Being there for your kids - Being Alone in Your Family

Episode Date: September 16, 2019

     Being alone is a funny thing. Sometimes it's good, renewing, and delightful. Other times it's alienating, foreboding, and unwanted. As parents, we want to understand and allow for all of the moods that our children may experience. He's been in his room by himself a long time now. Does he just want to be alone? Is he lonely? Is something going on? Rather than guess or hope he is okay, check it out. Seek him out and assess his mood in conversation. If he shows signs of an emotional fever, use your active listening to help him calm down. Encourage his participation in family time. Respect his privacy, while also reminding him that he is a part of family. His mood could be a symptom of other issues, such as anxiety, depression, or stress. Use joint problem-solving to help him find tools to address his concerns/issues. This is great parenting that generates teachable moments.

I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Let's talk about being alone in a family. The term family, by definition, indicates a group of people who are special to each other, make time for each other, and support each other. In a traditional nuclear family, there is an adult couple, mom and dad, and their children, who are siblings to each other. Typically, the adults have authority and are responsible for the care of the family. Such families live together and interact with each other daily,

with direction from the adults, helping out, engaging in all kinds of interaction. Beyond the traditional family, there are blended families and there is extended family, lots of combinations with the common factor of blood relations and related by marriage. In our emerging culture, there are also groups of people who bond together by circumstance and preference and function as a family unit. Typically, these groups are not blood-related and often are similar in age with a common bond of identity. Whether traditional or even, emerging, it seems unlikely or even impossible to be alone in a family. But is it? Lucas Thomas Johnson! Mom shouted up the stairs at noon. Luke knew from experience that he was in trouble

when his mom called her a 15-year-old boy by his full name. Do you know what time it is? You've slept the whole morning away. Come on, boy. Get up and get moving. Luke grumbled and rolled over in bed. Never a morning person. Now that it was summer and school was out, he reveled in staying up late and sleeping late. Mom climbed the stairs, strode to her son's bedroom door, and wrapped on it urgently. Ma, it's too early, her son bemoaned. Leave me alone. If Luke believes that he has nothing to get up for, mom has a tough cell to get him up just to keep her company or just because she says so. People, usually teens, are alone in a family, either because they want to be, don't want to face the world, or because they are allowed to be. Such a loneliness can, however, be. Such a loneliness can, however,

a mood or a symptom. In my book, Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, I encourage folks to consider their child's behavior to be a result of a mood if it lingers less than six weeks. More than six weeks, it might be a symptom. Choosing to be alone in your family can be a symptom of stress, anxiety, or depression. When a child has completed a huge task, such as a major chore or an assigned school task, paper, or test, he may just want to chill out for a while. That's okay. When you see this happening, be curious. Use check-in communication to touch base. Hey, bud, everything okay? If your curiosity is satisfied, give him a reasonable time frame to rejoin the family. If your check-in leads to substantive concern, use your active listening to

draw your child out. When his emotional fever subsides, ask permission to share some thoughts with him. It's then you can help him manage his stress without holding up. With depression, activity is an antidote. Help him choose things to do with the family or with his friends. When he says he doesn't feel like participating, encourage his using what I call the as-if principle. That is, when you don't feel like doing something that in your heart you know is helpful for you to do, then act as if you feel like doing it. After you've started the activity, it becomes self-reinforcing, and you end up doing it to your benefit. With anxiety, help him see what is beyond his control and that over which he has control. Help him find strategies to exercise that control. Being alone happens, but in your family, use your bonds to help your

child feel supported, loved, and not alone. I'm Dr. John Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC, P-I-N. nc.com.