BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 80: The Cult of Authenticity: Why 'Being Yourself' is Holding You Back.

Episode Date: September 29, 2024

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Hi baby, welcome to the podcast. Today we're talking about the cult of authenticity. Let me settle into my situation here. Let me pop my beverage, whatever that beverage might be. If you know me, you know it's a Diet Coke. I am trying to quit. I did a photo shoot yesterday for the rebrand of this podcast. If it's out already, then it's out.

And what do you think of the rebrand? Let me know. Let me know in the comments below. Let's talk about it. I am wearing no makeup today. I am having a moment of decombolation because I was in full makeup yesterday. I've been running around like a crazy chihuahua. And now I am in my authentic mode. This is me being my authentic self, yes. But the reality is what is the authentic self? And why us being told constantly, constantly, constantly to be authentic might not always be

the best thing for us, okay? So let's talk about. about authenticity and why it's not always what it's cracked up to be. I feel like in every era and in every generation and in every modality of life, there is a cult of something. Like there's a cult of femininity. And then it was the girl boss era, wasn't it? That girl boss era about like, if you're not a girl boss, I love that it's girl boss and not a woman boss and not just a boss and the fact that it got sold to women as such an appealing thing. But yet in its entirety, it's still considered like you're still a girl. It's still such a girly feminine thing. Like, yes, girl boss, but they feel like they're so empowered by it. Anyway, we move on. Girl boss is a whole different

conversation. But let's talk about the cult of authenticity. Every generation has an obsession with something. I feel like there was a hippie era and everyone was like liberated and free when the pill came out for us women, okay? Then there's the girl boss era. Now is the like the trad wife era and it's also the authenticity era that if he will like you he will like you for you like the man who's out there and that is meant to like you will just like you and he will just see you and you will be there wafting on a cloud with your authentic self might be unshaven legs might be stinky armpits or whatever it is your authentic self or it might be the fact that you just have really quirky habits and he's just also going to have that and he's also going to love it

And you know what? There's absolutely nothing wrong with having hairy legs and all that stuff because men will still want you. Let's be honest. Like, it might not be the man you want you, but men will still want you. There will be men who want you. So if you feel you need to shave your legs for men, don't. It's just for your own self and for your own vibe. But the cult of authenticity is a problem.

They're trying to sell you something that is so difficult to attain and difficult to actually manifest. Because if you approach life from a position where you are trying to. to create the best version of yourself or you are trying to present the best version of yourself, let's say at like a job interview format, it is way easier than to be yourself. They always advise YouTubers to be themselves. They advise people at interviews to be themselves and it's absolutely bloody difficult. How do you know what yourself is first of all? You are asking somebody. It's like saying to kids, all I want for you to be, honey, is just be happy. Just be happy. You know what I mean? Just be happy. It's really, really hard. How can you just be happy? Happiness is the most elusive and hard to come by emotion that there is. Happy. What is that even? It's got to be juxtaposed to unhappiness. You've got to have parts in your life that are happy or unhappy. It's easier to, let's say, be hardworking or motivated as opposed to happy. Happiness is a feeling that you might sometimes feel and sometimes not. So how can you feel it when you don't want to or.

you can't in a certain moment. Same with authenticity. What is authenticity? In order for somebody to go out there and just be authentic through the sheer force of being authentic, it's such a tall order. And putting your life's relationships and your life's future on it is really, really hard. The paradox of being authentic. The huge amount of pressure that especially young people will feel and women in being authentic, especially when it's predicated on the fact that your partner is now going to be attracted to your authentic self. Back in the day, maybe you needed to wear some nice stockings and giggle girlishly for him to be attracted to you, which is a formula. You do ABC and he's attracted to you, okay? It's much easier to do than be your authentic self. The issue with it is you get obsessed with authenticity and

the idea of it and the cult of it. Social media plays a huge role in it because we are told constantly to be our authentic selves. And women go on this journey quest of self-authenticity of like, who am I? Am I the girdy girl? Am I the girl boss? Am I this, am I that? It's almost like curating this character. But then you can't curate it because you can't even fake it until you make it, which I really believe in. I really believe in manufacturing yourself and manufacturing who you want to be until it becomes you. If you read my book, The New Rules, Being Her, you will know that I really believe in manufacturing a certain personality type or trait until it becomes you, because life is not meant to be lived just because you're this blob who exists and then the blob exists forever.

