BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 76: How To Shift Your Anxious Attachment & Make Him Prioritize You.

Episode Date: September 2, 2024

Buy MY BOOK:https://snipfeed.co/margaritanazarenko20 feminine energy principles:https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/20femininesalesPolarity MasterClass (20 secrets to long lasting attraction & love) :https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/polarity-masterclassAmazon book list:https://www.amazon.com/shop/margaritanazarenkoBecome Magnetic (Free Ebook):https://www.margaritanazarenko.com/Email me: [e-mail]:LMNT: Get your free LMNT Sample Pack with any purchase at drinklmnt.com/BEINGHERSeed: Go to Seed.com/BEINGHER and use code 25BEINGHER to get 25% off your first monthPlease note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a dear media production. One of the things that would make you very, very, very, by the way, I'm so excited to speak to you. I always launch into it because I don't want to waste your time. Who wants that time wasted? But I am very excited to speak to you because this one is an anxious attachment video. And oh my God, if you have anxious attachment, life is a little bit tricky. You know, it's a bit trepidious. It's a little bit difficult trade for seal.

But it's also because, I don't know, sometimes, and this is the truth, when you get on a podcast, sometimes you just want to talk. And other times, you don't want to talk. But it's time to podcast. And today is one of those days where I really want to talk. You know, I want to talk to you guys. I feel like, I feel like us here, we are on a very similar journey. I feel like you get me. So it's just a vibe.

The title of this video or something they're about and this podcast is, by the way, it's both on YouTube and on. podcast platforms. So if you want to see what my face looks like, go on YouTube. If you just want to listen to me and your precious ears as you do your life and journey through the world, podcast platforms it is, how to shift your anxious attachment to make him chase you. I have been running an eight-week feminine energy amplification course on my website, margarita Nazarenko.com. That's my name.com. Yes, everybody. And I have been seen. in questions because we have forum. I will maybe open it up one more time. So if you want to go my website and sign up for it or go in the description boxes in the platforms and leave your name

to express interest, then I will have yawn on my next run if I decide to go for it. But a lot of the questions asked just reek of anxious attachment. And I say that in the most loving way possible because I, my whole life, reeked of anxious attachment. Also, yes, girly friends. And boy, friends. I did. Yes, they did. There is something to making him chase you and making him prioritize you and making him want you. So when I say chase you, it's all those things. Like prioritize you, put you first, you know, love you, da, da, da, but I'm going to just categorize as chase you as in you are the one who's like, hmm, I'm loved. And he's like, oh my gosh, love of my life. Let me do whatever it is I can for you and prioritize you and love you. That's called

chase you for the sake of this conversation. These lovely, lovely souls want to be chased, but they reek of anxious attachment. And the nature of the universe and the world is that if you are desperate, you push people away. Why do we have anxious attachment? What is anxious attachment? I have made content till the cows come home about this. So if you want to know what it is, you can go look at it. But anxious attachment is when you were young. or sometime in your formative years, you learned that the figure of your safety and affection, mother, father, whoever, mostly mother,

is not reciprocal energetically to you in terms of the fact that you're not secure in the attachment you have. She might leave suddenly. She might drop you off at daycare for hours and hours and hours at a age that you weren't ready for it. It's not because your mom was so bad or your attachment figure was so bad. People often write to me,

but nothing really bad happened to me. It doesn't have to be an epic betrayal and something horrific happened to you. It might just be, let's say, you were given to daycare because your mom had to work, and you, at your young age, didn't form the right attachment to her and felt abandoned. That is absolutely something that can happen. And you now have grown up, and you can't quite believe that people will be there for you. You're anxious about that. The way this shows up is you're the one always checking your phone, seeing if they messaged you back,

always wanting to placate that person. The exhaustion of wanting to make sure that person is okay with you, is exhausting. Have you heard their feelings? Is there micro expression off? Are they doing something wrong? Are they going to be okay? Oh my God, you didn't reply to them to set a boundary, but now you're worried, you're worried, oh my God, are they going to be okay? Are they going to be okay? Because you learned in your early childhood that you are disposable essentially, whether that might have been true or not. That is what you learned. You learned that you were not the priority. Or maybe you did have a really, tough childhood. Maybe you're a child of alcoholic parents and you had a tough time and you weren't prioritized and you had to look after yourself. And instead of becoming avoidant, which is the other

