BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 68: 8 Mistakes Women Make That Ruin Their Relationships.

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

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The following podcast is a dear media production. Yes, we are back again with a conversation about female mistakes in relationships. And you guys love this modality of conversation. So let's do it. And these ones are spicy. These ones are very good. These ones are ones that are hard to learn, difficult to understand. But once you get them, once they log into your mind, you understand that you cannot do these things in a relationship with.

the man and long-term relationships. It's really detrimental. Number one being your constant and unwavering desire to change him. Have you ever, girl, have you ever tried to change yourself? Have you ever tried to change yourself? Have you ever tried to do a new diet, new routine, a new job, new anything, how hard it is, how hard it is to change yourself? Now imagine trying to change somebody else. It's not even their vocation. It's not even in their volition. It's not even in their stratosphere. It's not even in their understanding to want to change, but yet you are there on your Todd trying to change him, trying to change someone's whole life. Why are you doing that? Why are you doing that? He doesn't want to change. The problem with trying to change someone and

unwaveringly constantly pressuring someone to change is that you have already chosen him, baby. This is why the dating stage is so crucially important when you're trying to find yourself a partner. Before you slept with him, not before you married him, before you slept with him, is the time when you can see if he is someone who is adaptable and willing to compromise and change for you. If you have married him and you're already in a partnership with him, trying to change him is almost futile. The only way to change a man is to inspire him to do so. How you inspire him to do so is up to you. You have to know what motivates him.

And the last thing that motivates masculine or men is you berating them to change. you're not good enough, why have you done this, you never come here do this, you're not clean enough, your socks are there, literally, I think literally the worst thing you can do is try and change someone in an obvious way. And I am not telling you to manipulate them, but actually manipulate them, because trying to change someone, especially a man, in a way that feels to them like you are removing their freedom and they have to change for you. And if they don't do this, they will lose you, and they are essentially becoming not themselves, but a shell of themselves, is enough to make him not want to be with you and in fact make him not change. You need to want to inspire him to change, i.e. make him feel happy when he does the things that you want him to do in a way that is free. And if it's something that is a deal breaker for you, you need to simply communicate that you would love him to do the opposite of what he's doing and it would make you happy. And it would ensure that the relationship is long. and thriving, but it's essentially his choice. Number two, the want to fill his entire world with

yours truly. It's a very cozy feeling having a partner and wanting to be their entire world. And we get the oxytocin as women and we are like, yes, we are bonded for life. Do you know how much it takes me not to contact my husband all the time and be like, I saw a squirrel. I saw a flower. Like, I know that sounds stupid. And I'm not trying to. to demoralize us as women, but kind of like I do want to communicate everything. I feel like the same way with my best friends, you know? And the want to fill my entire world, his entire world with me, is a real one. All women feel that way.

When they meet the guy that they want to be with, not the guy that they don't want to be with, the guy that they truly want to be with, they are like, oh my God, let us compress together and connect. Let us do everything together. And let me just be a total part of your world. you're going out with Drake and Ken, I'm going to come. Yeah, I'm part of the boys. Yeah, I love, you know, pretzels and beer or whatever is that they want to do. I love it. I love that stuff. Girls, can I tell you how much in my past life, like when I was in my 20s, I used to try and fill

my man's entire world with myself? Do you know when men love you most or when they miss you? It's so annoying and so sad, but we love them most when we are with them and we are bonding. And they bond to us more through Vesopressin. And that is when they're a little. bit stressed and they miss us. Sod's law, I hate it, but it's true. They bond to us when they miss us and when there is gaps. They want to constantly be like, who wrote to you? And not even in a jealous way, like, who wrote to you? But like, oh my God, what do they do? What are we doing together? What are we doing together? Is just a real one. And the more you do that, the more of a mistake you are making in terms of wanting to fill his entire world with you. You are not creating mystery.

you are not creating any kind of feminine mystique. You are crushing it all in the trash can. It could be magical. Your relationship could be magical, but you'll want to fill his entire world with you. You're on a screensaver. You're everywhere. You know those t-shirts that went viral on TikTok where you put your face on them? I actually did that when I was in my 20s because I thought it was a cute present. I would never, I would never do that now. Oh my God. You know when men go on about how much they love girls in their 20s and like, that's the vibe and like girls in their 20s. How could you possibly? Because that's why when women are in their 20s, they get their hearts broken because they might

be cute and young. But I would never print myself on a t-shirt and give it to a man now. Oh my God. The secondhand shame I feel for my younger self, what are you doing? No, that's a violation. Number three, constant unhappiness. You know, the constant unhappiness. happy wife, you know, the constant eye rolling, the constant, you know, like, oh, man, we never

