BEING HER with Margarita Nazarenko - 86: Make Him Chase You & Commit Using Dating Power Moves with Karla Elia.

Episode Date: November 10, 2024

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You are prolific in the space of the wife movement, of how to get the man, what to do, and just good, healthy mindset. And I want you to teach my audience today. I was first starting to coach and mentor women who were in their early 20s, but then I got very blessed to meet women who were in their early 30s and mid-30s and they're like, what am I doing wrong? When it comes to dating now, I take a different approach because more and more people are meeting online. I feel like it's intimidating to go up to a beautiful woman, especially if she's with her friends, super confident, very smiley. That's scary. Men get more rejected than women. I wanted to be the one to kind of like discern which man I allowed into my circle. I just let him know that I'm there and that I'm interested and that I do nothing. So men do meet the expectation if the stress is there and it needs to happen.

I have a conversation once. After I have that one conversation, I'm then talking about. talking and I'm doing. Carla, I am so excited to have you today. You have no idea how many of your TikToks I've watched over time. You are prolific in the space of the wife movement, of how to get the man, what to do, and just good, healthy mindset. And I want you to teach my audience today. How are you?

I'm doing well. Thank you. I'm super excited to be here. And I am almost positive that our audiences like cross each other because I get so, many women on my side as well, just saying, you guys should do a podcast together. So this is, I'm sure that this is a long time waiting. Oh my God. It's so good. And I got the red nails in honor of you for everyone who's watching and not listening. This is the iconic look. And today I was scrambling around trying to get a red lip, but I've got a baby daughter and I was like, I need to get

to the studio. So red nails is the vibe. So you've inspired me. I love it. No, no, no. Thank you so much. you have inspired me as well. Amazing. So let's get into the juicy, juicy details because your mindset is crystal clear and perfect when it comes to these things. So I saw that you were doing a Christmas holiday kind of dating ideas and how to start dating and how to get your man in this period. And you were also doing a series about mindsets that are keeping you single.

Can you enlighten me? Because I've been married for a while and I make content more to do with the male-female dynamic, but the dating vibes, you are the queen of that. What do you mean by mindsets that are keeping you single? Absolutely. So right now we're seeing a shift and a trend of women who are in their early 30s, mid-30s and even late 30s who are single. And I'm not, don't quote me on this, you guys, but I'm pretty sure that this is just a new phenomenon of women being able to have the career that they want, being able to make the money and being able to have all these things. But in the area that a lot of these women are struggling with, it's dating. It's finding the person worth

getting ready for, worth, you know, setting the time aside and meeting them up for dinner or lunch and doing these activities with and getting to know them intimately and emotionally. And so when it comes to dating, I was first starting to coach and mentor women who were in their early 20s, but then I got very blessed to meet women who were in their early 30s and mid-30s and they're like, what am I doing wrong? And I feel like this is where our content or our advice really comes together and aligns because I notice at least that because of these women are super successful and really, really do love their life as it is.

Sometimes they carry on this mothering way of themselves or this very masculine. energy of themselves. So when it comes to dating now, I take a different approach because more and more people are meeting online. I met my husband online. And so once I figure out like, oh, wait, there are still good men out there, you know, good provider, traditional men who just want the best for their woman. And I found that very average woman.

Like I always say, I'm an average woman. If I found that, anybody can as well. it just takes the right mindset, wisdom, and strategy. So if I'm 32 years old, let's say, for example, and I've got my career and, you know, I'm working in whatever field I want to work in, and I'm there, and I've got my down payment on wherever I want to live, and it's great.

What is my first steps? How are my dating? Am I going on an app? What am I doing? Absolutely. So I usually say apps first, if you've been out of the game for a while. So if you just want to get your toes wet and you're just like,

you know what, easy, fast, accessible, let's do the apps. But I would also recommend to do research on which app first. Because Tinder has a different culture, different tag with it. So does Bumble and Hinge. And for my faith-based women who want to use more Christian apps or faith-based apps, I would recommend those to them. But it really just depends on whatever the woman is looking for.

