BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 70: HOW I went from ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT to SECURE...and you can too.

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

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The following podcast is a dear media production. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about secure attachment, anxious attachment, attachment styles. This subject has become so popular on my TikTok that I cannot but address it. I think this video is going to be as down to earth as I can make it. And then in the comments, you guys can tell me what else you're interested in, and we'll go from there. Anxious attachment has been like the most pivotal point. in my relationship with myself. I read the book Attached, maybe five years ago, but for about

six to seven years, I've been working on my attachment style. I've realized it's the most pivotal thing for me, from relationships to feminine energy to all of it. Everything I've discovered has helped me become the person that I am right now. And I'm going to try and make this video as open plan and as much of a conversation piece as I can because this subject is just something that a lot of people are feeling at the moment. For attachment styles, they come from your childhood or something that happens to you while you are young and you take this attachment style throughout your life with you. About 50% of people, the lucky ones are secure. You want to become secure in order to cultivate your relationship and make it go further. If you have an anxious,

attachment style, which is the second piece, men will call you needy, they will call you clingy, despite you wanting to appear so, people will ghost you, and they will argue with you for reasons that you don't understand. Sadly, when you have an anxious attachment style, you're actually going to push people away as opposed to attract them. You're going to, instead of cultivating the relationships you want, you are going to create chasms in which the relationship cannot exist. The third attachment style is avoidant, which I'm not going to address in this video because a lot of avoidant people don't necessarily need a video like this. I can make another video about how to deal with avoided people, but you let me know if

you're interested in that because I know most people are going to be watching this are anxiously attached like I was. It was dire for me to the point where I think that if I had had a secure attachment style earlier in my life, my life would have been different. It just would have been different. I'm going to tell you how the anxious attachment style comes about in your life. You have a codependent style of relating to a partner. For the sake of this video, you're the woman and he's the man. If you're a man watching this, swap it around. Or if you are in a same-sex relationship, just imagine I'm talking about the sex that relates to you,

but it's not specific to sex. However, much more women are more anxiously attached than men. It's just how we're raised, it's how society is, okay? So you as a woman will appear in the situation, codependent on your partner. His moods, his life, his ideas will shift how you react and feel. You will want to control what he does in order to make yourself feel secure. If he does things that you did not anticipate or that you did not know or did not want,

it will absolutely throw you into a whirlwind of emotion. You are not comfortable being alone. If you've got anxious attachment, you're not comfortable. with being alone. You're thinking of the person that you're attached to or you're thinking about your next attachment. You also can't set boundaries. You cannot set boundaries for yourself. Not only do you want to be wanted by other people, but you cannot set boundaries for yourself because you are afraid like I was that if you say what is right for you and what is wrong for you, first of all, you probably don't even know what's right for you and what is wrong for you, but you are afraid if you say it,

people will not want to be around you. You have decided somewhere in your early life that the only reason and people wouldn't be around you is because you are comfortable to be with, because you've got attributes or assets that make you comfortable. In the paradigm of how you see the world, you see other people above you and yourself below them, even though you might think that you're all this when you conversate with people inside, your self-esteem, you feel you're not worthy of things and of love. You feel dependent on others. It might be because you orchestrate it that way and sometimes you will definitely do so,

like financially you won't step up or you will make sure that you're dependent on people just so that you can have a connection with somebody else. You will cultivate those type of relationships. This one, this next one I hate, you will need validation from people in order to have any kind of self-esteem or any idea of what you look like or if you're smart or if you're intelligent or if you're interesting, you will need someone else to validate that for you. You will have an intense desire for closeness and not a desire like a secure attached person would where they just want that to happen. It will be like an addiction, like a need for that person to validate you and be close to you. And when they are not close to you, your whole world will spiral into an oblivion again. You will feel

very jealous. You will feel jealous that your place can be taken in someone's life. You will feel jealous about people that they're around. You will also be a people pleaser. You will want to accommodate people with your comfort as opposed to your persona. You will not be interested in how you are as a person and what you can provide for other people with your value. Instead, you will try and people please. You will placate, you will try and be easy, but at the same time that will knock you in your ass because realistically, you are going to try people please so much that you will become almost repulsive. You'll have low self-esteem and you will be sensitive about how others perceive you. You will ask questions about how people see you. You will ask questions about how you look to other people,

especially that one person that you chose to be your, I was going to say a victim, but it's not like that, but your source, I would say, of energy. And sometimes I feel anxious attachment gets the right for being, like, broken and small and needing. But I think there is something to this energy that is kind of vampiric, where you need somebody to, now that I am healing and have healed, I believe I have healed it and I'm now securely attached. There is something to that energy that was almost vampire-like, where you needed somebody else's energy in order to feel better. If you have anxious attachment, you will not trust.