just do what I want to do. We never have the good things in life. You never take me out. You never do this for me. You never want to do that with me. Unhappy, unhappy, unhappy. Like she cannot create her own happiness and she is not a source of her own happiness. She's just unhappy and resigned to the fact that he's got to create that happiness for

her. He has no sense of the fact that you as a woman can even say. smile. He has no sense of the fact that, and you get in a trap with that, babe, like you get in a trap with that. I see you 100% how you feel that it is. He becomes this well of like a complaint, you know, ticket box or whatever it is that you write your complaints into and you hope that the, you know, administration changes what's going on. But you forget that yes, you're cute and sexy and he wants to be with you. But if it carries on that way that you are just constantly complaining and brubbblah, blah, blah, blah, blah. it's not going to be cute and fun to be with. And life cannot be about constant complaints and unhappiness and just annoyance at him because he will lose the motivation to want to do things for you. You need to have a cleverer way of telling him what you want as opposed to constant unhappiness. How about this? Complimenting him on what he already does. That's a powerful one. We don't use that one enough. Oh, but how am I going to compliment him? He does nothing for me. Why are you with him then? Sarah,

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their relationship of like him being in the masculine, you being in the feminine, when all we do is bake pies together and go to Home Depot. Look, I'm not saying that's your hobbies. You might be like a horsey girl. You might be a home reno girl. But forcing a guy to do your hobbies and share your likes. And even I saw once, I can't remember it was on a spiritual gurus video. Someone wrote, oh, you should make a community for like-minded, spiritually aware people to get together. I think the biggest misconception is that spiritually minded people like to get together and people who are outdoorsy like to get together. That's a friendship. When I want a romantic sexual relationship, like my husband has not, he's not even watched any of my videos. And I'm not saying I have the ideal relationship

at all by any means. But what I'm saying is I really value attraction and mutual attraction. I'm a very cerebral head person. I like to talk. I like to conversate. I was talking to my mom the other day and she goes to me, oh, you know, when you were growing up, I thought you'd be with someone who's, like, very talky and very philosophically and all this stuff. Philosophory, I don't know. Basically, I feel like I'm a female version of, like, I don't know, not Tim Ferriss because he's like a guru, like, but that would be more my friend. I would absolutely find him not attractive as a person as a man.

I mean, not how he looks or anything. He's a fine gentleman, fantastic, but he probably wouldn't find me attractive either at all because we're both very thinky, very biohacky, very like, let's do this. best. Like, I can't, I cannot. I need my man to be a little bit more rugged, a little bit more masculine, have no idea what all this self-development stuff is about. And that's what I need. I'm not saying my husband's the ideal, but I find that attractive. So trying to fill your partner's life with your hobbies and your ideas of what life is creates for a bit of a boring dynamic. And if you think that you have to be two peas in a pod, you're wrong. Okay, Jessica. Number five, using your sexuality,

as manipulation, i.e. he's done something wrong. I'm not sleeping with you anymore. He's done something that you don't like. I'm not going to be intimate with you anymore. It's a recipe for disaster. Actually creates quite a distaste in your relationship, especially on the man's side for you, because you're going to create barriers which you don't really want to create in terms of the fact that, you know, okay, fine. You say that you're not going to sleep with him anymore when he does something wrong. What women get wrong is that they say, that's it. We're not sleeping together for a month because you've done something wrong. In order to kind of denote the fact that the sexuality you have between the two of you

is predicated on you doing it for him despite you enjoying it. It's just a really bad recipe for disaster. However, the opposite of this is not that you have to sleep with someone who's upset you and hurt your heart. You know, if somebody has upset you, look, listen, let's say he insulted your mother. He said she's just a hideous hyena to her face, right? to use humor just to, you know, make the situation clear. It doesn't mean that when you get home, you've got to jump in bed with him.

If you're genuinely upset, you say, I am not in the mood. I'm so sad. Like you call my mama hyena. She's not one, nor does she look like one. And it makes me sad. And he's like, oh, it's just the way she laughs. You know, don't take it so seriously. And you're like, yeah, but I'm sad now.

And I'm not in the mood and I feel sad. That is not to say that you are now like, that's it. We are not going to sleep together for three years because you said that to my mom. No, you can use your feminine energy and power to denote the fact that you are now sad. And when I say your feminine energy and power, I mean there is power in femininity when it comes to going with your emotions. You don't have to push yourself into anything you don't want to do. Next. Number seven, was it?