Like if the single lady wants something quick, easy experience, I would say use both Tinder and Hinge, if you're looking for something a little bit more serious, I would say Bumble because the woman is actually the one who messages the guy first, which I personally like that. That's how I meant my husband, because I tried Tinder when I was single for like three days,

and I hated it. I was like, this is not for me. I don't like that men have access to me like this. I prefer Bumble. But even the app, dating app culture has changed, dramatically or drastically these last couple of years because I was on there three years ago and it's not the same as it was three years ago. So now I'm saying use a dating apps to kind of test it out, see what's out there. And if that's not working for you, you've been on there longer

than three months, let's go ahead and do in person. Where are you hanging out? Where are you going? How are you showing up? Because that is so important. And, you know, depending on the vibes, of the woman, if they're coming with me, they want mentorship with me, they're looking for very masculine men. And so I just tell them straight off the bat. They're not going to be in dancing classes. They're not going to be in cooking classes. They're going to be a brunch on a meeting with some of their businessmen. Like they're going to be out and about coffee shops. Like, depending on where you're going. Like you just have to know your area. So I really, really have it down now, I think, which I'm really proud and blessed to say that. But if you're 32,

you are single, you have the house, you have the job, everything, you just want to share that with someone. First of all, valid. That is totally valid. I support that. And then the second thing is choose your avenue, either dating apps or in person, but get out there. How are you presenting yourself as this woman online? What are you leading with? Are you like, I've got this house, this car, I'm this badass bitch. Is that what you're leading with or are you leading with other qualities? Yeah, that is such a great question. That is so important because a lot of these successful men are leading with their occupation.

Yeah. And I'm like, no, honey, no, baby, you can't do that. You're more than that. And that's really where I step in. And I'm like, no, let's change that. You're not just your occupation. You're not just all these amazing things that you've achieved. you also have value as a woman.

You have inherit value and worth as a woman. And that's really where I think we both align on that because I feel like women are just so valuable and so precious. And that's why they need us sometimes to just remind them. Exactly. I think the difficult thing for them to understand, and I think you understand this perfectly, is that we like men for perhaps what they do or who they become

or their qualities that they have worked on, i.e. a job, things like that, right? whilst then we try and present with those qualities in order to win him over, but that doesn't work for men. It doesn't work. What would you say works in order to impress a guy on a dating website? What are you putting forward? Oh, well, first of all, men are visual creatures. I know that we, I know that a lot of women to test that, but that's just their nature.

Like, it's so important. I always say pictures are everything. And in my previous courses and in this group coaching experience that I'm going to have and launch, I'm going to be showing them my personal pictures, the ones that I use and good ones to use because you could show your figure without having to show anything. And that is so important. Like I know for a fact, my husband always loves it when I'm like pretty modest, but it's still very feminine. He's like, I'm obsessed.

whenever you are like with your skirts and with like cute tops I'm obsessed um and say that's what I try to teach the the women as well like you could show without having to show everything and making sure that you are happy before going on to the dating scene is also very important because men don't care about what you do they care about how you make them feel and if you don't make them feel whatever you are feeling because our energy is very contagious so if we are, you know, sad or we're not happy with where we are or we're just looking to get married as fast as possible, they can feel all of those things and immediately know whatever it is that, you know, that we want, what we're looking for. And they're here for the game. I feel like

a lot of men are also like to play the game. They really do. Yeah. And so if you're out there and you do have a high achieving job and you're a very competent woman, you lean into your masculine. Are you, can you drive with that or do you have to hide that when you're on a date? I always like to say to switch it. I feel like we, you have to learn how to switch it because you can be both. You can be super successful, very driven, passionate about what you do. But what I've noticed and what I've encountered is if you lead with that masculine energy, you lead with your occupation, you lead with your competence, and you show and almost audition

for this man, you are going to be proving to yourself to this man for the rest of your life. And I don't want that. I don't want that for any of the women that do mentorship with me. I want them to be relaxed. I want them to be in their flow state. I want them to be creative. I want them to be energized. And there's no way that you could do that if you pluck out of one job, plucking into the

other, consistently having to prove yourself. to this person and then you make him lazy. I don't want that for the woman that I mentor. Does this make sense? It makes perfect sense. And we're going to get onto the when you're in a relationship and he gets lazy because that's such a pain point for women. But before we get to that being with him stage, I want to know if you are out in public

and you see him at one of these places, I don't know, you've gone to a golf course, a venue where you've seen him. Are you approaching or are you doing some maneuver so that he approaches? What are we doing, Carla, help us out? Oh, I'm extremely confident. I am so confident. So I think I saw one video that said, tell him you like him and then do nothing. And I do that.

I did that unintentionally. And it's the best thing to do where you give them a little crumble because that's all they need. Men are not as confident as us women, I would like to say. And I feel like they just need a little creak to just get in there. A little open door, a little slide open for them to just get in there. and pursue, but how could they pursue when we are completely closed off? It's intent. I feel like it's intimidating to go up to a beautiful woman, especially if she's with

their friends, super confident, very smiley. That's scary, getting rejected. That's another thing. Men get more rejected than women. So what I have done before, not in the dating apps, of course, but maybe even in the dating apps because I chose Bumble, I wanted to be the one to kind of like discern which man I allowed into my circle, I just let him know that I'm there and that I'm interested and then I do nothing.

