BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 69: Stop Being THE GOOD GIRL & Become Inconvenient.

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

Buy MY BOOK:https://snipfeed.co/margaritanazarenko20 feminine energy principles:https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/20femininesalesPolarity MasterClass (20 secrets to long lasting attraction & love) :https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/polarity-masterclassAmazon book list:https://www.amazon.com/shop/margaritanazarenkoBecome Magnetic (Free Ebook):https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/Email me: [e-mail]:Nurx: Thanks to Nurx for sponsoring this podcast! Taking control of your mental health starts here. Go to https://www.nurx.com/beingher to get started. Results may vary. Not offered in every state. Medications prescribed only if clinically appropriate, consultation required.Third Love: Visit ThirdLove.com and get $15 off your order with code PODCAST15Fatty15: Fatty 15 is on a mission to replenish your C15 levels and restore your long-term health. You can get an additional 15% off their 90-day subscription Starter Kit by going to fatty15.com/BEINGHER and using code BEINGHER at checkoutPlease note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a dear media production. I'm not going to lie. Overwhelmed is an understatement. Undestatement of the year. It's school holidays where I am. I don't know if it is where you are. And I'm going to get into it, okay? I'm going to put a timestamp for everyone who's on YouTube.

Or maybe I'll just get my editor to edit this out because I know YouTube audiences don't have the patience, but I know my podcast audiences does. The frustration is real. So excuse the background. This is the only place Home Girl can record because I've got my kids at home. I've got somebody watching them, but they want to be upstairs. They want to watch Moana. So we're here, okay, with ugly radiator in the corner if you're watching this.

And if you're listening to this, then your eyes are not subjected to the ugliness that is this shot, okay? But if you're curious, go on YouTube and check it out. It's wild. It's been like six, seven days of not being able to get work done. and I have really had to roosah and meditate because it is important to both have yourself and both to run your home and have your children. And it is overwhelming, guys. Like, I get it.

I get everyone who messages me and goes, how do you do it? Mum life, kids, all this stuff. It is crazy. It is overwhelming. And right now, it's very to do with this video. I am really struggling with good girl versus inconvenient because my husband called me as I just put this camera up and I set this up. because he wanted to tell me how drop-off was and how he is and how his life is.

And it's 11 o'clock. I've just got my baby to give me half an hour to record this. And he's like, yeah, so this thing, this thing has happened. He's talking to me. And I'm like, oh my God, this is the only time I have. I literally, you know, you know, if you've got young children, you can't even, you don't even have time to go to the bathroom. Okay.

So I'm here. I choose you. I choose you guys, okay? And it's, it's good. It's important. And I think it's important to do with. the content of this video as well because there might be an ugly radiator in the background and the shot might not be the best but this is the era that we're living in this is the time

this is the chaos and it's not about apologising but it's just about connecting with you okay the terms of this video is more so to do with the girlies who are really struggling in relationships of being the good girl the please me girl the pick me girl I want you to know that there is a solution to these issues there is a way through feeling like you've got to people please all the time. And in fact, when you have the breakthrough, you realize that it's the inconvenient girls or the AKA bitch that always gets chosen by the guy in the end. It's a really tough turnaround, but it's one you've got to make. And this video is very helpful for those with anxious attachment styles because we, my love, we really pivot on the fact that and we really

predicate our existence and the fact that we are helpful, we are useful, we are there for people. and it's really, really exhausting. The signs that you've become too convenient, too much of a people pleaser in your life is that you feel anger, you feel frustration, you feel burnout, you feel stress, and you have a loss of identity. The anger and the frustration people, women,

let's be honest, feel when they have done too much and they've been the good girl too much and you go along with what he wants, if it's children, if it's, you know, just in the dating stages, you're always putting yourself second, you're always putting yourself on the back burner. You're always trying to people please and you're always just trying to fit yourself into the scenario of being convenient.

