Being there for your kids - Changing Habits from Bad to Good

Episode Date: August 22, 2019

All kids make bad choices, some worse than others. What they do with those choices is the real key. In Genesis 50:20, Joseph told his brothers that what Satan intended for evil, God can turn to good. When your child messes up, use active listening, comforting, consequences, and available resources to help him turn his bad to good. We are drawn to the familiar, even if it is unhealthy for us. The trick is moving from unhealthy to healthy and staying there long enough for it to become familiar to us. This is a journey that you can take with your child, to help him the person you (and God) want him to be.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Let's talk about changing habits from bad to good. You know what? Stuff happens, and not all of it is good stuff. But no matter what the stuff is, changing it from bad to good always takes a certain path. Understanding the path and taking specific steps along it to reach your goal is the way to change habits from bad to good. Chad is a sullen, moody, withdrawn, 16-year-old. He keeps his grades okay in school, but he doesn't have a lot of friends that his folks know of.

He mostly gets his own meals and eats in his room. When his folks invite him for dinner, he gives a curt reply, Leave me alone. His two younger siblings have just written him off, figuring he's just being Chad. His folks mostly abide by his wishes and leave him alone. One evening, the police knock on their door asking to talk to Chad. He and his folks go into the living room where the officers inquire of Chad's whereabouts last Friday night. After getting lame excuses, the officers showed Chad and his folks video footage of a shoplifting event that night at the mall.

The offender is clearly Chad. As a first offender and a juvenile, Chad is processed, tried, and given a suspended sentence with first offender status after restitution. After a year of good behavior and substantive change, Chad's conviction is expunged just in time for him to go off to college. How did Chad make it from this bad choice and circumstance to a good outcome? The path on this journey has four steps. First, all change begins from a position of unconscious ignorance. That is, you don't know that your behavior is problematic, and you don't know that you don't know.

Life just goes on. Second, there is a precipitating event that creates drama and trauma. Your world is shaken. For Chad, his proverbial, oh crap moment, came when he was arrested for shoplifting. This moves you from unconscious ignorance to conscious ignorance. That is, you know that there's a problem, but you don't know how to get past it. The second step is where you start to want to change your behavior.

During this step, you find resources, a positive network, and you make effort to change. Knowing the problem and wanting to change moves you from conscious ignorance to conscious awareness, the third step on your healing journey. People take a lot of time to embrace the change process because change is hard. As humans, we are drawn to the familiar, even if the familiar is unhealthy. It takes time to go from the familiar unhealthy to the unfamiliar healthy and stay there long enough for healthy to become familiar. Chad's folks were a big part of his healing process because they saw the shoplifting as a symptom, not as a problem. They used active listening, comforting, and guidance to help Chad come to their perspective.

They did not judge, criticize, or put him down. They even helped Chad find a therapist and joined him in the therapy process, loving him through all of his ups and downs. By the time Chad went back to court a year later with an excellent report from his probation officer, his parents, and his therapist, he had moved to the final step of the change process. His conscious awareness had become an unconscious awareness. That is, his changes had become new habits that felt familiar to him and which he embraced. He wanted to spend time with his family. They routinely ate together. His grades went up and he found new friends who were kindred spirit.

He was more open with his feelings and more responsible with his behavior. He didn't have to think about being good anymore. He just was good. These four steps on the healing journey are universal. Active listening, emotional intimacy, and relationship are the means you can provide when someone you love needs to trade in bad habits for good. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist. and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been

Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.