Then we do nothing. See him at the golf course? Let him know. Oh, like in your own style, in your own way. Just let him know that you're there. Let him know that you're looking and then do nothing. I love that approach because I think essentially a woman should do the picking, but the man should do the pursuing.

And I think that creates a really good echo. because especially in the modern day and age, I don't know if I was a man, how I would know which woman I'm allowed to approach, when I'm allowed to approach, what I'm allowed to do, what's going to be offensive, inoffensive, how forward moving can I be? So there needs to be like an in for him to start talking to you. When I met my husband, I saw him at an event about 10 years ago and I said to my friend who was a photographer at that event, I was like, pretend that you think we're together and take a photo of us together, like hustle us into the same photo and she was like, done. And then when she did that, he started talking to me, but he wouldn't have talked to me otherwise.

He knows this story, so I'm not spilling any tea, but I really, really agree with it. So once you're on that date and the check comes and you're going to pay it, are you offering to pay? What are you doing? I don't offer to pay. He invited me. He's getting it. He's not even allowing the table.

It's already being picked up. And that's another thing. I always suggest for the woman to be patient to get invited out to dinner because he's the one who planned it. He's the one who's inviting you. The person who invites is the one who pays. I think that. I practice that. I didn't hesitate whenever I was on my, you know, a couple of first dates because you're also setting up an expectation.

of what you believe in. And if some ladies are a little bit more shy and a little bit more like, oh, this is so new to me. If you feel uncomfortable, you could just also offer to get dessert after and it's on you. Yeah. If that's like, if that works a little bit better. But what do you say to the woman who feels she owes something for that? I see a lot of women messaging me, but I feel like I owe him something.

That mindset to me is mind-boggling, but what do you say to that? So I would just say that might just be people-pleasing. or maybe not feeling enough, maybe feeling like you are not enough for that date, not enough for that dinner, not enough for that experience. So I would switch it and really just let them know like, hey, you, I don't know.

This is really when I'm completely biased because I'm a woman and I work with women. And so I feel like we're, like I said before, our energy is so contagious. and her energy really does affect him for better or for worse. So I would just say, like, he just stepped into your presence. Like, that alone is extremely hard for a guy. Believe me, you're doing him.

You're doing a lot more. Yeah, I say if you allow him, he invited you on the date. If I invited you on a business lunch, I would be paying the same application for business or anything. But he invited you on the date. I feel like you bulldozing him and being like, right, let me get this check right now. You're not allowing him the experience of treating you to something that he organized and planned. It's bizarre.

It's like, somebody gives you a birthday present and you're like, right, let me get half of that then. How much do I owe you? It kind of defeats the whole purpose of, you know, trying to do something nice for somebody. And it also sets you up for a 50-50 relationship. And as a traditional woman, what is your thoughts on going 50-50 in a relationship and in a marriage? So not for me. It works for some women. Personally, for me, I could never because I didn't grow up seeing that one.

Secondly, that's just if, for example, my husband and I were planning on having children. I'm obsessed with babies. I love children. Immediately, I know I'm not going to want to do other than hobbies, my passions. I'm just going to want to be with the babies. I'm going to want to be with my children. Naturally. So I know for sure for me,

I don't think I could commit to doing the 50-50 because that's a lot of pressure for me. But also, that's just not the lifestyle that I signed up for, personally. I don't know. And this is something controversial that I've said many, many times before. Bring it. Maybe it's toxic. maybe it's toxic i don't know but if my man can't afford me with just himself i get the ick i get the

again might be toxic i don't know but that's just a non-negotiable for me maybe you're just honest with your biology yeah maybe you're just honest with the fact that if you were to potentially have his children and if he can't cover the cost of two people how can he cover the costs of three or four. And one could say it's toxic, one could say it's just natural to sometimes feel that way. And people misconstrue that kind of opinion to mean that what you're saying is you want a luxurious lifestyle where he's going to provide for you. I often say to women, no, you need to be able to communicate that you're willing to live slightly lesser lifestyle just on his salary than an opulent lifestyle on two salaries. Because if you go and get a mortgage

together on a house and you buy it together and it relies on two of your jobs and then you have a child who needs you and you suddenly, I've had two babies. It's very, very hard to leave your child in care. And I know in America, you guys don't have paid leave and it just boggles the whole of Europe and Australia and everywhere's mine that that's what happens. It's crazy. But there is no way you'd make me leave my six-week-old child and make me go to a job to pay a mortgage with you. I'm going to end up hating you. That's what's going to end up happening. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I like that you put it that way. I never heard it being said that way, but I completely agree with you. And another thing is, I've seen the 50-50. I've seen it play in the long run. You said it perfectly.