And you are being relegated to not as important, especially in the dating stages, people think that if I become really convenient and lovely, he will value me more. No, he won't. He won't value you at all. For some reason, the difficult girl, not for some reason. It's a very obvious reason. Men polish their Ferrari that, you know, break. breaks down every five seconds and they don't care about the things that are actually useful in their life, okay? Being inconvenient like that Ferrari is the thing that gets you valued by men. Yes,

it does. I'm sorry, it does. So if you're feeling anger, frustration, burnout and stress about trying of people please, about being the pick me girl, trying to fit into the right, you know, box girl, you need to step out of it and you need to understand. So let's go through the signs that you might be a pick-me-pleasing type of girlie. You can't say no. I struggle with this. I can't say no because I feel like after I say no, or especially in the past when I was super anxiously attached, now I'm more secure, but this I still struggle with because I was raised in a society, which let's go into it now. We're raised in a society to be convenient for our parents as girls. What's a good baby? A good baby doesn't cry. A good baby doesn't give you problems. A good

baby's always like they're cooing and being happy. So, but that's not a reality. That's not a good baby. That's just a baby who has a even temperament. A bad baby is one who cries, always complaining, never happy. That's a bad baby. How can you be a bad baby? That's ridiculous. But in our society, we have these symptoms of like what a good child is, basically a convenient child, one that doesn't interfere into the parent's life. That is a good child. Are you the golden child? Are you the one that had a difficult parent and always placated your parent. You know the right thing to say in your family dynamics, the trauma dynamics in your family. You always know the right thing to say, the right thing to do, the right person to please. Everything is always correct and right and wonderful

because you make it so. You are so emotionally clever and sensitive to everything that you know how to placate everybody around you. You know how to make everybody happy. Oh, here comes my mom. She's a bit moody. I know what to do. I'm going to, you know, sing the funny thing or do the joke or do the dance. Oh, here comes my dad. He's the one who's always drinking, for example. Not in my example. My dad doesn't drink or didn't drink apparently. I don't know him very well, but, you know, here he comes. He's drinking. I'm going to placate him and I'm going to do this. That is the golden child. That means you learned how to placate everybody around you with their difficult-ass personalities and make them feel better about being around you,

being in your company and just generally make everything smooth and lovely for everybody. You developed anxious attachment because you understood that you could be dropped at the sign of anything, like people around you are so unreliable and so shaky in their attachment that they could drop you like a lead balloon and you learned how to please people. You learned that the only reason that you're valuable is because you can please people, my love, okay? That is your childhood. And now you can't say no because you know why?

The biggest fear for a person is that they will be dropped societally because let's face it, there is no such thing as a baby. I know this is a really weird thing to say, but there's a baby on someone, there's a baby and mother, there's a baby and father, there's a baby and grandmother. Babies just don't go around existing by themselves and looking after themselves. They can't. So the biggest ingrained fear for a human being is to be abandoned because abandonment as a baby as a child means you die.

If no one's looking after you, you die. You get abandoned and that is certain death. So for people like us, when you say no for the people pleases, for the girls who just, for some reason, you just don't know why you want him to like you even though he's not all that and a bag of sauce, you can't say no because saying no means that you become unconvenient to him and therefore disposable. You think you are wrong though. The more convenient you become, the more disposable you are contrary to popular belief because then you stand for nothing. You know Fatty 15 and I are close best friends. It's a incredible supplement which is fully made up of C-15. It's the first essential fatty acid to be discovered in 90 years. I'm all about my wellness, longevity and health at the moment. I had the founder Stephanie Van Watson who discovered

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And I've been postpartum, I've been pregnant, I've been breastfeeding, I've been everything in between. And so I know what it's like. I think I went from B carp to double D, down again to C and all those things. And you need to get a bra that fits you. It makes you feel kind of comfortable. It makes you feel supported and really, really confident. So visit their virtual room and find your perfect fit. Get your problem solved. Visit thirdlove.com and get $15 off your order with code podcast 15. Enjoy ladies. Your next sign is your self-worth heavily relies on the opinions of others. So when everyone's happy with you, you feel good. When everyone's upset with you, you feel bad. The next sign,

