Being there for your kids - All Families Experience Loss

Episode Date: September 2, 2023

How does your family handle the loss of a loved one. It's going to happen. How does it affect you and your children? In this podcast I ask the question, "Is Dying Painful?" I then outline the stages of grieving and things you and your family can do to cope with the loss, experience the grieving, and continue moving on.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. I have a serious matter to talk with you about today. Here's a question you don't hear very often. Is dying painful? When my elderly father died at age 74, I was 27. I still miss him daily. Shortly after his death, in a quiet, grieving moment, I wrote him a poem or letter, and I titled it, Is Dying Painful? I followed, not for you. For you, it was merely passing through a door. to a heavenly glory. But what about me? The moment of passing, I believe, is not painful, regardless of how much and how long the process of dying takes. After the arduous path taken, the doubt, the confusion, the pain, I imagine dying is pretty much a relief for those passing. But what about those of us who knew the loved one? How do we cope? What do we say or do to ease

hours and others' pain? It hurts to lose someone we saw daily, interacted with, came to love and respect, laughed with, planned with, had a life with. Researchers on death and dying have confirmed at least five stages to the grieving process. First, with the loss, whether a surprise or expected, we are in shock and denial. People say, oh no, that can't be right. There must be a mistake. Already, I thought he had longer. No, no, no, no, no. Trying to rationalize, justify, come to terms with make sense of all occur in the shock and denial stage of grieving. Second, after coming to terms with the shock and recognizing that denial can't continue, grieving people get angry at the loss, at the person who died, at themselves.

They try to write a different ending. They go through a litany of whata-cota-shutas. Primarily, they are frustrated because something happened that they didn't want to happen and they can't do anything to change it. They also play the blame game of if, oh. only. They may lash out at loved ones who share their grief. They push others away. Third, when grievers are exhausted from unfulfilled anger, they start to bargain. During this stage, effort is made to soften the blow of the loss. In the dying process of a loved

one, others frequently try to make deals to avoid and to prolong the inevitability. God, just keep him alive and I'll go to church every time the door is open. Just let him live long enough to attend my wedding. Take me, Lord, instead of him. The bargaining stage is our effort to find a way to make sense out of our loss. Fourth, when our efforts fail to prolong the life, our normal relationships and interactions, we naturally fall into a depressive stage of grieving. We recognize our new normal that is occurring without our loved one. We acknowledge our own mortality and imagine what it would be like when we die. We wonder about, and even for strong belief, believers, we doubt the existence of an afterlife. This is not a clinical depression. Rather, it's a

naturally occurring stage of the grieving process, filled with genuine sadness. We may become silent, refuse visitors, and spend much of our time being mournful and sullen. Finally, the fifth stage of grieving involves acceptance of the loss. Some just wake up one day and decide to go on with their lives. Life continues for me. I'll miss him, but it's going to be okay. Some folks feel guilty about days without thinking about the lost loved one. Laughing and smiling in the moment somehow feels disrespectful for a while. Others find a way to honor the loved one whom they lost. Some tangible memorial serves both as a reminder of the loss and also as a tribute to the life well lived. These stages are inescapable. They are how we ultimately get through a loss and move on with their lives.

In particular, what can you do to stay on track and get through the process? First, recognize that it is a process. There is no timetable of normality. Allow yourself to grieve for as long as you need to grieve. Second, get it all out. Feel the full extent of your feelings. Write them in a journal or talk them out with a confidant or a therapist. Don't hold back the tears. Let yourself cry whenever the sadness and grief come. Share the good, the bad, and the ugly. A good listener will not take your feelings personally, nor think any less of you for having them. Third, honor the loved one who died specifically. Put a memorial bench in a park or somewhere else that is public where it will get use. Plant a new tree or a perennial bush in your yard where you go by it every day. It will become a living memorial to the loved one. Honor the life of your lost loved one by living your best life. Finally, get back involved. Go out with friends. Find interactive hobbies.

Try to enjoy being with others. It might not feel right at first. first, but act as if it feels right, and do it even though you don't feel like it. Here's hoping that my thoughts and recommendations ring true for you. If not now, then later. Everyone loses loved ones. How we get through the stages and come to acceptance and move on with our lives makes a difference for you and for those around you. Blessings, Dr. John.

If these comments stir questions of your own, contact me through my website at www. www. Thereformykid.com or email me at John Robinson 0.0 at Bellsouth.net. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC, P-I-NC. com.