You will check phones. You will think people are here to hurt you. And at the same time as doing that, you will put up with unhealthy relationships. As opposed to leaving those relationships, you will put up with unhealthy relationships, giving excuses about why that person truly actually does love you and isn't at fault. Now, the reason I told you all of this is because I want you to evaluate whether this is you

and how it's impacting your life. Like I said, people will push you away or be pushed away by you. No matter how much of an amazing person you are, I feel if you have this kind of anxious attachment style almost becomes like a cloud over the person that you truly are. I'm not a medical professional, but I have gone through this and I have come out on the other side. So if this helps you, I want to help you. I'm a believer that unless you wrestle with this like the dragon that it is and eliminates it from your life through the methods that I'm going to tell you, it will jeopardize relationships and it will jeopardize you. It will jeopardize you because you are you. You are the incredible human being that was born. And because of experiences, you develop this attachment style. This does not mean it's true. you. When I advise on my TikToks that people shouldn't, you know, bombard people or text them back or ask

why they're ghosted, they say, oh, I don't want to play games. I just want to ask them why they ghosted. It's not a game. You have to have some kind of rigor and some kind of self-discipline in order to knock this out of your idea of being. And the way I healed it for myself is I learned intensely about what it means to be anxiously attached, all the reasons that I just told you. And I decided, I made the decision that that is not my personality. I then learned what it is to be securely attached, and I decided that this is now me. People are born as they are, but people make themselves into who they want to be. It's like a self-manufacturing process. I need you to manufacture a new version of yourself. You cannot be this person who pushes people away who asks for validation,

who doesn't trust, because you will not. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You think everyone's going to leave you and doesn't like you, the behaviors you do is actually going to lead to people leaving you and not liking you. You need to learn what secure attachment is and act as if you are until the neurons in your brain form a pathway to understand that when I act secure, people like me. When I act anxious, people are pushed away. Essentially, people who are anxious have had a trauma when it comes to attachment in their life. For me, it's that I don't have a dad. I had a him until the age of five and then we don't have a relationship anymore. So my whole childhood and also I'm an immigrant of, I moved to another country when I was very young and never saw my family.

So it's those two things. There's nothing I did wrong. It's nothing anyone else did wrong. My father made the choices he wanted to. It's absolutely fine. But as a child imprints on you as an anxious attachment where you feel, oh, I've got to grab onto people, I've got to grasp onto people. I've got to make sure that they don't run away from me. But actually, you running after people, makes them run. You need to stand in your power and know who you are and practice secure attachment like any other practice in the world until it becomes you. And you will see that your true personality can then shine and people can come into your life. I'm going to tell you now the behaviors that you exemplify when you're anxiously attached. You know you're anxiously attached if you're calling

and texting people nonstop when they have replied when you cannot give them that space. You always need to text and when you haven't text, you have an anxiety. You feel like something's wrong. You need that fix more than you need a good relationship. You need that fix to them replying more than you need them to respect you and see you as a wholesome person. You're constantly checking social media. Where are they? What are they doing? What did they look at? Who did they like? You're preoccupied with their existence as opposed to your reality. You are suspicious when life is good. You, when life is good and you've got a good partner, you are suspicious that something is going to slip up. You go along with what your partner wants to the detriment of the relationship.

You build resentment. You go with what they want. They want to eat pizzas tonight? Yeah, of course. They want to go here. Yeah, of course. They want you to cook, but you're tired? Yeah, of course.