The woman ends up hating the man. Yeah, always presenting. Yeah. And when he gets lazy, it's very hard to turn around. Do you get a lot of messages of women saying, what do I do? He's not initiating. He's not pursuing me. What do you do in that case? So she's done the 50-50. What do you do? How do you turn that ship around? So usually I say, I'll even talk about my own personal experience. Yeah. I'm so comfortable sharing these things because we need to have more of these discussions and more honesty so that other women can learn even from us.

So during my husband and I got married and we were 22. I was 22, he was 23. I'm 25 now. He's 26 now. So we're still very young. that being said we're still figuring out where we're going to be for the long run my husband was in the navy when i first met him i said i'm not i'm not moving around i know that you have a stable job you have a good uh command like i know you're good but for the long-term goal i want to have something

stable and i truly want a family with you he said okay let's find another job during this process of transition. Man, oh man. Nothing was guaranteed because he was getting another job to go to the academy, this academy, because now he's in law enforcement. And it was going to be a bump up of pay, benefits, pension, everything. And I said, this is a career for you. I know you're going to be successful. It's going to take us about a year, or so we thought, ended up taking a year and a half to get to where we are now. But during that phase, the reason why I bring that up was because that financial stability we no longer had.

We weren't counting on this transition to take so long the way that it did. There was a lot of factors that were out of our control. And during that time, he helped me set up the business that I now have. So I said, you know what? Why don't we do this? We'll do 30, 70. And at some point, it became 40, 60. and it could have been more

but because I understood the long-term game I said he needs to feel a little bit more and that's what he did he picked up two jobs during this like it was a six month period where we were kind of running around like what was the phrase like chickens without a head

were kind of crazy because we're like I don't know what to do whatever he's supposed to do and so he's like you know what I'll get two jobs and he would show up with the 70 and at some point 60 and that's what that's what we did during that time. It was temporary. It was the time was set.

And he felt it more than I did because I did not. I did not want him to get comfortable or complacent in that 50-50 because it could have gone that way. But again, because I'm playing the long-term game, I'm like, I'm not going to let it. And he also hated it, by the way. My husband absolutely hated the fact that I had to be giving the full. 40% during that time period because he felt like a failure essentially. And I'm like, I know that it's not your fault. We're both going through this transition.

We're doing it for the best, for the better of our lives together. And sure enough, as soon as he got this new job or like his career is set, back to how it was when we first met. And so I get to enjoy, I get to enjoy staying at the house and working on. continue to work on my business and he's doing this thing. But there was a time during this transition where it could have gone either way. And I think that every woman has the opportunity in her relationship to set the president or the standard, but we have to act out of wisdom. That's why I always say ladies act out of wisdom.

Play the long term game because if you play the short term game, you are going to always be in that mindset and in survival. I don't want that for the ladies who want to be in flow state, who want to live, you know, not in a constant survival is the best term, the best way that I can describe it. And, yeah, so that's what ended up happening. So what I would say to the women or to the ladies who are like, he's complacent. He is lazy. He needs to get another job. It's stop providing.

It's going to be scary. it's going to be scary. But if you tried all the other avenues, you've already stretched, you've gotten creative with everything else and it's not working, retract and stop giving and watch what happens. He's going to find solutions.

Because I personally think that men do grow from stress. That's when they shine. When they have to do something because I have to, they come up with some solutions that just, they just make it work. Correct. Have you heard the story? No, it's true.

It's true. Have you heard the story in World War II when at a mental hospital? Some people were catatonic from depression. That means they weren't able to walk or talk like they were signed off as just done at a mental hospital for men. And when London was being bombed and somebody needed to drive the fire engines to put out the fires, but all the soldiers were on the front line, these catatonic men who could not walk and were too depressed suddenly got up and started working because they had. a cause and a need to do it. Yeah. So men do meet the expectation if the stress is there and it needs to happen.

So that's a story from real life. If you're a woman in that situation and you're like doing 60, 40 and it's about uncomfortable and he's like leaning out more and more and more and he's reclining, what is, what do you say to turn that conversation around? So I usually, I'm not a person. I have a conversation once. After I have that one conversation, I'm done talking. and I'm doing.

So then I just, I just stopped. Like I, again, what I did in that moment because my husband was already in the process of getting this career and getting into the academy that he needed to

to pass to get the job that he now has, I had that. But if he wasn't working towards something, I would have never offered the 40-60, 30-70. Uh-uh. I did that because I knew that he was working towards something better to make our family better. And he needed my support at that time. And he was doing everything he could, everything he could to make sure that we didn't struggle.