side of the spectrum, if you're not secure, you're avoiding or you are anxious, avoidance decide that frick it, I'm going to look after myself. And anxious people decide I'm going to do the best I can to make people love me and I'm going to be as useful as I can to make people prioritize me. And that is exhausting. That is exhausting. Adult children of alcoholics have, you know how people have AA, where they go to Alcoholics Anonymous. There is also a meeting for people who are children of alcoholics or enablers of alcoholics like the partners. And it creates a whole personality trait in those people whereby they enable the person who is doing the addiction and doesn't only have to be alcohol. It can be other things. And the way this anxious attachment kind of rears its ugly head is

you have an essence of control and manipulation. And the way you know it is a secure person who's just going through the world might want to do something nice for you. Let's say they want to drive you to the airport. They drive you to the airport with no obligation. I drove you to the airport, no problem, have a nice flight. Someone with anxious attachment and how I used to be is I calculate ways to placate a person. I'm scared to say no to them because I don't want them to detach from me and not love me. And then I become useless in their life and they just leave me and I am alone. And on the other hand, I'll calculate everything I've done for a person. I don't do this now. Thank you, Jesus. But I'll calculate everything I've done for a person and I will get this resentment. Like, I've done

this, this, this, this, this, even though nobody bloody asked me. Nobody asked me. That is how you know. Okay. The purpose of shifting your anxious attachment before you try and get someone to chase you is the fact that if you're doing all these maneuvers to get someone to chase you, being independent, I'm black cat energy, but you're deeply anxiously attached. It's kind of to come off as weird. You have to become secure in order for somebody to chase you. You have to do the self-work. If you shift your anxious attachment and create a more balanced, confident personality in yourself, you will inevitably be chasable. You will inevitably be somebody who is magnetic, like honey, attractive, because people can sense, we are anamalia, okay?

We can sense desperate energy. We're like, what is your, you know how horse. You know how horse can sense nerves because they don't want to be around a creature. They're a bovine animal. They don't want to be around a creature who's nervous and scared because they're like, what is wrong with you? There's no danger. You're a bit off. Horses get attracted to peace, okay? Human beings are the same. You have a very nervous energy. Everything you do comes with a caveat of you better do the same thing for me. Okay? The first thing to focus on is self-validation. It's hard. We get validation from those around us. We are a little pack animal like a mea-cat. you know, instead of seeking validation from him, start seeking validation from yourself.

It is pivotal to build self-esteem through personal achievements, self-care, prioritization of yourself and positive affirmations. As soon as you can switch your guiding light from what does he think about me to what do I think about myself, can I sleep on the pillow at night and feel good about myself? That is the first thing. As long as your confidence and your ability to love yourself is predicated on how he feels about you, you will never have him chase you, as they say, because a person can feel, he can feel, Ben can feel, Derek can feel, Brad can feel that you are scanning him like Terminator 2 for his emotions and reactions to you.

People know that. You know that when you've dated guys who all they care about is your validation. You need to reinforce your self-worth and your accomplishments big or small through your own ideas of what is good and bad. You need to write down what your virtues are and what you believe to be morally correct and who you want to be and start competing with yourself, measuring up with yourself, not your idea of who you think he wants. He is not your God. Your self-expression and your experience and who you are trying to be is your North Star, not him. And you need to go to bed at night loving you as opposed to being like, well, I served my master correctly this week.

He shall give me love. No. Who do you want to be? Because at the end of the day, it might not be him that you end up with. So if you guys know, I am one for electrolyte drinks in order to get my salt content in. The one I use is Element. I'm drinking right now. The grapefruit salt. Element is a zero sugar electrolyte drink mix born from growing body of research, revealing that optional health and outcomes occur at sodium levels two to three times government recommendations. It also acts as something to drink that is