Until it builds up so much that you've got resentment in you. You can't say no. Not because you're so kind and so nice, but because you're scared that you're going to get thrown in the bin that you're going to be rejected. You constantly ask your partner if they feel. find you attractive or they like you. You constantly ask what it is about you that they like. I used to do this kind of thing. Listen to me. It's the worst possible thing that you can do not only for their attraction towards you, but for your own mental health. You don't want to hear their answers. You don't want to see their face change as you ask that question. You're going to read into it.

With your brain, as it is right now, with your anxious attachment, anything they say, you're going to scan and it's going to be to your detriment. You just need to be in yourself, in your own and body, demon in your power and know that everything is going to be okay. You avoid breaking up from a bad relationship. You know it's bad. You've asked your friends. They already told you that he probably doesn't like you, that you keep seeking validation from this person. You know why? Because they remind you of the person in your childhood who hurt you. You want love from that guy who does not want you, but kind of sticks around because if you can win his love, then it will remind you and it will let you know that the love of the person you lost as a child or you felt tethered from you.

was worth it, that you now won it in the present future, because this guy is similar to the person who hurt you. So you couldn't get their love. And now that situation is gone, but you can get his love. You've proven to yourself that you're worth it. But that's not how it works. You can never prove that you've been worth it. You need to let it go. Even if you're the ripest peach, not everybody likes peaches. That person in the past who didn't love you enough, who didn't see your worth, they did not not see you because they didn't see you because you were bad. They just didn't see you because they didn't want to see. That's it.

There's nothing more to it. It's their journey. You need to let them have that journey. At the essence of it, anxious attachment will sabotage your relationships and it will cause you to not live in the moment. Anxious attachment always lives in the future. That's prediction. Is he going to cheat on me?

Is he going to hurt me? Is he not the one? Does he not find me this? Does he not find me that? Since healing from it, I still have moments when I drop into that and I really have to like snap myself out of it. Am I the one? Does he like me?

Does he this one? Does he that one? No. You need to become securely attached. This is how you do it. You need to learn to regulate your emotions. You need to find a way to regulate your emotions without that person telling you that everything's going to be okay.

Finding a way to regulate your emotions without somebody. else is up to you. Do you want to meditate? Do you want to sit with yourself? You just need to not ask people how they feel in order to make you feel better until it becomes a practice for yourself. You cannot always rely on somebody else to fix your emotions. You have to have some kind of pillar of strength in yourself in order to regulate yourself. Secure people trust others. You need to deploy the element of trust if you decided to be in a relationship with a relationship with a person before it is broken. You cannot lead a relationship from the position of distrust and seeking a negative in that person constantly because then you will find it. That's just how life works.

That is the magnetism of the universe. That is what it is. So just dispense the idea that you're somehow going to find that they're trying to hurt you and just trust them if you will until they do hurt you. If you're so convinced that they are going to hurt you, fine. But just let life flow until they do? What is the point of living in perpetual anxiety, hence the anxious attachment, until they hurt you? You might have a good 15 years until they do. Why be in that hurt constantly? Why always be seeking for something? Just trust a person until and if they break that trust. Imagine they were never going to. Imagine with your actions, you push them away and you lose a relationship and they were never going to break your trust.

Imagine that is the reality. You should be more scared of that than somebody hurting you. Because if you were in your truth and you were correct and you were in your goodness and then they are a bad person and they hurt you.

When you walk away, you can walk away knowing you've done your best. You can walk away with a clear conscience. You can walk away knowing that you've been progressing and growing as a person that whole time and what they did is up to them, not up to you.

That's on them. Secure people have, effective communication skills. They say what they desire and what they want, as opposed to searching for outs in people and searching for inadequacies and people. Instead of saying, oh, why didn't you call me last night?