He saved up to like six, I think six months. We really were not expecting for this transition period to last the way that it did. Life is life. It happens. And because I saw that he was at his breaking point, I was like, yeah, no, we're moving. we need to shift this around. But if it wasn't for him putting in his 110% effort, I would have not offered.

He needs to show me that he's putting his 110%. Or else they get very complacent. I've seen this happen so many times. They get complacent and lazy, and that's very dangerous. And as women, we feel we're very empathetic and we just want to help as soon as our partner is like feeling some sort of way or feels devastated.

or feels like there's no solution, but that's when we start mothering. And I also don't want that for, you know, for my ladies who are in this position. I don't want that for them. So that's the reason why I bent, I bend beneath for that because I saw he was doing everything he could

and life is life and that's okay. We're getting through it. What happens to a relationship when you start, when you start mothering him, when you go into that role of looking after him, making sure he's getting the job. I get a lot of messages he's lost his job. I'm trying to find him a job.

he doesn't want the job what happens what's the scenario where do we go with that so once he stops and once you stop mothering him he finds solutions he truly finds him because there's no other way there's no other option at least from what i personally experienced and from the women that i mentor as well you're like oh my gosh you're right i stopped and all of a sudden now he's doing the thing that he needs to do now he's finding the job that he needs to find because there's no other way whenever they get whenever they see that they can push our boundaries, I've realized, and I've seen, they grab a hold of that.

And I don't think that they do it on purpose of malice. I think it's in their nature sometimes to push boundaries because sometimes they have to for work. It's just a side effect sometimes, especially if they're like business owners or my husband, for example, he was in the military. They're testing the waters to see how far they can go. And if we don't have those boundaries or those standards

or, you know, just, what's the term that I'm looking for? Like a solid foundation where we can stand our ground, they can walk all over us. And next thing you know, we're being walked all over, we're dormats, and we didn't even realize that we became that. Because it's very subtle, very, very subtle. What is the single wife era that you were in? I saw all those, I loved that series.

What does that mean? So this was when my husband and I were doing long distance because he was going to his training for six months before he can have the title he has now for his job. So I was in my single wife era where we were living separately for the same goal. I was still married, but we were just doing long distance. And it was for a purpose. The purpose was to get together again, live together again, but he needed to go through this training away from me. and so then I had to live my life, how to continue. I wasn't stopping.

How to continue. I love that. I love that. What is your advice on the single girlfriend, single wife, basically long-distance relationships? What is your advice there? So I don't believe in long-distance relationships when your boyfriend and girlfriend.

There are exceptions to every rule. However, I believe that marriage protects us as women. So I would say, like, don't invest too much of your time when your boyfriend and girlfriend. I say, the phrase I say is you're single until you're not, you're single until you're married. And so I usually don't encourage those. However, it does work for some people, but it wouldn't be enough for me personally. So I don't have much to say on that front, but for wives who are doing long distance

or fiancés who are doing long distance, I would just say keep, the communication open, but don't fight through the phone. Like, wait until you can see them in person because it's not worth it. At least for me, I knew that my husband, when he was doing this training, like, he needed to pass all of his exams. Like, he could have failed one of his exams and he was back home and we start from nothing. So I didn't want to have fights through the phone. I wanted him that whenever he called me, it was a good time.

you got to hear my voice, I got to hear him, and that I was, you know, essentially like his peace in the midst of all that chaos that he was in. It was undergoing. So what I would say is just stay strong. You're doing it for a reason, for a purpose, and that it's temporary. And that's really what kept us aligned with each other because during the six, these six months, I think I only saw him about two or three times. Wow. In person. The rest was just via phone. you made a series about the mistakes you made in your marriage could you share them with us and we'll talk through them absolutely so one of the mistakes that i made um in the first year of me being married was i think the following the first one that comes up is following the sprinkle

sprinkle lady i love her i think she's funny she's hilarious she's funny yeah she's hilarious however I do like also the fact that she said that she's a financial advisor not a relationship guru or a relationship coach because I think those are one of the few examples of luxury and of materialism above anything else she says a lot of truths she has a lot of videos and like yep she's around that one yep she's around that one but if you want to build a relationship out of trust, loyalty, love, abundance. We have to be very selective on the advice that we decide to choose from her advice.

And that's something that I didn't do because I was very, very much into the social media space at that time. And then that's when I was able to be flexible within my own marriage. I'm like, oh, wait, this is keeping me from receiving all the abundance and from realizing how blessed I am, how blessed our marriages, how blessed my life is, let it go.

So that was one of the mistakes that I made. A second one was, it's going to sound, it's going to sound like a lot. But I, the first year or the first couple of months on my husband and I were dating, there was a lot, a lot of boundaries that I had set in order for my husband and I to continue like into marriage. For example, the military job. I said, I'm not doing that. I love that for you.

