Being there for your kids - Connecting with Your Child, Try Active Listening

Episode Date: August 10, 2019

It's great when things are going well with your child and between you and her. These good times are when you can instruct, direct, check-in, and offer teachable moments. When your child is in a funk, however, use active listening to hone in on her feelings and to help her sort them out. Active listening is the way to be there for her, helping her sort through all of her feelings and helping her work on getting through her stuff. It's not about judging, criticizing, or even solving the problems for her. It's about listening, really good, for her feelings and sharing back with her what you think is going on, so she can problem solve. In such a way, you really connect with her, leading to a valued teachable moment.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Let's talk about active listening. It's like a breath of fresh air. Ah. When my daughter was a preschooler, she did something mean to her brother. I don't remember what. Anyway, I sent her to her room as a consequence. She stomped off, got to her bedroom doorway, and turned on her heels.

She folded her arms and stated emphatically, You're the one who's mean. I don't love you anymore. Then she slammed her bedroom door as I started to come toward her. Her actions presented me with a crossroads in our relationship. I could show her who's the boss in my house. I could give her empathy. I could active listen. How I responded set the tone for the emotional intimacy of our father-daughter relationship. If I wanted to make sure she knew I was the boss of her, I would say such things as get rid of the attitude, young lady, keep it up and

you'll be grounded twice as long. How dare you talk to me that way? Come here and I'll give you something to bout. Such shaming power plays and threats secure my status as the boss, but at the risk of any meaningful relationship with my daughter. The result is her fearing me, shutting me out, and learning that feelings are bad to have. If I wanted to give her empathy, I could have opened her slammed door and stood in the doorway, pausing to gather my thoughts. I might say, being punished is not fun, huh? Boy, you sure told me, I see. When you feel hurt, you want to hurt back. Empathy is a step in the right direction. It's about trying to live in the other's shoes for a moment, trying to understand where they are coming from. However, empathy is more about linking feelings and behavior, conveying,

I get what you are thinking and feeling. This is where mindful parenting and active listening intersect. When their emotional fever is high and there is a problem, be careful. not to judge, criticize, or solve the problem for them. Just be with them, which is empathy, and help them understand their feelings, which is active listening. We all breathe just to stay alive. Few of us know how to breathe. Fewer still have had the panicky feeling of not being able to catch your breath. In healthy families, active listening is like a needed breath of fresh air in your relationship with your child. Be there for your kids. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting.

And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at Amazonbooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.