in guilt. Oh my God, he used to drown in guilt. Like, if I'd see a sign of somebody a little bit displeased with me, I'd feel so guilty and I would feel so jealous of the people who, you know, who are like, well, they don't like me. I don't care. And that is me now. I'm like that Mike Tyson meme, you know, where somebody asks him, that tennis player, they go, what do you wish people understood about you? And he's like, nothing. Fuck them. That's literally how I feel now. But when I was younger, I used to drown in guilt. I used to think about it so much. Like, how do people think of me? What does that mean? It's so difficult. It was almost like a suffocating toad on my chest of like what is going to happen if I don't make these people happy. A next big sign is

neglect of self-care. I fall into this with motherhood often and obviously it's natural, but you neglect yourself care like in a rush to make other people happy or put their needs first. You forget your own needs and you forget to brush your damn teeth. I know that sounds really extreme and if you're just in the dating stages, it's different. It's more like, let's say he wants to get a pizza, but you've been, you know, eating healthily, you go and get it anyway, and you neglect yourself care because of something he wants to do and you're scared that if you say no, or like, let's say you're on a vegan journey or whatever, and he loves to eat meat. So you just forget yourself at the wayside because that's what he wants to do.

You're compliant. You're constantly compliant. That's another sign. Compliance to you is the number one modality as opposed to self-identity, overworking and overcommitting. Girl, overcommitting. You're going to be here. You're going to be everywhere. You're going to help everybody. You're going to be that number one go-to person. That's the difficulty, right?

But you're going to be there and everything for everybody. And the fear of abandonment is the biggest sign. You're always concentrating on somebody leaving you. You don't even care who that person is. Sometimes when I talk to women about this kind of style of attachment, this anxious attachment, they get attached to somebody and they're attached to them because. they are so worried and so afraid that they're going to get abandoned as opposed to actually valuing who that person is. Like, who is he? Who is he, Amanda? Who is he? Why are you so attached

to him? Like, what has he done for you lately? Do da da da da. Yeah. Solution. Number one is to understand this pivotal principle. The convenient girl is the one who always gets left behind. I don't know why. Look at it throughout time. Look at it through people you know. You never see a guy go, Do you know what? She was just so convenient and so good to me that I decided to just be with her. Even when they say that, you feel sorry for the girl. You're going, oh, damn, that she's with her because of that. He's with her for that reason. It's sad for us, okay? Men like difficulty and they like the vasopressin that is produced from a little bit of stress, a little bit of chase, a little bit of, mm-mm, and it's so uncomfortable for us. But that is the first thing you need to understand that.

People love people with an identity. People love people who are comfortable in their own skin. People who do things for themselves. people know who they are. We want to be around them and we want to emulate them and we want to have a bit of what they have. We want that in our lives. The first way to cultivate that is boundaries. The more uncomfortable they feel, the more you know you need them, the more important they are. Set boundaries and wrestle with the pain of having set a boundary. If you are on a journey of health, for example, in eating and everyone's going to have pizzas, just say you're not going to eat or you won't go with them. Set a boundary. That's a very benign and easy one to.

to put forth, but for you might be something else. Set a boundary and just wrestle with the pain of feeling like you're going to be abandoned and know that actually you have your own back. You cannot be abandoned. You are no longer a baby. You are no longer a baby child. You will no longer be abandoned. You have your own back. Do you know how powerful you are? Do you know how many people before you existed ancestors upon ancestors upon ancestors who were in famines and starvations and wars in order to have you be here? you're worried that Jacob is not going to like you or Derek is not going to like you. Stop it. Don't be ridiculous. Set a boundary. Restle with the pain of that boundary. Number two, ask yourself, what do I need? Anything that happens is opposed to what would Jesus do? It's what would I need? What do I

need right now? What do I need right now? If I ask myself, what do I need right now? I need to do some yoga. I need to freaking calm down. My baby's a bit unwell. My toddler's a bit annoying. as in like he's a bit unwell and he doesn't want to do anything except for annoying me and I love that. You know what I mean? Like one day I'm going to miss him annoying me. I just need to meditate and do yoga. I just need to eat some fruit, meditate and do yoga. Like I know that in my body, right?

