BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 62: Make Him Chase You Again In Marriage & Long Term Relationships

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

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The following podcast is a dear media production. I was running this series on my TikTok channel, which was called How to Still Be chased by your partner. There was this viral content going around about, you know, the black cat and the golden retriever. Not sure where it started, but it was going viral. However, a lot of people came to me and asked me, how do you sustain that in a marriage, in a long-term relationship? If you are watching this, you will see my aquamarine book with gold leaf on the inside. This is where all my secrets are kept, all my knowledge is kept. I have one every year, and this year's one is this color.

It's got some fluff on it now, and it's not looking its best, but it's got all the knowledge in there. I'm going to tell you my ideas and my thoughts about sustaining attraction and the chase from your male partner in a long-term relationship. you are not going to hear things like wear lingerie. That is not even one iota or part of it. So therefore, it's going to be interesting in other news. If you are watching this as opposed to listening, I am holding in my little hands,

my little cloister, oyster hands. The New Rules by Marguerite and Azarenko, host of the hit podcast being her, which you are now listening to. That is not a self-proclamation. this is a hit podcast because of you, and I appreciate that. This is the book. The color is juicy pink with gorgeous red, delicious creme bruley candy colors, and I really want this to look beautiful on your shelf, on your table, and everywhere that you read it. The New Rules is a nondescript

title. I didn't want to title anything like being her or be that girl or how to, you know, because you want to read it in public. You don't want to know. You don't want them to know what you're thinking about. You don't want them to know. You don't want them to know. How dare they know? They have no right to that knowledge of our secret society that we've got going on here. Takes a sip of coffee and begins the lesson.

Opens Blue Book. I have about 10 points here about the long-term polarity and attraction in a long-term relationship and marriage. people often say to me, when I do the advice about chasing and men and women and their dynamics, it can even be in a same-sex relationship. The dynamics is between the feminine and the masculine. However, that falls in your relationship. That's entirely up to you. The point being is it's very little to do with how you look and very much to do with how you energetically present.

And energetically, us as the feminine in the relationship, often gets it extremely wrong. We, point number one is control. Let's discuss control. Control is a factor in relationships that breaks down the attraction from the masculine to the feminine. The masculine loses a lot of control in relationships and the feminine starts to manage. I know, you know, that dynamic of a relationship of a couple, the classic Homer Simpson

couple, that relationship where she knows a lot and he knows. knows nothing. Have you ever seen that dynamic whereby, I saw this as a comment on a meme once where the woman knows everything and the guy seemingly knows nothing. And somebody commented, yeah, my dad who built houses his whole life was asked a question about how to do something in house building by somebody. And my mom from the back room goes, that's not how you do it, Jerry, that is literally the feminine toxic control that women seem to deploy as soon as they become a unit with a male partner. Suddenly and seemingly, he does not know how to do anything and she knows how to do everything.

There is no respect in their dynamic in terms of his autonomy and his knowledge on how to do things. that will kill the chase and the attraction real quick. If you have a male partner in your life and you need to know where he's going, what he's doing, how he's acting, what he's advising and who he's with 24-7, then you are killing his attraction to you. How can you chase someone that is so dominant in your life? And I know it's really hard, but because we have a lot of maternal instincts in us,

we sometimes either by virtue of already being a mom, we deploy that maternal instinct onto them and we start to control them or by virtue of not yet having kids, we take that maternal energy that we have and we try and mother our partner. But that's point number two. Mothering is point number two. Point number one is control. If you have an anxious attachment style and if you don't know about my topics on anxious attachment and how that manifests in women and relationships, then search my podcast and YouTube

channel. But if you have anxious attachment whereby you're not sure if that person's going to be with you, they might run away from you, you need to always control them, that is how it manifests. And as much as we like to believe anxious attachment is about feeling anxious and just wanting their love, it often manifests as a strong performance of control towards your partner. If you find yourself constantly over texting them, over controlling them, trying to micromanage them, then you, you, you You are pushing that masculine energy person away, and you need to really step back with that because it will not do well for you. Point number two goes well with point number one, and that is mothering, and I will,

aka smothering, I will explain it to you very simply and very poignantly, but nobody wants to have sex with their mother. No, they don't. They don't want to sleep with their mother. I know that's really interesting to hear, but they don't, and we get really confused about that as the feminine energy part of the relationship. We think if we nurture, nurture, and do everything for them, they will lean into us and chase us. No, nobody chases their mother. They run away from their mother. That is natural dynamic. I know my son one day is going to turn

around and be like, it'll get off me. Do not try and feed me. Do not try and dress me. And that will be celebrated because that's a natural part of being a teenager. If you step into the role of mother in your relationship, you are going to do two things. You're going to leave the part of female partner, girlfriend, you know, sexual attraction, open? And that's a problem, because now that spot is open, who's going to fill that spot? Maybe nobody, maybe his imagination, maybe an actual woman. And you've taken over the part of his mother. And usually there is a person there already, aka his mother. And if you're going to try and reparent him, that is a really bad idea. Do not try and reparent a grown man who's probably older than you, in most cases, or the same age as you.