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Go to seed.com slash being her and use code 25 being her to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% of your first month at Seeds, DSO-1 daily symbiotic at Seed.com slash being her. Code 25 being her. 25% of your first month of Seeds, DSO-1 daily symbiotic at seed.com slash being her. Code 25 being her. Promote your gut, her. health, reinforce your health, and support yourself from the inside out. Next, you need to cultivate independence, engage in activities that are outside of the

relationship with him or what you guys do together. And it's really hard because when you are codependent or anxiously attached, you genuinely don't have joy in doing things for yourself or alone. And another way to tell is neglect of self-care. And I don't mean a mask every week and a bubble bath, I mean things like brushing your teeth. I remember when I was deeply anxiously attached, I would forego self-care in order to, like, for example, if I needed like to have a dentist appointment and he would call and say, let's hang out, I would cancel it. What are you doing, canceling it? Yuck, you're disgusting. Sorry. How, this is the problem with anxious attachment. How do you think you're going to be attractive to someone if you can't even look after yourself,

how you look, your hygiene, all these things, right? It's not like I looked unhygienic. Like, I'm exaggerating, but I would cancel on friends. I would do all these things. And it's like, how, what is the, what is the move here? Like, what is the long term plan? I would talk to myself this way if I could have told myself back then. Like, what is the long term plan, Muggs? Like, what are we doing? Like, what you're going to just placate him and follow him, everything he wants and does? Because you find that, would you find that attractive? You wouldn't find that attractive. People find independence attractive. To make the power dynamic shift, you need to make yourself reliant on you and things you do, not on his attention,

okay? You need to start hobbies, passions, interests, spend more time with friends, don't cancel on them as much as you want to, to have a well-rounded life that he then is attracted to and wants to be a part of. If you have no life, Bubba, if you have no life, what is he supposed to want to be a part of? Do you understand that if you don't cultivate a life for yourself that is attractive, well-rounded, amazing friends, things you do, you are going to. You are going to. You are going to be a part of. You're going to, to attract a narcissist. Careful, baby girl, careful. You're going to attract a narcissist because you're going to attract someone who wants someone with no life, like a slave mentality, someone who just cancels plans on themselves, someone who doesn't, you know, look after themselves. Think about the type of person

that you are going to attract, who is attracted to someone who doesn't have a life. Well-rounded, secure human beings want to be a part of someone's life that is well-rounded and amazing. Like who wants to, let's say, marry someone who does nothing but look up Look up at them on the pedestal. Yes, master. Who wants that? What is going on? Okay. Next, practice mindfulness and emotional regulation. Emotional regulation and detachment is the king of your life, okay? Learn to manage your anxiety through mindfulness techniques. There are many. There are many. Meditation, etc. Deep breathing. Journaling is mine. I find meditation to be scrupulous and difficult. I will change on that. I promise you, you will see meditation videos from me in the future because I will break this horse.

I need to harness meditation. But you need to break the urge to cling and overthink with your own life. Busy. You need to be busy and you need to be journaling and having your own journey, okay? When you feel anxious, take a few minutes. Breathe. Do not text him a hundred things. Think about it with a detachment.

This is a business. This is not a good business. decision. I know you wouldn't text your CEO, a boss or somebody you're trying to work with. You wouldn't bombard them like this. But you do it in order to soothe your anxious attachment. Then he replies, and you're like, ah, he's replied, okay, I can live another day. But you've now ruined the relationship because now you're psycho, okay? Now you're acting crazy. You need to center yourself, focus on the present moment, instead of spiraling. You need to detach and think of it as a long-term plan. We want a long-term partner. We want to be respectful of their autonomy. We want to be

respectful of their time and boundaries, because if you're bombarding them and always, always putting your big fat face in their life, they've got no time to breathe. It's rude. Next, set clear boundaries for you. Establish boundaries that protect your emotional well-being, okay? You meet someone, they always ghosting you, never replying to you, it's triggering your anxious attachment, clearly to communicate that you want somebody who's going to be around. Like, I like to hang out with somebody three times a week. If you're not down, totally cool. Don't even reply to me. Don't even tell me. Just decide. And if it's not for you, just go, go. Be free, birdie, fly. Give people the boundaries that you have. If he's inconsistent in his communications, let him know you expect a certain maintenance in a relationship.