What do you need? I have a hip pain. I'm in my 30s. Why doesn't my hip hurt? Because I'm postpartum and I'm not taking care of my body, okay? Ask yourself, what do I need every pinnacle of the moment? Because you know what you as a good girl are used to doing? asking yourself what someone else needs.

You golden goose with your golden eggs. You are such a golden child that you are used to asking, what did they need? What do they need? You're reading their micro expressions, do, do, do, do, do, do, like an AI. You're so good at reading their micro expressions, and you're so shit at reading your own expressions of what you need. Ask yourself.

You don't know? Ask yourself again. Ask yourself. Nurex is proud to sponsor this podcast, and I'm really proud to have them as a sponsor. I have not personally used them, but I think this is one of the best platforms if you are in the states that you can use. If you're looking for the next step in managing anxiety or insomnia or depression or OCD,

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medications prescribed only if clinically appropriate consultations required. Number three, say no without explaining. Isn't that difficult? Not, no, sorry, I just don't know if right now I can. No, just say, no, sorry, I just got to prioritize the work I need to do. See, even I said sorry. Yuck. No, I can't today. I just need to prioritize the work I need to do without explaining, like because I need to prioritize it, because otherwise I can't, you know, get everything done and it's

just a little bit difficult or just prioritize yourself without explaining. Put yourself first. Just it's uncomfortable. Try it. Number four, compassion for yourself. You are just a little human being. It's everyone's first experience on the planet. Try and love yourself through this difficulty of, of, of, of, you little human, like, I get it. you want to be loved and you think the way to be loved is to be useful. Nobody ever did great things or did amazing things by just being useful and putting themselves on a back burner. You know why? Because once you do that and you run yourself dry, you are not going to be this epic and prolific human that everybody wants to be around. Everybody wants to drink from the well of your goodness,

especially as a woman with feminine energy. Everybody wants to sip from the cup of your like fabulousness. when I put myself first and for example I give the baby to my husband in the morning I'm like take her I have been up all night she's on well for example in the morning I wake up beaming with just juicy goodness and he I can see he adores me in his eyes okay despite the fact that I wrestle with the fact that I'm like oh maybe I shouldn't give her to him because you know he's maybe he'll go work in the morning I don't know whatever the reason I'm giving myself it always works out better when I put myself first number five stop saying sorry and say thank you this is a really good tip okay instead of sorry I'm late, say thank you for waiting for me. That's literally it. Thank you for doing that for me. Thank you. I really appreciate that as opposed to sorry because sorry is like a detraction of your own entity and identity,

whilst thank you is an affirmation of who you are in the present moment, okay? Number six, whether the storm and the discomfort of people who might be narcissistic, who might not like, that you now put yourself first not liking it, whether the storm of them being like, oh, but why don't you want to do it? that anymore and understand, see the identity, identify that, wow, okay, okay, okay, my friend Jessica does not like it, that I now, I'm going to wash my hair as opposed to come and help her pack her house up because I want to put myself first for once, okay?

Number seven, pick someone who's energetically a good person and has their best in mind for you and let them know that you're going through this and that you're trying to set boundaries. anchor moments of difficulty with them, text them and be like, oh my God, he wants to do this, should I do it? And let them tell you that, no, it's okay for you to go and, I don't know, brush your teeth or pee or something really, really benign and not answer his text messages or calls. Boundaries I've set in the past was with one of my closest friends. I was just postpartum and she was going through something really real and really serious.

And I got myself into such a, with my first child, such a rundown state because I was staying up, messaging her all night about things that she was going through when I was postpartum myself, almost into delirium, not catching the sleep that I needed because I was trying to help her. And I realized it didn't help her. It didn't help me. It was BS because it's not what you should do. You're not useful to anyone that way. A number last is get to love and know yourself. get to have ideas of who you are and identify with them as opposed to identifying with what other people want to do in their lives. If you're a people, please, are you know a lot about what other people want and very little about what you want and what your ambitions are. Get to know your feminine energy.

If you're listening to this in July, and it is not the 17th yet, get onto my eight week course about feminine energy and becoming her. learn to understand and love the experience of becoming her. And I'll see you on the next one. Ciao. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.