Being there for your kids - Asking Your Child's Permission

Episode Date: August 6, 2019

Your kids have lots of things on their minds. You have wisdom for them. However, if you just drop it on them, you are likely to miss your mark. Look for entry points, where your words will have meaning. Where you see a wrinkled brow, a sigh of frustration, other signs of emotional fever, start by active listening. Now you are on the same page. When you believe he is ready to hear your wisdom, ask permission, such as, "I have some thoughts about what's going on with you. Do you want to hear them? Likely, you will get permission to share. If you don't, then follow with "Okay, then. Let me know when you'd like my help." This leaves the door open and your child receptive to your wise counsel. Asking permission always strengthens relationship.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Let's talk about the value of asking permission. Remember that old adage that says it's easier to get forgiveness that it is to get permission? Well, in your quest for effective parenting, throw that adage out the window. Forgiveness promotes power while permission promotes relationship. Forgiveness smooths over problems while permission avoids them. In such a situation as a healthy, effective parent, choose permission. Jim was walking past his daughter Emily's door to her bedroom and saw her light on.

Hey, sweetheart, up kind of late, aren't you? The 18-year-old nodded and stretched at her desk. Just working on my personal statement for college applications. It's kicking my butt, she grumbled. Hard to figure out what to say and how to say it so that you get your best bang for the buck, huh? Jim commented using his best active listening skills. I can look at what you've got so far and give you feedback if you'd like. What do you think? Emily glanced back at her computer screen inside. Yeah, sure, why not? Jim left his perch in the doorway and came over to her desk, took over her shoulder at her draft. Jim could have come into his daughter's room, after all, it is in his house, blustered some comment about her needing to get to bed, and sat down at her computer to critique and finish her draft personal statement. He has every right to do this as her parent, but at what cost to Emily and to their relationship. She might have protested. it. Dad might have apologized seeking her forgiveness, but the damage would have already been done. Even if Jim had crafted the world's best personal statement for his daughter, it would have been his words, not hers, and a teachable moment would have been lost. Instead, Jim used his active listening to help lower the emotional fever his daughter conveyed by her words about the task kicking her butt.

When he felt she was calmer, and in a better place to make good decisions, he asked permission to help her. This request became a context for a boost to their relationship and a collaborative effort, with Emily taking the lead and dad helping out. After helping Emily out of her funk, he has more confidence that she will benefit from his wise counsel, the heart of a teachable moment. Even though this example is with a teen, the skill of asking permission of your child to help or direct them is universal. How many four-year-olds here a grown-up give them the respect of asking their permission? How cool is that? emotional intimacy, relationship, and bonding are the result. This is the value of asking permission. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of the book

Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at Amazonbooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC, P-I-N-C, com.