Being there for your kids - Confronting---The Hard Part of Parenting

Episode Date: November 16, 2018

No parent likes to confront their child. No child likes to be confronted. And yet, in healthy relationships, confrontation needs to happen. It's when your child needs correction, admonition, and a reminder to share the load. Effective confronting happens with love and respect. Yelling will get you compliance, but not love and respect. Avoiding confrontation begs the question, "Who's in Charge?" When you confront, prepare for blowback. Use active listening to lower your child's fuss level and then return to the confrontation. Be sure to praise your child when she follows through with your direction. Effective confrontation can nurture love and respect, while also providing a teachable moment.

This is Teachable Moments with Dr. John Robinson. I want to talk with you about confronting, the hard part of parenting. You know, it's easy to parent when everything is going well. Those times can become teachable moments. Here, son, let me throw you a few pitches. Let's see if we can get that swing level. You want to teach, he wants to learn. Easy parenting. But what about the hard part of parenting when confronting your child about his behavior or attitude adjustment? That's hard, no matter how you size it up. I am your father. do what I tell you, or the old standby, because I said so. You might get compliance, but at what cost? His behavior might change, for the moment, but that change will be out of fear, and when the

heat is off, he goes back to old habits. There's an art to effective confronting. Confrontation can be a very teachable moment, when it is carried out with respect and in service to the relationship. Imagine that you've asked your son to clean up his room repeatedly over several days to no avail. You could bring the hammer down and give him consequences. I've known parents who simply picked up all the items left on the floor and thrown them away. Toys, clothes, papers, electronics, all of it.

Pretty ineffective confrontation. The floor is cleaned off, but the soul is shattered and the relationship is filled with fear and anger. No respect, no relationship. An effective confrontation has three parts. An observable behavior, your feelings about that behavior, and the tangible and concrete effect of that behavior on you. Luke, when I've asked you repeatedly, to clean the floor up in your room and put everything where it belongs and you blow it off,

I feel ignored and disrespected. I fear bugs and other critters could come under that mess, and that would present a health hazard to all of us. Part of our being a family is everybody sharing the load. This is your load. Once you've laid the confrontation out as clearly as you can, be prepared for blowback. No one ever likes to be confronted. There will be defensiveness. Use your active listening skills, empathy, to address your child's defense.

When you see his emotional fever lowering, becoming less defensive, then resume with another version of your confrontation. Confront, empathy, confront. We'll put your child in the best position to comply with your expectations with respect and relationship intact. This has been Dr. John Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com

and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMCP-I-N-C.com.