Six. The thing that creates a chasm in a relationship is I can do it all myself attitude. If you feel you could do it all yourself, that's fantastic. I can do it all myself too. In fact, we can all do it all ourselves. But the reality is the beauty and relationship lies in an interdependent relationships, not an independent. We're independent, not an codependent, like we can't live without each other,

but on an interdependent, like we all have things that we do for each other. In fact, there are some things I can do, but I won't do because I want my husband to do them for me, because I want him to thank him for doing them for me. That is the juice right there when you want to thank him for doing it for you. And if you are like, oh, I could do this on myself, life would be easier without you, look at you, you left your socks, you piece of scum, you are really going to make him feel. The masculine is motivated, jokes aside, by feeling useful in someone's life. The more useful you can make him feel in your life, free, but useful as in free to be who he is.

But when he is there for you, it changes your life and you really appreciate it. The more amazing your relationship can be. it's a really powerful tool to use. So this whole notion of like, you know, hey girl, you can do it all on my own. I can do it all my own. I don't need no man is hugely detrimental to relationships because it's the same. Have you seen the red pill content when they're like, I don't need a woman? I don't need a woman.

All she does is have my kids. I don't need that. I can hire someone. Is that attractive to you? As a woman, is that attractive to you when a man kind of denigates what we do to cleaning the kitchen and having children? By the way, having children is literally impossible without us, gentlemen, but okay, we move. I have never been more into my gut health than I am now. And to be honest, I have been using seed probiotic for years and years and years and years and years. I'm obsessed with that packaging, that dark green, gorgeous packaging. And they also have these travel vials that they come with. Honestly, this brand is beautiful and it works. It has amazing benefits. for the gut, for IBS, for skin conditions. It's got a full list of amazing things. It supports and

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There is a thing about feminine mystery that is very, very important. There's a spectrum, right, in everything, from light to dark in the middle of the darkness that goes lighter, light to lighter, and ultimate light, okay, there's a spectrum and everything like that. So from openness, total openness, peeing in front of him, pooing in front of him, my left labia hurts, the pads that I buy are like the ones with the two drops. I kind of fancy you today, but yesterday I didn't because you had some snort. on your nose, like that's complete and utter openness, like bodily functions, you know,

emotional, let's all sit and cry together. I do nothing on my own. Let's all share our lives, okay? And on the other side, it's complete and utter mystery and secretiveness. What do you like? It's not a business. What do you like? It's none of your business. Do you love me? Kind of, like, ultimate closeness, no openness, no vulnerability, no ability to even exemplify any vulnerability. and both ends of those spectrums are detrimental to any relationship with a man. If you are completely secretive and you don't give anything away and you don't cry and you've got no vulnerability, he's going to feel like he's got no access to you and can't do anything for you. He's going to feel that there's no entry point to a relationship with you or any kind of connection.

And I know you hate to hear this, but total and utter openness is also detrimental because what is sexy is desire and otherness. And that's annoying in a long-time relationship and love because, I mean, how can you be so other if you are in love and you live in the same house? Well, I'll tell you by not always being the same, by not always being routine, by not always sharing your bodily functions. And not sharing bodily functions is a really easy one, but people really don't like it. They really want to share their bodily functions. Like they really want him to know how many times you've pooped. Why? Why?

I don't even want to share with my friends, that kind of information. But yet in a relationship, people really, really want to share that kind of stuff. stuff. The difference between you at home and another woman out somewhere in the workplace is they have that little bit of a level of mystery. There's a book written by a divorce lawyer and he said many times people cheat with nannies. And when he was discussing in a podcast about why that is, he said, because I guess the nanny's like a different version of your wife. She is not stressed because she's not always at home, but she has an otherness and a different life and she like, you know, isn't open like that in front of you as the employer. And she's almost like a,

a different version, let it be said of your wife and you shouldn't cheat with your nanny because it's hard to find a nanny, so don't do that. But the point being is that to create a little bit of that effect of being other, you should have some barriers. Like, I really don't want to open those barriers in my relationship. Stop it and nor should you. Other things is, I'll add another one, just so we can just close it off with this one, constant nagging and berating someone and criticizing, trying to say that somebody else is better than them to motivate them, trying to say that their socks are constantly everywhere, you should either leave someone because you cannot be with them, motivate them, find a way to motivate them by changing yourself, or live with whatever it is

that deficit is because it's a nail in the coffin to constantly be going on about how wrong someone is for doing something. Okay? I love you lots like jelly tots and I'll see you on the next one. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.