Being there for your kids - Connecting Hubby, Effective Consequences

Episode Date: June 12, 2021

In this first letter, the writer is having frustration carrying all of the parenting load. I give her steps to help hubby get on board and help out more. In the second letter, mom wonders why her punishment of her child seems to do no good on his behavior. Help your child make good choices, rather than use his power with siblings. Trade in "punishment" for "natural consequences."

I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. I have a few more letters for you today. Here's the first one. Dear Dr. Robinson, Al is a great guy and a great provider and a great husband. Our resources are such that I get to stay home with the kids. I love it all. However, sometimes I feel drained and taken advantage of.

I mean, that seems so selfish since my husband works so hard, nine to five, five days a week. I've already put on a long day's work when he gets home, and he just kisses me, says hi to the kids, and sacks out on the couch, waiting for dinner. I'm wrangling my two boys trying to finish supper, helping them with their homework, and then putting them to bed. All the while, Al is yelling at the TV because he doesn't like the news that's on. On weekends, he plays golf because he needs to clear his head. Clearly, I'm the primary caregiver in our home, and that's okay with me.

But really, how can I include Al in the parenting routines on weekends and evenings when he's so tight, and sometimes cranky, signed, frustrated. Dear frustrated. Okay, so you have probably described the majority of homes in America. If it helps any, you're not alone in your frustrations. Several things. First, you need to have a come-to-Jesus moment with Al, where you lay out for him all that you have shared with me, and more. Just like you did in your letter with me, describe the circumstances vividly and state your feelings. Second, in reality, he has one 40 hours a week job, and you have one 80 hours a week job. He will contend that his job is the moneymaker and remind you of all the benefits you accrue from his job.

That's just his being defensive and not wanting to change his ways. Don't let him sidetrack you. Third, active listeners feelings. Too tired, doesn't know how to do it out of his comfort zone. When he gets that you understand him, he will be more likely to negotiate and compromise. Fourth, after he gets it and is calmer, go over the weekend and evening routines specifically and thoroughly. Then ask him where he sees himself pitching in and helping out. Don't give up your role as primary caregiver, but encourage him to co-parent with you when you're both at home. Sharing the load cuts the work in half. Consider him a junior partner where you oversee his efforts and bring him along in this parenting journey.

Finally, when you both are on the same page, call a family meeting to let the kids' on the experiment. Write down the weekend and evening routines so that all know exactly what is happening and who's in charge. As your kids get older, they can do more on their own, but always with parental oversight. Take a week or two to try it all out. Tweek the system as you need to, ask for feedback from everybody. Then put it into effect with a check-in meeting on Sunday afternoons to debrief on how last week went and to plan for the coming week. I know this all sounds like a lot. will feel more appreciated working together, and you are presenting a great role model for your kids. Happy parenting. Blessings, Dr. John. Here's another letter. Dear Dr. Robinson, what do I do when

my child does not seem to be affected by the punishment? Signed puzzled. Dear puzzled, ah, and the power struggle, I see. Of course, you win because you are the parent, physically bigger and stronger, but that's not the point. Again, relationship always tops power in healthy parenting. Our son Todd was about three years old when his mom swatted him on the bottom to get his attention. That didn't hurt, he said matter-of-factly. What? She swatted him harder and asked, how about now? She demonstrated her power, but at the expense of the relationship. Often when we sent him to his room, he wouldn't fuss. He would just go to sleep until his time was up. Not much impact. The point of punishment is not to hurt the child. Hopefully it is to make

such an impression on him that he gets it and doesn't do the wrong behavior again. The best way to make that point is to involve your child in the process from the start. Also, remember that punishment will only likely have a short-term effect. Go for natural consequence. With that goal, your child personalizes the process and hopefully sees how his behavior affected his actions. The best natural consequences lead to teachable moments. Joey hits his younger sister, Sally. Mom sees it all. Go to your young man, and no electronics for a week. Joey complies, but learns nothing. This punishment might fit the crime, but at the cost of Joy's relationship with his parents

and with his sister. After all, Sally caused Joey to hit her. Go to your room, young man, and think about how we can fix this so it doesn't happen again. I'll be in there after I get your sister settled. When you get back to your son, active listen to his protests and rationale for his behavior. When he's settled enough to be able to hear you, ask how to be able to hear you, ask how he could have handled the situation differently. Now he has options rather than impulses. Then tell him, as his natural consequence, he needs to write his sister a letter of apology,

spend at least 30 minutes a day for the next week hanging out with her to understand what makes her tick, and then talk to you after the week to let you know what he found out. Will it work every time? Probably not. But it's a step in the right direction. Hang in there. Blessings, Dr. John. If these letters stir questions of your own, contact me through my website at www.org.org.com or email me at John Robinson 0.0.0.Bel South.net. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist, and author of Teachable Moments, building blocks of Christian parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com

and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC. PI. INC.com.