It's a really bad disaster recipe, and you're wondering why he doesn't find you attractive, aka why he doesn't chase you. Maybe he does find you attractive, but he's not chasing you. He's just a slob on the sofa. He's just sitting there reclining, living his best slob life, and you're wondering what gives. Well, you are his mum and no one chases their mom. People run away from their mom. The natural thing to do with a mum when you're a grown man is to rebuke, revoke and provoke and become a teenager and say, no, mom, I'm not doing that. Get off me. So if that is how he's acting towards you, understand you are mothering him.

But how is he going to survive without me? How is he going to survive without me telling him what to do and without me always, you know, being there for him. Well, how he survived before you. That's how he's going to survive. He's going to survive exactly how he did before you came along, fine, happily. and successfully. Stop mothering the guy.

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coach him through life and not believe in his masculine prowess and ability to do things. Yet when we meet a guy or we don't know a guy, we have all this belief in him and all this understanding of him being number one, number the best. I'll say it simply, even if you don't believe in him, even if you think he is going to eff everything up, deploy belief and at least a feigning of belief. Tell him that he can, tell him that he'll solve it. And if he's coming to you for issues like he needs to loan money from you or he needs you to solve an issue, answer it one way and it is this way. I believe you're going to solve it. You've got this. You can handle it. And I know that sounds like you're opting out of being his partner, but what we believe is partnership is not partnership. You need to believe in him.

You need to stop questioning him. And there is this energetic mystery that happens when you believe in somebody's best qualities and somebody's potential to do the best in life is when they actually come forward with that bestness in their behavior and that amazingness in what they do. Number four, selfishness. You need to be selfish again. You need to be who you were when you met. You need to be about you. You need to be about your process. You need to be somebody who is lovable. And by lovable, I don't mean cute and adorable like a hamster, but somebody who he aspires to be around. You need to stand for something. You need to be about something. You need to be in your power as a woman. And if you're all about your family and him and everything that he needs and everything he does,

that is not going to manifest in him finding you attractive because he needs to be pulled towards something. And if you're only about him, he is only going to see a mirror of himself in you. And that is not sexy and that is not attractive. If you want that level of attraction to maintain, you need to be the person you were when you guys met. Men are very good at maintaining their autonomy and who they were before meeting the person that they're with. But women kind of lose it. We really launch ourselves into being with a person that we're with in a really attached way, and that cannot foster any kind of long-term attraction. And if you're asking me how to maintain that, it is very similar to how to maintain attraction in dating. And we are very much prone to forgetting

what we want and putting ourselves on the back burner, even small tiny details. Like if you booked yourself a nail appointment and then suddenly he wants you to do something or go for a coffee, do the thing that you were going to do because that makes you the woman that you used to be when you met him. Number five is no people pleasing and the ability to say no, which is so difficult if you've got anxious attachment style. If you have anxious attachment style, it's really hard for you to say no. You are prone to wanting to say yes. And the best way I've seen it described is you want to say yes by proxy of ever saying no feeling like you are going to create a chasm in your relationship with the person you're with in terms of them feeling like you've upset them.

And now because you've upset them, they don't want to be with you. And you're really scared to do that. But attraction likes mystery and attraction likes difference and attraction likes wanting to feel like somebody isn't exactly who you need them to be and wanting to cross that gap. Familiarity is love and otherness is attraction. So what we're talking about here is maintaining that chase. So if you want him to chase you, you need to learn to say no.

He wants to go here? No. He wants to do that? No. He wants you to be easy and good constantly. No. That is where attraction comes from. And as hard as that might be to maintain, the more knows you do, when it's authentic

to yourself, you don't just make up saying no to somebody. It has to be authentic to who you are. And the less you people please, the more attraction maintains in a long-term relationship. Leading us in number six, mystery. Listen, lean in. If you are using the toilet in front of him and you think that makes you guys close, if you are burping in front of him, if you're doing all those kinds of things in front of him, and I don't want to debate, I don't want to have a mass debate about this.