But say it easy, breezy cover girl cosmetics. This person owes you nothing. You're just letting them know the care manual for you. Hi, I'm a cactus. I don't need that much water. I like desert conditions. Hi, I'm a lotus flower. I like this, this, this, you know, I like to be in a swamp with the little toad on me, okay? Don't feel that you are being desperate by communicating your care manual. I like to hang out a lot. I like to be replied to. If that's not for you, boom, cool, whatever, right? But also, see what that person is genuinely like. If that person genuinely does not have time, space and reality to encompass everything you've got to offer, then that's okay. Like, you don't need to break him to fit the mold. Like, you want someone star-shaped and he's a square and you're just stuffing in his little star pointers in order to make him a square.

Don't do that. Let people be authentically who they are. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Yeah? Next, avoid over pursuing someone. The bandaid for an anxiously attached person is making sure that person is close and making sure that they are there and making sure that you haven't hurt their feelings and the connection between you still exists.

Oh, are they walking away? Oh, that's okay. They're back. Are they walking away? Oh, it's okay. back. You need to live in the discomfort that you've got your own back and get comfortable with it. Stop initiating all the contact. Stop writing texts that outweigh his text by 700, you know, sentences. I still have to monitor myself in doing this. Look at me. I like to talk for a living,

yeah? So in a relationship, you've got to be a bit sassy with it, a bit cool with it, a bit exciting with it. You can't just, this, this cult of being authentic is a cult, okay? There is an art of flirting, as you know, because you've read my book. I'm sure you've read my book. Why wouldn't you have? There is an art to it, okay? You can't just come with your authentic self and be like, yes, everybody wants me for me. Yeah, they might do, but it's, there's some pizzazz, there's some risz to it, okay? Allow the person's space to reach out and make the effort. Allow him to chase you. It's fun. Why are you being the moose? He's a, he's, gone hunting and you're the moose standing on his doorstep, standing on his doorstep, you've just

killed the whole chase. How can you chase you? You want him to chase you, I know, because you tell me about it. You want him to initiate, you've initiated everything. You've planned everything. Oh, but he doesn't do it. Okay, well, let's take a chance. Never do it again. You never plan anything again and let's see where your relationship goes. If the way he values you is that he never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever plans anything again. And he never contacts you again. Wouldn't you have rather known? Wouldn't you have rather known?

He doesn't even like you. Okay? It creates a sense of mystery and makes a person likely to chase because there's a gap. You're always closing the gap. You're right in his George Foreman grill, okay? You're right here. How can he close the gap if you're right in front of him? Boom, he's butting heads with you, okay?

If you're always the one texting, pull back. Okay? Pull back slightly and give him the opportunity to come forward. Okay? Risk it. Take a risk, baby girl. Take a risk that he will never contact you again and you will never speak. Take a risk.

Fuck it. Let's do it. Next, this is my favorite. Shift your focus on self growth. Redirect your energy towards your personal growth. You've got so much energy, so much betterment to give, so much thought, so much, you know, your high energy being, it's clear because all you think about is this relationship. friendship, okay? When you're focused on bettering yourself, your friendships, you naturally become

more attractive and less needy to other people. You need to break the paradigm, become secure, act secure. That is literally the formula to being, not anxiously attached, acting secure until you become it until you reset the algorithm in your brain, you need to set personal goals in areas like fitness, like gold. I love goal setting and like driven goal setting because it just eliminates space in your life to do stupidness like chasing people who don't want you, okay? You can set goals in areas like career, fitness, education, like you've got so much growing to do. And this is the thing about self-growth and focusing on it. Okay, listen to me. It's very important. This person, John, might not be for you, okay? Duane might not be for you, okay? In this chance that

they are, you would have grown and self-developed to a point where you are a better person for John or Duane. In the chance that they're not for you, you would have developed for the next person, Kyle, to come into your life or Hans, okay? And now you're a whole more rounded person, okay? Set goals across areas like fitness goals. I love right now, I'm in my, I've had two kids. What is the 30-year-old me looking like? What is she feeling like? Because as I turned 30, I was pregnant pretty much soon after. I don't know my 30s without having babies. I'm being pregnant, okay?

I'm excited about this new era. I'm obsessed. I don't have time to chase homeboy, okay? Arter detachment is next. Practice emotional detachment by accepting that you cannot control your relationships or feelings with others. You can only control yourself. You do not own them. They can come and go.

