Being there for your kids - Are You About Power? Or Relationship?

Episode Date: December 21, 2018

All children are defiant at times. It's their way of exploring their environment and developing their identity. How we respond to their defiance will set the tone of what kind of person your child will become. If you focus on their defiance and your upset, you are power-oriented. You miss a critical teachable moment. If you are relationship-oriented, you will draw closer together, as well as maintain your authority. After settling down with active listening, draw your child out with this critical question, "Honey, this isn't like you. What else is going on here?" If they don't respond to this essay question, make it a multiple choice question. You know your child well enough to figure out several possibilities of what might be going on. Once the air is cleared return to discussion about a reasonable consequence for their defiant behavior.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Tell me something. Is your child at times defiant? If your answer to this question is no, forgive me, but you are either lying, clueless or gullible. All children lie. Some just better than others. The question is, what do we do about it as parents? Four-year-old Mandy slips unnoticed into the family living room as her mom is in the kitchen finishing up from supper. mom pauses in her work and just listens. She hears nothing. Mandy, sweetheart, what are you doing? She calls out. After a longer than expected silence, Mandy responds, nothing. Mom puts up her drying towel and goes to find her daughter. In the living room, Mandy was attracted to the shiny glass figurine of a ballerina that had been up on a way too high for her shelf in the bookcase. She had slid a plastic playchair over to the bookcase and was reaching for the figurine when her mom around. of the corner to the living room. Mandy! The little girl froze at the sharp call of her name,

losing her grip on the figurine. It fell to the floor, crashing into little pieces. Mandy teetered standing on the chair. Mom rushed to catch her, saving her from spilling to the ground as well. Oh, baby, it's okay, I've got you, soothed her mom, assuring that her preschooler was all right.

Mandy sat in her mom's arms and began to whimper. Mom rocked her gently until Mandy calmed down. With crisis averted, mom is at a choice point. Is this about power or relationship? Is this about mom's authority or Mandy's choices? If mom goes the power route, she scolds her daughter and punishes her. What were you thinking, young lady?

Mom begins to pick up the pieces of the figurine. Your grandmother gave this to me after I won a dance contest as a teen. Now look at what you've done. Mom vents at her daughter's expense. Mandy cries softly but pulls away from her mama, feeling distant and guilty. If mom goes the relationship and choices route, she calms her daughter, and they carefully pick up the pieces of the figurine together. As they do so, mom asks, honey, I'm glad you're okay, but what were you thinking? This isn't like you.

What else is going on? Mom's observations and questions open the door to understanding Mandy's feelings through active listening. When settled, mom can address Mandy's poor choice, set healthy boundaries, and give her a brief consequence to help her make better choices in the future. A crisis averted becomes a teachable moment. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author, and this has been. Teachable Moments, building blocks of Christian parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.