Being there for your kids - Dare to be Different in Active Listening

Episode Date: January 15, 2020

When our kids are hurting, you want to active listen their feelings. However, if you start every response with, "You feel..." soon your child will tune out, even if you are helping. So, dare to be different in active listening. Mix it up. Stay current with what you think he is feeling. Keep eye contact and throw in a few encouraging comments like, "Wow", "I think I see," and "Tell me more." Variety will help your child stay connected with you in his pain, letting him know that you really want to understand and to help him address his pain.

Hi, this is Teachable Moments. I'm Dr. John Robinson. I encourage you as parents to dare to be different with your children. I've talked with you at length about how active listening is the go-to response when your child has an emotional fever. Emotional fevers come in all shapes and sizes, a verbal outburst, defiance, silence, being mean to siblings, exclamations like, not fair, and all of these other kinds of behaviors indicate feelings that are going inside your child. If they are not expressed in helpful words, then they will continue to come out in unhelpful behavior. In your active listening response, be creative with your words and dare to be different. Ten-year-old Emily comes in from outside and slams the door behind her. Recognizing an active listening moment, you comment, you feel angry.

You won't believe what else just said to me. You feel surprised. Whatever. She's so mean. You feel rejected. With exasperation, Emily Huff's mom will you get off the you feel kick? going through the motions of active listening with repeatedly leading in with you feel will shortly fall on deaf ears. Emily just knows that Mama is trying to restate her feelings, but not trying to be with her in her emotional pain.

Emily comes in from the outside and slams the door. Wow, that was loud. Everything okay, dear? No, it's not okay. Alice just called me a freak because I got my haircut short. It sounds like Alice hurt your feelings by calling you names. Raising her voice, Emily clenches her fists and sobs. mean. Mama gathers her into her arms, stroking her hair and acts, Alison, you are best friends. It really makes you sad when she says thoughtless things and you don't know what to do. By words and actions, Mama is being with Emily in her emotional pain. The words are varied responses to what Mama sees and hears from Emily. Emily may cry for a short while in her mama's arms and then Mama will notice her emotional fever going down.

Crisis calmed more quickly and then they can think about problem solving. Because Mama was creative in her words and actions, she dared to be different. Emily is more willing and able to find a good solution. I'm Dr. John Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian parenting author, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, building blocks of Christian parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.