I love the fact that you're so confident where you are. I love the fact that it's made you the man that you are. But realistically, long term, I cannot do that. And he changed his career for me. He ended up buying me a car. And he ended up trading it in for his car, the car of his dreams. he ended up making so many changes for me. And little did I,

and then I turned back and I said, I've changed him. I've changed everything about him. Of course he's going to dislike me or hate me because there was a point before, you know, through this transition where we were doing the 46th. That was a rough era for us.

Because not only did this man leave his stability for me, but now he was getting another job that wasn't even guaranteed and we were in this position and in a way I could so see him like he never blamed me my sweet husband I feel so bad he never blamed me for anything he never said it he never said it or anything but he did act like we're in this position because of you never said that those words never came out of his mouth but he was acting in that way yeah during that it was like a short two-month period and that was a mistake that I made. I changed his entire identity.

So whenever this space that we had, these six months, it was good for the both of us because we got to reconnect with ourselves. And I got to really reflect on the issues and on the things that were wrong, that were not okay, that I wasn't going to do or repeat again come around whenever we moved, whenever we moved back together. And so I had a conversation with him

when we moved back together. and had her house and I told them that woman, that wife that you had, she's gone. She's upgraded and updated. And I apologize because I didn't realize that I did that to this man that I love, that I fell in love with for the things that he, the way that he was. And so, yeah. Did you sense him pull away at that point or not? Absolutely.

He pulled away. Yeah, he pulled away. definitely pulled away. And what brought us back together was a fact that he was going to be leaving for six months. But prior to that, we were pretty, like, distant. We still loved each other. And obviously, there was respect, there was loyalty, there was everything. But it wasn't ideal. And I don't ever want to go back to that resentment. Because you built up resentment. Yeah, but it's something you went through and you build on that. What do you recommend to women who feel their partner pulling away? they feel that energy like says something wrong he's not replying to her the same way now let's go from

the spectrum of like you know he's just busy to actually you've done something to cause it what do we do when he's pulling away and not pursuing so usually whenever he pulls away it's because you're kind of like choking him you're kind of just all over him and you're being very clingy that's the only reason why i think men a man would ever pull away or in my case where i like change his entire identity almost. But so usually it's because we're being a little bit too much with them. They need space. So when they pull away, I always say, I think you even mentioned it in one of your

recent videos. It's like, go do something for yourself. Go do something for yourself. You say, get hot. I say like, I didn't say those words, but I said like, go shopping, go to the gym, go get your nails done, go read a book, like go do something for yourself. because then he men always come back. He will come toward you and be like,

hey, how come you not giving me the same love that you were like last week? And they just come back. And it's a beautiful thing. I love it that they respond to whenever we are kind of doing our own thing because it's good for the both of us. It's good for us to keep up with ourselves. It's good for us to have hobbies. It's good for us to have our own identity.

And it's good for him to keep pursuing. And it's okay if it happens because it's, it's a relationship. I feel like it's okay if he pulls away. It's a wake-up call for us. It's a wake-up call for us and be like, okay, wait, let me, let me change this up a little bit. And then we do what we need to do. And then he comes back.

So what I would say is go do something for yourself. It's so interesting. There's another spectrum that I'm learning about to, there's the mothering energy where he wants to run away from being engulfed by you literally because you're like, have you taken your vitamins? Have you gone to the bathroom? And he's like, Christ, get off me. because he doesn't even find you attractive anymore because you're his mom.

But there's also the little girl spectrum and that is you go completely into your childhood. You're completely anxious. You're like, why don't you love me anymore? You don't spend time with me. A lot of women do that one. And then they wonder why he's not pursuing her sexually especially. They're like, oh, he doesn't want me anymore. Who wants their daughter?

Who wants their little, you know, daughter that's always like, you don't love me? Why don't you spend time with me? That's not attractive. That's not sexy. That's not womanly, you know? So women need to understand. that if you lean too much into that spectrum or into the other one, you're going to push them away and they pull away in order almost to preserve the relationship

because it's too much. No, that's awesome. Yeah, I completely agree. And I have seen that in some cases as well. That is very, very true. That's awesome to know. Good to know. What do you say about your girlfriend, you want to be a wife?

How do you? And you're five years in, I see that. so much. Like, what are we doing here? What's the problem? How do we traverse the girlfriend to wife? Okay, this is such a good topic. We don't have boundaries. I made a video saying the difference between the woman who gets married within, like, who gets the ring within like four to six months versus a woman who gets nothing, no commitment, no actual real commitment. After being five years in, it's just boundaries. And I say, I hate to be the one to tell you, but I was, you know, I was one of that statistic that got proposed to very quickly.

