's nutritious food, if it's looking after yourself, if it's never skimming on yourself, like I said with the sponsor of this podcast, you need to do that for you now because you probably have the neglectful habits towards yourself that your mother had for you. It's time to reparent yourself and stand up for

yourself and come into this life as your own protector and as your own guide. You owe that to yourself. And number last is failing that. You need to find good, incredible female mentors to look up to. If your mother wasn't that, I understand. I will be here for you. You can watch my videos. I obviously cannot look after you because that is not my role. I have my own things to do, but you can find female mentors whose mindsets you like and who you can emulate. It is not always about your mother. And there's other ways you can progress through life. On that note, I need to pick up my son from school. I love you lots of jelly tots. And I'll see you on the next one. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and

services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.