BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 63: 7 Signs That You Have Childhood Trauma & Didn't Know it.

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

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The following podcast is a dear media production. Hello, my gorgeous honey kitten. Today we're going to talk about childhood trauma and the unusual ways that it might manifest in your life. The reason I find this subject quite interesting is because we talk a lot about feminine energy, the choices you make in the men that you are with and all these things in between. I put out some content about the mother wound.

and I will be putting out some content about daddy issues. That's right, daddy issues. That is a big one and one that I definitely want to put some time and energy into really talking about. But I noticed that there is a lot of confusion about how childhood trauma might manifest. In fact, there is a lot of conversation in terms of anxious attachment and avoidant attachment, especially there's a big misunderstanding around avoidance. attachment people often like to label people who have avoid an attachment as those who are trying to avoid connection with others as those who are trying to run away from communication and

connection but often it comes up as a side effect of how you've been raised and engulfment control and all these things that could have happened to that person as a child and therefore their coping mechanism has been to become avoidant. So, us labeling them as bad is not going to favor us and is not going to favor them. In fact, if you want to see how to make an avoidant partner feel comfortable in a relationship, and I know all of you in the comments are going to go, who would want to be with an avoidant? They should get their act together. Cool. But some of us are in love with an avoidant person. I'm not saying me personally, but some of us are. And if you are and you want some key pointers and techniques about how to deal with it, then that video is for you. you. Also, if you're anxiously attached, there is videos on anxious attachment on my channel too. If you are listening to this on a podcast platform, you can listen to it also. So without further ado, let's just have a little conversation about things that might spark in you that actually denote that you've got childhood trauma and ways to deal with it. Shall we? Let's go. The first thing that I

noticed in myself and a lot of it is going to be self-based and others-based that I've learned from mothers or myself. And that is, number one is anxiety when you have to wait. If you have anxiety when you're waiting or you have to wait for someone or you have to wait for a reply, it could be a sign of previous childhood trauma. I don't mean trauma with a big tea trauma. It could be a big tea trauma as in big tea trauma means something that is non-negotiably traumatic. Like if anyone saw that incident, they would agree it's traumatic. And then there is small tea trauma. whereby something happens and it really affected you as a child, for example, being dropped off at daycare when you weren't ready for it or you were afraid or you didn't have an attachment

figure at said daycare, okay? So having to wait for something or a reply or an email back from somebody gives you more anxiety than it would a usual person could be a sign of trauma because when you were a child you might have had to wait for a carer to give you care when they were neglectful, or you were waiting for an adult in your life to have a reaction, which was negative, and you were afraid of that reaction. It's something that came up in my life a lot. I still struggle with having to wait for a reply, having to wait for a decision. I jump to conclusions. Jump to conclusions. That one I've kind of dealt with, but I jump to decision making really quickly because I find it

physically uncomfortable to be in the space where I have to wait for somebody to react. I would rather react before they do. And I think this is where in this piece of content I'm going to talk about dealing with all these issues. And for me, the work around feminine energy has been a really big pivotal point because a lot of it being the kind of slow flowing feminine energy is the antithesis of a lot of these things In order to wait, you have to deploy your feminine energy and know that good things will come to you and know that things will be okay in the end. And if they're not, then you can deal with it.

A sentence that resonates to a lot of people from my book that just got published the new rules around how to be in life and be in your feminine energy was being in your feminine is not knowing that this person, whoever it is in your life, is going to be good for you. but it's knowing that even if they aren't, you will be okay dealing with the consequences that you have yourself. A lot of these childhood traumas make you feel really unstable in the world and they can even manifest in the body. And if you want a video around that, let me know in the comments or a podcast around that. Let me know and I will talk about it, how it manifests in the body. But this lack of stability and wanting to jump to conclusions, being in your feminine and waiting on things is a key pivotal thing.

For example, if you get an email, don't respond straight away. If you get a text message, you don't respond straight away. You will teach your nervous system that you don't always have to jump to react to things. Next is FOMO. A lot of us get FOMO, but when you've had childhood trauma, the feeling of FOMO is very different. It's not fear of missing out in terms of a party, but it's fear of missing out in terms of connections and relationships. I've had this come up whereby if people in my family are doing something, I've struggled to

not be a part of it. For example, when I had kids, I have kids in the past, I struggle to let others look after them and me not be there, not because I am fearful of how they'll be looked after. I completely trust my husband or family to look after my children. It's more so I am afraid of missing out. And I've had to really sit with myself and be like, what am I afraid of missing out? And there is a light side to it in the fact that it's fantastic to spend time with your children and your family. But there is also a side of anxiety to it, which links back to childhood, where I'm feeling like if I am not part of the connected circle, I will somehow be forgotten and neglected. And that feeling really sits ill with me. So I'm always there, always participating.