There is nothing you can say or do that will stop them cheating, leaving you, abandoning you, nothing. There are people who stay with absolutely. absolute psychotic psychopaths. And there are people who cheat on and leave the best things in the world, okay? There is nothing you can do that's on them. You can only be the best part of yourself in your own journey. Focus on your own happiness. Let go of the need to control them.

You cannot control them. When you feel the urge to overanalyze his actions, remind yourself that you can't force someone's feelings. You can't force him to like you. And instead, trust that naturally things will progress as they should if you present the best version of yourself. You can only walk away presenting the best version of yourself and being proud of yourself knowing, hey, I did my best, as opposed to, wow, all I did was chase him and be a psycho. That was crazy. Next, become the prize. You can only be the prize. If you are the prize, you cannot be the prize by default by just sitting there like a slub, okay? Adopt the mindset that you're the prize in the relationship. You're Simon Cowell. He's auditioning for you. You're not auditioning for him. When you see yourself in this way, it changes your energy and makes you value yourself more. You need to see your value. I have seen people who are absolutely normal, neutral people who value themselves

that allows other people to see value in them. However much value you give to yourself, like any brand, a luxury brand gives value to themselves. This is a Birken. This is not a sack made of leather. This is a Birken. Okay? That's what makes people believe in its value. Carry yourself in the way a Birken would if it was walking around. Not in an arrogant, confident way. because Berkins wouldn't carry themselves like that. They're French after all, okay? They're very cool. You know?

Carry yourself in that way. Put effort into the experience of being you, as opposed to trying to jump through hoops to be with him. Lean in for this one. Reward effort, not attention. Okay? Respond positively to his actions and efforts rather than simply giving in to his random texts and attention.

tension. This reinforces his behavior to chase you and work towards being with you as opposed to doing all of this. Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba, Jabba with the mouth. Flapping his lips like a rat. Flapper, flapper, flapper. Hmm, that's nice. Hmm. Whatever. Flap, flap, flap. You're not reacting. He's doing something that makes a genuine effort to plan. Oh my God. I love that restaurant. That's so amazing. That's so thoughtful. Oh my God. I really appreciate you. You're awesome. Don't like, oh my God, and wet your pants, but like, you know, next. Emphasize quality time over quantity. You don't need to be in someone's space all the time.

Why are you always in his space? Okay? Focus on making time that you spend together meaningful rather than frequent. Don't use him as a bandage to fill in your time to sit there on the sofa, watching reruns of something. You can watch reruns by yourself, okay? Build stronger connections with quality time, leaving him wanting more. You cannot have him hungry. You cannot have him over full. You need to have him satiated. But a little bit like, oh, I could have dessert. Oh, oh, she's gone. Planned special activities that you can both enjoy instead of constantly being available for just blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I'm free on Wednesday. What should we do? That restaurant you took me to me to last time was amazing. Minigolf. I would hate to do mini golf. Like anything that requires me to move is just not. But, you know, you do you. And at the base of it all,

don't be afraid to walk away. Recognize that if he's not meeting your needs and respecting your barrenories and doing all these things, he's not the last human being on earth. I know it's hard to believe, but he's not the last human being on earth. And soon, maybe in five years, you won't even remember he smelt like, looked like, acted like. If he continues to be distant, disrespects your time and effort, doesn't make plans. Sometimes that is just the reality. He is not the person for you. He might just not be the person for you. As crazy as that is. Yeah, it might be. be Kyle, okay? It might be Kyle or not John. If you have anxious attachment and you're trying to make someone chase you, the key is to work on the anxious attachment and they will naturally

chase you if they like you. You're confident, independent, irresistible, sexy, amazing, attractive, delicious, nutritious, and they will chase you. Guys, thank you for coming on this one. Why don't you go on my website, look at 20 feminine energy principles, look at polarity. It's for both boys and girls, right? For the boys asking, can I watch this? I'm a gay man. Yes, you can, because if you want to be in your feminine, anyone can be in their feminine. Have a look. Love you lots like jelly tots, and I'll see you in the next one. Mwa. Bezos. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.