Being there for your kids - Balance Talking & Listening

Episode Date: June 7, 2019

When things are going well, make lots of conversation with your children. Direct, instruct, or just check in with them. When you notice signs of emotional fever, use your active listening to help your child calm down and get perspective. When her fever seems to have subsided, ask permission before offering your own thoughts and perspective. Healthy parenting is the are of balancing talking and listening to bring the best our of your child.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Tell me, are you doing more talking or listening with your children? As parents, we are prone to do more talking than listening. Now, there's a time for both talking and listening. The key is to be timely and to focus on what your child needs in the moment. Little Chip is having trouble tying his shoes. He's trying to be a big boy, but he's not getting it. If mom jumps in there and starts with here, let me get that for you. The shoes will be tied, but a teachable moment will be lost. First, notice Chip's emotional fever rising. Does his face carry a frown? Is he throwing his shoes aside?

Is he looking at you and about to burst into tears? All signs of his emotional fever rising. Your response? Active listening. Wow, buddy, you seem frustrated. Can I help? This simple comment on your part starts the process of Chip's fever going down. By asking for help, you can get permission to show him how to tie his shoes,

guide him through doing it himself or do it yourself, with running commentary to your son. If Chip simply asks for your help with no signs of a rising emotional fever, then you can direct him or instruct him in the process. Direction and instruction are two of three healthy forms of communication parents give children who are simply learning. The other, checking in, is a short, touching-based talk, such as, hey, buddy, how's that shoelace-tying thing going for you?

With these forms of communication, the goal is to help out as the parent and to not take the task over. When active listening, if you err on the side of talking too much, you're probably turning a teachable moment into an unwanted lecture. People can usually identify feelings in five words or less. Give your child time to absorb. Give your child time to absorb and respond. When touching base, directing, or instructing, where there is no apparent problem for your child, remember that most children's attention spans are about 30 to 60 seconds.

If your child's attention wanders, you've lost a teachable moment anyway. either engage his curiosity about the topic or let it go and come back to it later. The time for talking is when there is no emotional fever and when you've captured your child's attention. The time for listening is when your child is hurting. Listening heals the hurt far more than talking. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author, and this has been Teachable Meals. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores.

More on Dr. Robinson at TMCP-I-N-C.com.