The blob is supposed to evolve. The blob is supposed to become something. And if you're obsessed with authenticity and you're obsessed with it becoming your own branding, like, do you wear brown? Are you the girlie who's got bronzer on? Are you the girlie? Who are you? It can become really, discombobulating. I think authenticity versus growth is the bigger subject that is to be addressed. I am of the growth mindset. I am not of the authenticity mindset. You need to understand what is more useful for you to have. If you have a growth mindset, even when it comes to relationships, which I suppose you are more interested in because you listen to this podcast, you would be more interested in the fact that if you have a growth mindset, you will always cultivate an air around

you of mystery and interest, of somebody who's always slightly out of reach of the man that you are with. And men love to chase women. They don't even love it. It's like it's inbuilt in them. They know that you are the sex that has something to, they have something to gain from you. That's why men chase women. They want something from you. And if you are always elusive and a couple of steps ahead, that is what creates the formula for constant attraction. And I know that it's annoying and I know that you don't want to hear it. But in order to have that push-pull desire formula, whereby you are both in love, that's authenticity, but you're also in desire. You desire him, he desires you. You need to be a few steps ahead. You need to be on the growth journey and always growing and always evolving. And this is the best part,

baby, that is also good for you. Even if you don't succeed, with a man you're with, you would have grown into somebody who is more interesting. The archetypes of womanhood, the maiden, mother, matriarch is an evolution journey. It's not an authenticity journey. You don't just sit there and be who you are. You as the feminine need to be the inspiration to your children and in the relationship. You need to have the growth mindset, not the authenticity mindset. Authenticity is made to make you feel redundant and for you to just sit there and hope for things to happen to you. And I don't like that and I don't want that for you. And trust and believe men respond to growth and not to authenticity. Because the one thing that

we know about men is that you can talk to them till the cows come home about how you feel and your authentic feelings if they've hurt you. But trust and believe, the way that they know that they've hurt you. And if you want to communicate that to them is take your energy away. Take your energy away. And that will create a shift in him. That is what. the male response to. That's what the masculine response to. The myth of just being yourself in a relationship. When you first meet someone and you go on a date, the best advice people give you is just be yourself wrong. That is not a good piece of advice. You ladies go into dates, telling the guy that you are seeing about how badly you were treated by the person you were seeing before how he cheated on you.

I've made this mistake myself in the past. I have made this mistake myself and it is a mistake because Number one, you've just met them, you are on a date, you don't owe them yet your authentic journey and trajectory. This person might not be in your life. You've just spilt your authentic self, authentic in quotations, to somebody. You've told them how somebody's hurt you in the past. You've told them how you've been rejected and dejected. And they might take that information and, number one, use it against you or devalue you with that information. or most likely they might not be a part of your life,

but you've just given a very genuine part of yourself away and it's landed on death years. That part of yourself should be reserved for close friends and confidence, women around you or a partner that's been with you for a long time, not someone you're dating. But the dangerous advice with the authenticity is that you arrive and you're trying to be your true self and you're being too candid. You are letting somebody in to something that is reserved

for people who have deserved it. He needs to deserve that energy. He needs to deserve your energy and time. It needs to come slowly. The book needs to evolve. It needs to be a trilogy of interesting things about you. If you give away the things straight away, it's not interesting. And even if he is a good guy and you tell him about how badly you were treated and past relationships,

it kills the mystery and it gives your value to him. I don't care how you twist that cat or twist the story or whatever it is you do. if you tell him how badly everyone treated you, it's already lodged in his head that there is something about you that made him do that to you. Men respond to the competition of other men. Men drive cars to impress other men to do these things to compete with other men. If you've been abused by a lot of men, it's not your fault. I'm telling you, it's not your fault. Me, me, Margarita, I'm telling you it's not your fault. But he's going to denote that, hmm, what was going on in their relationship that that man felt he could do that to her? Men respond really well to a woman

that is revered and wanted by wanted, I didn't say dates, wanted by many other men. They like the competition. I just want to clarify that this is not about being fake or creating a persona, but it is about knowing the stages of persona that you express and expose to people in a relationship. Like a book, like a trilogy, I said, first you show this, then you show that, then you show the other. Authenticity can also be a mask. people are now using authenticity as a mask and men can use it to bait you into saying, well, that's just me. That's just authentic me.

You say, I don't want you to go to strip clubs. I don't really like that. That makes me feel unloved, et cetera. It's just a boundary I have. Well, that's just me. That's the authentic me. People are using authenticity as a virtue signaling thing that they're trying to do something good when it's actually abusive and not conducive to a relationship. Well, that's just me.

I don't care how clean the house is. Well, that's just me. I like to have 500 girlfriends. While that's just me, that's what I do. I don't like to reply to people. You tell him that you'd like to hear from him every day. And he's like, well, that's just me. And now we've got to accept it because of the cult of authenticity.

We've been told that authentic is the top priority. Authentic is the be all and end all. So authentic is what we've got to be. So if he's treating you badly, well, at least he's authentic, right? Authenticity also blocks you from addressing negative beliefs and moving through them. Negative beliefs is a pivotal part of my become her course, which is launching again the 1st of November. I will put links in the description box below or if you're listening in the description box. Go and register before the 1st of November. Right now it's an early bird price,

but anyway, I won't talk about that for long. The point being removing limiting beliefs is, I believe, week one or week two of the course with the modules and the coursework that you need to do, okay? If you can't remove your limiting beliefs, you cannot transcend into who you're meant to be. If you believe in authenticity being the be all and end all, you will wall in the reality that you currently have and not remove the limiting beliefs that you have. And therefore, you won't transcend into who maybe you were meant to be. If you want to talk about authenticity and feminine energy, one must understand that the way that we are taught authenticity in the mainstream is just to stick to who you are and not compromise. When in reality, authenticity and feminine

energy if you choose to look at it that way is more so to do with responding authentically to your once dreams and emotions to be truly in your feminine and operate in your feminine and be extremely attractive and moorish to the masculine is to be authentic to your emotions and not authentic and rigid in your understanding of how the world is so you are more fluid you are more playful you are more responsive and do you are authentically responding to your emotions as opposed to saying, no, no, no, I'm authentic and this is how I live my life and this is what I do and that's me being authentic and that's it. I'm going to climb myself up like a crowd. See you later. I would encourage you to, if you are confused by the subject, think of authenticity versus intentionality.