I do it with friends too. And friends is the place where I've had to kind of let go of it. And I've fallen in a really comfortable place. If my friends meet up now, without me, I don't care. I really couldn't care less. But I need to deploy that. more and more and more in my life. And I suggest you do to sitting with yourself and not feeling like you're going to miss out. You're not going to miss out for me. It's work opportunities and family more so and not from like, oh yes, I really want to enjoy this enjoyable time, but from the place of like, I've got to be across everything because if I'm not in on the end joke, if I miss out on this special time, life is so finite and small and I just want to be a part of it. And if I miss out,

then I might become replaceable because I might not be a part of it. And that's just not the way life works. I think the next thing that really goes hand in hand with that is rushing and being fast-paced. I have found myself, and I'm sure you do too, if you identify with these things. And let me know in the comments if you identify with all of these or DM me later. But it's rushing through life and always having to be there on time, do everything on time, because God forbid, you let the ball drop. If you let the ball drop, bad things will happen. You will lose control. There is a huge control element to past childhood trauma and instability. By the way, if you don't know what mine was, there isn't like a what mine was, but it's basically, you know, not knowing my father as a child. I knew him, but my parents got divorced

and then he didn't want to know me and then moving to another country when I was about eight years old and being an immigrant and not speaking the language. So it's not a big tea trauma in my life. Well, some things, actually, I'm going to say another one that I want to go on and then I'll come back to the Russian one. I was about to make jokes about my childhood about how I had to parent my parents. But laughing at our pain or laughing at our discomfort or not necessarily pain, but laughing and cracking jokes about childhood is something that people with trauma, do very often. I'm sure you've seen the memes. In fact, me and my closest friend growing up, she'll know who she is if she watches this. All we did is tell people about some things that happened to us in our childhood and make jokes about it and watch people's faces look shocked and

uncomfortable and us make jokes. If you do this, you need to try and find a person or people in your life with whom you can communicate, something that happened. Let's say you were neglected and nobody was around when you were a kid and you were just left at your grandma's house who worked all the time. For example, being able to just talk about it as opposed to be like, and then I was at my grandma's house with nothing to eat but rice for days and days while she was at work. Ha ha, lucky I survived. You know what I mean? If you are cracking jokes about that, that trauma is still in your body, you need to have a kindness to yourself and a method to be able to say it not necessarily in a crying way or in a needing sympathy type of way, but you need to be

able to communicate things that happen to you as a child without the cover of humor in order to really process it through your body. But coming back to rushing, I have often had a feeling that I need to be on top of things, that I need to be everywhere on time. I am never late. I am always there. It's part of being the golden child that if you've had childhood trauma, or if you've had discomfort as a child. You know what? My phone just beeped because my whoop, which is a watch that I wear to track my stats and sleep is off my body, these things really put me off wearing things like whoops or

or a ring or things. Like they constantly send you reminders about them not being on your body. Like leave me alone. We're talking about childhood trauma and things that already make us feel rushed. And you're here telling me that you're not on my body. Go away. Listen, okay. If anyone works at whoop, remove that feature.

It's not on your body. Okay, relax, Max. I always feel I've got to or have felt a lot of these childhood trauma symptoms I have dealt with. Some of them I still have. Rushing is one I still have. I feel like I need to be on top of everything. I need to be there in the moment. I need to address everything imminently because if things don't get addressed, they will hit the fan and it will be terrible.

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I'm in my kitchen recording this. And I'm going to go in action my day with my kids. It's my son's birthday. That's fatty 15 is on a mission to replenish your C-15 levels and restore your long-term health. You can get an additional 15% off than 90-day subscription stars that get by going to fatty15.com slash being her and using code being her and check out. Enjoy. The next one I don't necessarily deal with, but I know a lot of people do, is delayed emotions, which I suggest, I'll tell you what I suggest after explaining what it is. Delayed emotions is something happens.

and I've seen this a lot with people who have kind of detachment issues, not detachment in a good way, but lack of attachment. They will not react to things that happen in the moment. I have people in my life who, you know, if something's going wrong and I'm like, what are we going to do? How do we deal with this? They're like, it'll be fine. And by the time, I've already reacted emotionally to the situation and the situation passes, they then react a few days or weeks later. This delayed emotion is a sign of the child in you, still not being able to process things emotionally. So something will happen and you will deal with it cerebrally. Like in your mind, you will just see, oh, this thing happened, but you won't connect any emotion to it. And then

when you feel you are safe, when that situation is over, you will crumble emotionally. And that is a big one through a lot of these things, and I'll mention it now, you need to create a relationship with your inner child because essentially that child does not exist anymore. You have grown up, but that child is still ruling who you are because they have learned some mechanisms to deal with life. All of these things are mechanisms to deal with life. Like rushing is mine, ignoring emotion and then feeling it later is another person's. You need to create a relationship with your inner child, almost like there's an inner adult and there's an inner child. I write about this in my book, the new rules as well. By the way, when I mention my book,

it's not because I'm trying to make you buy it, don't buy it, it really doesn't matter. It's more so because I took a year to write it. So a lot of these techniques and a lot of these pieces of content, podcast, everything comes from when I was thinking of the book and mentioning it. So this is not for you to buy it. If you want to buy it, please do. I would very much like you to. But if not, absolutely no problem. But when I refer to it, it is for that reason, It's at the forefront of my mind. It's a big project that I just worked on. So you need to create a relationship with that in a child. You need to go back as the adult that is now you and you need to detach the two personas. You are no longer the child who can be abandoned. You cannot be abandoned.