I'm telling you about mystery. I'm telling you about otherness. The whole art of feminine charm and all of this is based on making them believe that we're different to them, making them want to do things for us because we're different to them. Let's keep it going, ladies. Let's not just throw it. in the metaphoric bin, okay? The more you can make him believe that you're ethereal or otherwise or mysterious or feminine,

or you've got these charms, which you do have, by the way, you can make life. Literally, you can make life and he can't. The more you can deploy goddess energy, the more you can make him feel like there's something charmingly elusive about you, the more he's going to be attracted to you. Humanness is great, and that's where friendship comes from, and that's where connection comes from, but you asked me the question about otherness and closing that gap in terms of wanting him to chase you. We chase things that are elusive, mystery. Close the door to the bathroom.

Make yourself look feminine, which is actually point number 10. I'll reach it when we get there, but let's wait for point number 10. Number seven, no waiting, live your own life. If you want to be that woman who he's chasing, the very simple basic principle is don't wait around for him to organize things. I hear it time and time again. He's not organizing anything. He's just doing what he wants to do. He is on the sofa. He organizes his golf game, but he can't organize a date for us. Okay, well, that's because you're always closing the gap. Don't organize anything. And don't be available on the phone all the time to chit-chat your ear off. I'm actually

guilty of this because I love to have a chat. I love to have a chin-wag. But then don't be surprised he's not organizing dates because he's already had his fill of you on the phone, talking on the phone. close that gap by saying, I can't wait to talk about this when I see you. If he's not organizing anything, if he is not planning dates, then he is missing out on time with you. And you are so fun to be with, which is point number nine. We'll get to that. And it's my favorite point by far. But no waiting means don't wait around for him to organize stuff. Live your own life. Do your own thing. Meet up with your own friends. And I advise this for people in dating. And for some reason, and they don't translate this into relationships, but it applies exactly the same.

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That's O'S-E-A-Malibu.com and use code being her for 10% off. Enjoy guys. Have your little skincare moment. Have your little wellness, being her, bougie woman moment. Get in it. Head to Osea, the Malibu.com and use code being her for 10% off. Thanks guys. And let's get back to the episode. Number eight, no blaming but strong boundaries. I feel like in relationships, what kills attraction and what kills him chasing you a lot is women start to be. blame guys for everything that happens. You didn't do this right. You didn't do that right. You didn't take the trash out right. You didn't look at me right. You don't compliment me right. If you want to reignite that attraction in your relationship, you have to drop a lot of that and you have to begin deploying a lot of, I guess, how you'd treat your friend. You wouldn't always be blaming your friend. You wouldn't always be nagging your friend. You wouldn't always be going on at your friend about

what they did wrong. So you need to deploy that. I know it might be annoying. But, but, But I go on TikTok and I see how many women go on about how he doesn't put the Tupperware away correctly. Like, stop. Nobody finds attractive the person who goes on about the Tupperware. See yourself with some objective, like with a view of somebody else. If you were somebody else, would you find yourself attractive with your Tupperware obsession? No, you wouldn't stop it. Number nine, my favorite point.

Be easy to be with, but hard to get. Okay, it's not about playing a game. Being hard to get means you have a busy fulfilling full life without them. But easy to be with means you don't nag and blame them and go on about things and try and control them when you are with that person. That is the basic formula to always having somebody chase you. Okay. What we do is the opposite. We are easy to get. We're always nagging them about when can we spend time together? We're very, very easy to get because we're always there, always in their George Foreman, always in their grill, but we're hard to be with. Once they are with us, We're going on about why didn't you this? Why didn't you fold the laundry, right? Why didn't you that? Why didn't you text me when I asked you to text me? So we need to flip that formula. We need to be hard to get because we're so busy living our life, but we need to be easy to be with. Everybody loves a person that's easy to be with and fun. And you're going to say to me now, but how can I be easy to be with when he's let me down so many times and he's so annoying and he's so horrible. Well, if you feel like you can't be easy to be around in that time because he's really upset you,

then it's time to have a serious conversation about why he's upset you or not be around him in that moment and just say, listen, I'm going through some stuff. You've really upset me because ABCD, EFG, and I don't want to be around you right now. Okay. Number last, you need to look feminine. If you want somebody to chase you and if you want him to chase you, which is what this content is about, you need to look other than him. So if he is a typical guy, you need to, elevate yourself with whatever that might make you feel like long hair, heels, skirt, whatever it is. It might be hot pants. I don't care what it is for you, but you need to wear things that he doesn't wear. I know that sounds odd, but that is the basic formula of making him see you

as other and chaseable because essentially that is how we get them in the first place. You know what I mean? So you need to maintain that, maintain that otherness and attractiveness. So those are the 10 points in a long-term relationship about how to get them to chase you. And it is not about telling them that that's what you're doing. Do not tell them this is what you're doing? Otherwise, you're going to ruin it. Don't ruin it. I'll see you on the next one.

Bye. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.