Intentionality is truly the thing that matters as opposed to authenticity. I have this thing that really annoys me, but I also, it's me. It's never going to change. Every time I have a birthday, I had mine in September. I always want to start the year differently. I also do this on New Year. I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like that. And then I used to be that kid who used to start a new book at school, you know, and if I made a mistake writing, I would have to like scrap the whole paper by another book because, you know, the colours weren't colouring correctly. And for me, I was never the girl who, you know, was so good at making my book look perfect. I always had an issue. There was girls, Jessica, Amanda, Samantha, whoever they were, they always had the perfect writing, everything.

I'm a bit of a messy person. I'm very in my head. I just need to get it out and I work fast, not perfectly. So I always wanted it to look perfect and I wanted it to look amazing, but it never came out. And every new year and every birthday, I do this. And I'm like, okay, so from now on, I'm going to, I don't know, something benign, like drink water. I'm going to drink two liters of water. And the first day, I don't do it, probably the third day after my birthday.

I'm like, I've ruined it. I've ruined what I was trying to do. But the reality is, is that I do evolve. I do get better and I do grow and I am becoming more and more proud of myself as I evolve. Even the rebrand of my podcast, my husband looked at it and he was like, wow, this is you, in photos, this is you. I've not seen you in photos before. Why didn't you do this ages ago?

I'm like, babe, because I'm trying. I am trying. So that's the thing. When I stopped trying to be authentic, I came out as authentic. that is the problem with that cult of authenticity, and I would internalize the process and say, how about the cult of intentionality? What is the intention?

Intention means everything. Even in actions, when someone's intention was to hurt you, it's unforgivable. When someone's intention wasn't to hurt you, it is forgivable. So how about the cult of intentionality instead? How about we make things intentional? We make them more about what you want to be

and who you want to become. if you want to be a mysterious woman, that's your intention. If you want to be an alluring woman, that's your intention. If you want to be loving and kind, that is your intention, as opposed to who am I in the moment? Who am I already? How do I express that? How do I express that?

Me, me, me, me, me, me. The danger of authenticity and authenticity police is that everyone online and everyone is obsessed with it, that's not you, that's not you. You're cancelled, you're cancelled, you can't even apologise and move on anymore. You can't move on with an idea that you now, want to step away from the stupidest people. Philosophers have said time and time again are the ones who think that their opinions are right. There needs to be room to change your mind and if you're obsessed with authenticity you can't change it and people hold you to an opinion but you said,

but you said you were vegan and now you're not but whatever. Okay, Jacob, it is what it is. I've changed my mind because I grow more, I learn more and that is the reality of authenticity. people being cancelled left right and centre, nobody can say what they think or how they feel is the issue as opposed to anything else. If you want to balance authenticity and growth, you need to check in with yourself regularly. Ask, am I doing this from my intention and the person I want to be? Or am I stuck in a limited mindset and thinking, know that this is my authentic self. I've always loved eating oysters and champagne. I can't eat a burger. You know what I mean? This is a benign example, but you know what I mean? You need to embrace discomfort. Always think about growth.

If it feels mildly uncomfortable, it's probably the right step. You need to surround yourself with people who believe in your evolution to believe that you can become the next Pokemon, like my amazing team who are rebranding my podcast and helping me surround yourself with people and a team I am learning to let go in many ways of things that I am not the best at and let the people who are the best at it handle it. And don't be afraid to say that you were wrong and pivot and say, you know, for example,

I used to run a beauty slash fashion channel because my mom is the biggest fashion queen in the world. Like she's fashion personified. And admiring that, not growing up, but just like as I was older, admiring that, I was like, oh, you know what, I'll make a channel about that. I love fashion, but I don't care about it enough to speak about it. If me and you were friends, I would never speak to you about a jacket I got unless you ask me where it's from. I don't speak about what I wear and things like that.

I speak about concepts and ideas, not about clothes, which is fine. if you love to speak about clothes, fantastic, then that type of channels for you. I went and I did a diploma in life coaching and then I started this. I pivoted unapologetically because you cannot always be the same person. And when it comes to relationships, if you want to find somebody for you, scrap the idea of authenticity, be always in the growth mindset because that will attract a man who will want to see you grow and want to admire you as you grow as the, black cat energy woman that you are and he will chase you like a golden retriever see you on the next one