They say, I love it when you call me. I'd love it if you call me tomorrow. They say what they want as opposed to what that person did not do. And then, after saying what they want, if that person does not deliver what they want for months or years, they then don't want to be with that person, as opposed to taking a person who doesn't

to do these things for you and trying to twist them into submission and making them do those things. You need to communicate clearly with your wants and needs as opposed to playing games. Secure people seek emotional support, not validation. They say, I'm feeling tired today. I'd really love to spend time with you or I really need your help on this issue, these people that work did this, they seek emotional support. They watch what is happening and let's say after two months, you just does not call you and you've been the one calling him, you'll say, do you know what, I'd love it if you'd call me

sometimes. It makes me feel really happy. And it makes me sad when you don't. Open, clear communication. They give people a chance. Secure people are comfortable being alone. You are born as you and you will die as you. There is nobody who's come into this world with you, unless you're a twin, of course. But then there's no one who's going to go out at the same time. You need to be on this journey with yourself. You need to have some stoicism. And most of my viewers are women and you'll say, but how does that fit into emotional and female energy? Well, it does because you need to be in your feminine, in your power. The feminine is nature. You need to be in nature.

You need to be in the equilibrium of life. You need to know that sometimes people will be with you and sometimes you will be alone and you need to be comfortable with that. Nobody can carry you. You need to carry yourself. Secure people are not defensive. They, this one is a hard one for me. We are all defensive. But they take things with a pinch of salt.

They know that not everybody can really see into you. In fact, nobody can. Nobody really knows you. Everyone sees you with a perception of themselves plastered on it. When people ask me why I don't get offended by what people say about me or about my lifestyle on the internet, because I actually know that they're not talking about me. How could they possibly be?

They're talking about a microcosm of what they saw, put it together in their head from their life experiences and we're over on a web of what they believe to be a reality. It's got nothing to do with me. So not being defensive. They show empathy. Secure people share empathy when it's needed. they're there for other people,

not because it gives them something back, not because it's going to be like, oh, I did that for you, I'm going to get this back, because they just do it. They don't expect anything back. Secure people know when to compromise and when to say no. They know what their limits are.

An anxiously attached person, if they ask to wash the dishes and they are at their tether and they're tired, they will say, yeah, I'll do it just to be liked, and then they'll hate that person, resent them and have a fight and attack them. A securely attached person will say, I'm sorry, I'm tired today, I can't do.

but I love you and I'll try it tomorrow or I understand or one of us will figure it out and they can take the wrath of somebody or the discomfort of somebody because they've set their boundaries but they also know when to compromise. They're not going to go around saying oh I did this for you, I did this for you. They know when they can do something

and when they can't. They know their capabilities. They learn to know themselves. They are straightforward. They say how they feel and they mean what they say. They respect other people's boundaries. This is a big one. The thing that annoys me about people with anxious attachment styles, and I had one keep that in mind, is that they're disrespectful of people's boundaries. They think just because they feel anxious, just because they feel a type of way,

they can bulldoze people. Yeah, I know you're not comfortable. Yeah, I know life is not rosy. I know you want everybody to make you feel better, but they can't. It's not their responsibility. That's not what they were born to do. Because whether you like to hear it or not, your emotions probably come up more often than that person or any person is capable of dealing with, and it's up to you to deal with them. They're your emotions. your people are free of old baggage. They don't bring their ex-relationships or who cheated on who or how they were treated into this relationship. In fact, when you first start dating somebody, don't bring that out. It's not important. They don't know you enough to validate knowing these things

about you. All in all, I want you to understand that if you are anxiously attached, it's not your fault. But if you continue behaving that way, then it is your responsibility. You need to study secure attachment. You need to read the following books. Attached ATT.E. E-A-C-H-E-D attached, you need to read Getting the Love You Want, I'll link all these books below, and you need to read

How to Be an Adult in Relationships. All these books are linked below. Those three books will help you with your attachment style. My TikTok videos will help you with your attachment style. I'm going to be creating a course about feminine energy and overcoming anxiety soon that will probably help you a lot in your attachment style because I'm putting a lot into it.

All I know, we need to practice vulnerability and trust you need to decide to throw caution to the wind, to stop investigating, to stop concentrating on other people, concentrate on yourself and on your journey. You need to practice mindfulness and be in the moment because anxiety is all about living in the future. You just need to throw caution to the wind and be in the moment. And you need to learn about attachment because the more you learn, the more you will see that anxious attachment is not you, but it's a style of attachment. It is not who you are, it's just how you've learnt to relate, and you can change it, and you can be happy. And even if shit hits the fan and things go wrong, you will be fine. If you're securely

attached, you'll find someone else, you will get through it, and you will be happy. See you on the next time. Love you lots like journey times. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.