And that's because I was not giving access to a lot of different things that said, oh, no, no, no, that is a husband privilege. That is a wife privilege. I'm not doing that. And I want to experience these things with the person that I am potentially going to be spending for the rest of my life. I don't want to do that for a season, an era of my life. No, I want to do this with the person that is going to be here.

with me forever because that's what I signed up for whenever you know you sign the the papers and you say your vowels that's what I want and so that's the difference between the woman who gets the commitment and the woman who doesn't it's boundaries and understanding our worth and knowing what it is that we want because sometimes you meet the love of your life in high school in college and like you have no idea who you are you're still figuring out you're still figuring out all these things. And I say this because my, actually my brother ended up meeting the love of his life in middle school.

Like he knew that she was the one and she knew that he was the one forever. And they got married as soon as my husband and I kind of got married. So in those instances, I know that it can be a little tricky, but it's always reestablishing boundaries. Because why is he going to put in the extra effort if you're giving him everything, without commitment. He doesn't need to try.

Why would she? What is a wife privilege? A wife privilege? Okay, so again, very traditional woman here. I never did sleepovers. So this was my boundaries. Okay, I'm going to outline my boundaries for the ladies here. I didn't do sleepovers.

Again, mind you, I was living with my parents when I first met my husband. I was very young. So I didn't do sleepovers. I had a curfew. and sleepovers curfew and it would avoid going to his place at all costs whenever we were dating or like boyfriend-girlfriend because again that's a wife privilege

you want me to make breakfast you want me to cook you want me to I don't know Netflix and chill that's not happening one with a boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm not sleeping over even if we go out and it's like 1 a.m. Like my curfews at midnight, like Cinderella, I guess you could say. Cinderella Princess curfew, that's my curfew.

That's when I need to be home. That's when I need to be dropped off. Oh, you want more time with me? Plan another date. Plan another date. Try, pursue. Oh, you want more. Okay, then that's going to cost you.

Like, that's just going to cost you. But again, not every, this is not for everybody. This is just something my own personal boundaries, because I am someone who gets attached very quickly. I love and I love hard and I get attached very quickly. So I'm not doing this to make his life miserable. I'm doing this to protect myself. I'm not doing this to prove to anybody that I can do this.

No, I'm doing it to protect my heart and my essence because that's very important to me. I love that. That is so pivotal, the change in that because people call it playing games, but it's not. Women do get attached so easily. and they end up taking on so much for the guy who's not even truly interested.

I think you've been so transparent and the thing that I really want to bring home is you have a series that was very controversial. The lover to kept wife. Oh my God, that was popping off. What was that about? What happened there? What happened?

Oh, goodness. Tea. This is frozen, this is not even hot tea anymore. It's frozen, slushy ice tea. Like this is how old the T.S. This happened 20 years ago. So I talked about my upbringing. I talked about how my mother and my father met.

Yeah. Why did everyone react like that? They didn't listen to this. First of all, people get triggered very easily. We're content creators. We know that the title is everything. I wanted to keep people hooked.

I wanted them to be like, what is this lady talking about? She was the one who waited until marriage. She is the one who's always talking about wife things and all these, you know, righteous things what is she talking about so hook is everything people would not and I saw this on TikTok people would not listen past like the first 15 seconds on my video that's right passed after me saying wife to lover lover to wife like whatever I can't remember yeah yeah yeah um and people just

went crazy people went crazy and so the story was how my parents met and how what I wanted to convey and those who understood it got it um what i wanted to let people know was that you can come from nothing your story can be ruins you could come from absolutely nothing but you could still end up working in the relationship or in your marriage to turn it into something blended families do work if you're if you understand the role of a husband and a wife if you know what it is that you want and if the goals uh aligned with one another because that's the that's just how I came up and so to give you all a snippet of what it was my mother actually met my father my adopted father when he was still married but the thing that a lot of people forget and miss

is that this was like early 2000s early 2000s culture very different from today's culture like I feel like in early 2000s it's like we're married but we're like not together like we're not legally separated, right? And so to understand this story even more, you also need to understand the players of the game. So my mother grew up also in a very, you know, same thing. We're married, but we're not together. Her biological father was an abusive, alcoholic man towards my, you know, my grandmother.

And they, my grandmother couldn't get the divorce without either getting beaten or without getting sent to jail. So my mom thought, mind you, this was in my heat. This was in Mexico, not the States. So my mom thought, oh, okay, so this is normal because this man is coming up to me and he wants to date me, but he's married, but he's not together with this woman. Yeah. I saw that growing up. I understand that.