You are not a child. You do not rely on anyone, okay? To feed you, clothe you, and keep you safe. I've got a four-year-old, almost. He's turning four tomorrow. And I've got a little baby and they fully rely on me. This is why these childhood traumas are so prolifer. because their livelihood depends on me liking them. Their livelihood depends on me liking them. So the FOMO issue I referred to is so important to a child because if they miss out and they don't know the injokes and their parents aren't stable,

they could become unlikable and therefore their parents won't look after them. And we see what people can do to children in the world. So it is an actual danger, but it's not a danger for you as an adult. Who cares if people don't like you? You can look after yourself. You need to detach the two personas and learn that you adult you, adult Rachel, can look after child Rachel. You can now look after you. You can now go back and ask little Rachel, what is it you wanted? Little Jonathan, what is it you wanted? What did you want,

Raoul? And give that to yourself. It's a part of the soft life that I talk about too in the book. The next thing is a constant feeling of needing to be productive and if you're not, you feel sad. this is a big one for me and it started later in life. It falls into one of two categories. I'm not going to do anything until I feel right. The moment's right. A close friend of mine, the one I referred to who shared some of my childhood with me, she fell into the spectrum of until everything is right,

I'm not going to action something. And I fell into the spectrum of until I have actioned everything and I've improductive, I cannot be happy with myself. And those are the two spectrums that you can fall into. the constant productivity. What are you being productive for? If you really look at the human experience, life is meant to be lived just to experience it and see and enjoy and smell the fresh air and look at the trees and see the birds. There is no amount of productivity that is going to make your life and you worthy of living. Do you understand what I'm saying? There's nothing prolific

enough that you're going to do that's not going to make you one day be forgotten. That makes me feel weird to say, but it's true. And just the experience of, again, feminine energy, giving to your family, having children or pets or things that you can make happy in the moment is the prolific thing that you can do as opposed to being hugely productive because there's no amount of production. That's a lie that is going to make you good enough, my friend. And what I would say to my friend now in the past as children who we shared childhood with, there is no right time to start. launch fast and adjust. Just adjust. Just do the thing. Just try. It doesn't have to you right. It doesn't have to be perfect. And the other thing that my friend struggled with is feeling, this is the next one, like you will get in trouble. I don't struggle with this one, but she did. Anytime you would say to her abruptly, do you like color red or yellow? Not that you would ask that question, but I'm using it as an example. You would see the panic in her eyes of wanting to get the right answer as opposed to asking herself what she feels. Therein you need to need to. You need to. You need to. You need to. You need to. You need to be a question. You know, to go back in journal with that inner child and be like, what color do you like, what food do you

like, what flavors do you like, learn to voice it and get in trouble. I'm doing quotation marks if you're not seeing this and you're listening to this. Learn to get in trouble because now you have the adult side of you that's going to protect you. There is no trouble that you can get into that's going to make you replaceable or no one's going to throw you in the bin. You are going to be okay, essentially. Next is saying no makes you feel abandoned and replaceable. This one I struggle with a lot and I still do. The setting of boundaries and saying no to little things like say somebody says to you, would you want to come here with me or can you just pick up my laundry or can you just

do this and you feel run off your feet? Like an example that happened to me today, my husband said, oh, are you still at the center? Can you just pick up this food for me for tonight? And I'd already left with my baby. and it takes me visceral strength and visceral kind of power to say, you know, no, I can't do that. Even though it's not for me, I'm not being selfish, look at me justifying it to you now, I am just afraid, and it's not from my husband, and it's not from my reality, it's from my childhood,

that if I say no, I will become annoying or unlovable, that if I am not perfect, that if I don't, if I'm not there and always on it in every single way in my life, that I will become like, we might as well get rid of her because she's not useful. The next one is fitting into people's, like if you've always fit into groups, like at school, there's like, you know, the emo group, then there's the hippie group, then there's the jocks. If you fit into all of those categories because you can mold your personality very effectively and you never mix the groups, that is another sign of childhood trauma because you know how to be the golden child.

You know how to do the right thing. Yes, sir, I'm correct. I'm always the best to not get in trouble. And you keep those groups. separate because you don't want them to see your many different personalities. I think the key is journaling, getting to know that in a child. And you know the biggest takeaway I can give you, if you suffer with these things or struggle with these things, suffer as a big word, is to really sit down with yourself and do these things. Like, stop rushing. Don't go to the party

so you experience phoma. Say the thing that you want to say and get in trouble. Don't laugh at your pain and say your story naturally. When you're waiting, make people wait for you a little bit and wait to reply. Sit in that feeling. Sit in that experience. Do these things and allow your adult self to do the things that are scary so your inner child feel safe in the experience of being with you. Love you lots like jelly tots and I'll see you on the next one. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.