Okay, maybe safety concerns, whatever. Didn't think much, much of it. And had, you know, she was a single mom and then she ended up getting with my dad. But then turns out later on in the story, you get to see that, oh, hey, it's. he's actually still together with this woman. He's not emotionally invested, but he's still together with this woman. So there's a point in the story where, you know, my father has to make the decision to either go back to his first,

to his family or continue his life with my mom. Because now my mom was pregnant with my little sister. And so my dad, you know, he tried, he tried again with his first family. Three months later, he's like, no, it's already, it's been done for years. I just wanted to, I just don't want to. I just don't want to be a, I wanted to be a present father figure for my daughter, but it's just not going to work. It's not it.

So they ended up getting split and he ended up marrying my mom years later. They didn't get married right away. Years later, they ended up getting married. And then we made the family work. My step-sister would still come over. My dad would still provide for his first family. And they ended up making the relationship work. And my mom then became, you know, the wife.

and they're still together. They've been together for 25, 20 years. I don't know how long been together. They've been together for a really long time. But it just goes to show of all the exceptions that I saw growing up, a cheater is not always a cheater. My dad has been loyal to my mom after that. It just wasn't the right woman for him.

And that's okay. They got married when they were 18, divorce when they were 25, like with that first relationship, like makes sense. Right? But a lot of people took that story out of context. I thought I was promoting being a mistress, but I was not. My mom got placed into that position of being a mistress without wanting to be. Because in her head, she's like, well, he's already, he's already done with her.

But, you know, my father forgot to disclose the entire story. And so it became this huge story and this huge chaos on TikTok where I was canceled. And I think I'm still being canceled, I think, because I try to keep posting things on there. It's just like not it for people. But the moral of the story was to say like if you found your person, like you can find your person in different circumstances. But if he wants to make it work and if he loves you, he's going to move mountains for you. And that's exactly what my dad did.

He still is in love and obsessed with my mother. And I love that. And that's what I grew up seeing. That was very normal for me to see a man just fall at a woman's feet. So and to just like like my dad loves my mom so much. like I love their relationship that they have. Yeah. We always kid and we always mess around.

We say, my mom could live without my dad. But my dad could not leave without my mom. No. We all know that. And it's truly, it's truly a blessing. So that's kind of the, the, the interesting thing about it is people want to know real life stories and they want to relate. And I get DMs and I'm sure you do too.

And there are so many women who are like, this is the situation. I wasn't aware. A lot of times, like in your mom's situation, a woman isn't aware of his exact situation. You can't get into his life and know exactly what's happening. And it's unfair to blame the woman in that scenario. And then when you're brave enough to come forward with a story like that, that people can relate to,

they're upset about it. So I just want to commend you for having an honest storyline and finding like almost a silver lining in it. And if anything, what qualities do you think your mom possessed to make it work? Oof, my mom. She doesn't take anything personally. she's like I'm not here to take things personally I'm here to live the best life for my for myself but for my children especially so whenever my mom uh whenever they decided to make to make the marriage work she thought about the family unit as a whole but also for her like for herself um and what is something about my mom I mean we say it all the time like I just mentioned it right now my dad can't live without my mom but my mom can live without my dad and that's because my mom keeps her identity

Like, she's not slowing down for my dad. And she just keeps my dad pursuing. I've seen this. Like, it's amazing. It's awesome. And they have such a good time together. And one thing that my mom kept alive through their marriage was dating, like, continuously dating each other. And it's, I call it having the girlfriend effect while being the wife.

My mom has that. She has the girlfriend effect, even though she's a wife. And when I say that, I mean, like, she's doing the getting dressed up. She's getting her nails done. She's going to the gym. She has her friend. She's going out with her friends. She has a whole life.

Like, my mom, she's traveling. She's going to Disney. She's going to Vegas. She's doing all these things. And it's amazing and it's awesome to see this relationship because they trust each other so much that my dad's totally fine with it. Mind you, my mom is a stay-at-home wife now. She was a stay-at-home mom. but now she's a stay-at-home wife

and she continued this attitude through the years where my dad just kept pursuing. So it's not even the fact that she had an occupation to kind of like run to and she was busy and she was like that boss babe, no. She just understood the assignment and she understood her inherent value as a woman. It's amazing. It's truly awesome to see that.

I love that. What are you working on at the moment and where can people find you? People can find me at Carla Eli. So that's K-A-R-L-A-E-L-I-A-A-A-A on both TikTok, Instagram, and on YouTube. And right now I'm working on getting some 20 special ladies to get on the dating apps for the holidays. It's going to be called Tis the Season to Be Dating. But go ahead and reach me.

You can also reach me at Carlaelai.com to check out any mentorship or do you just want to connect with me. Everything's on there. I love that. Thank you so much for coming on. You are amazing. So thank you. No, thank you for having me. I love this conversation.