Being there for your kids - Does Drama Live in YOur House?

Episode Date: June 3, 2023

Families have drama all the time. It comes in all shapes and sizes. How you handle the drama in your house sets the tone for all others living there. I've given three examples, the wrong ways to handle them, and a sample of healthier ways to handle them. Make sense? If you want to share your drama with me, contact me at www.thereformykids.com.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. I have a question for you. Is there drama in your house? Your 5-year-old son, Andy, refuses to eat his dinner at the table. He just wants to keep playing. He ends up turning over his dinner plates, scowling at you, and says emphatically, no. Your 10-year-old daughter, Keisha, just got off the phone with her bestie. She's tearing up, beginning to tremble as she plops in front of the television. Your 15-year-old daughter, Heather, comes in from school, stomps up the stairs, and slams her bedroom door hard enough to rattle the hinges. Drama, drama, drama. What's a parent to do? You have a variety of options, some of which will ease the pain, others of which will make matters worse. Most parents would want to comfort their child, but may not know the best way to do so.

Others want control over the situation at any cost. The best response is modulated to attend to the given situation. When I was a preschooler back in the Stone Age, I remember being told I would stay seated at the dining room table however long it took for me to finish my dinner. The evening would go on with me alone at the table. Mostly I slowly fed the dog under the table, but I wasn't allowed to get up until after 11 p.m. That's one way to handle it. During a tearful setting, do you remember being told, oh, get a grip on yourself? Here's another oldie. Stop that crying now, or I'll give you something to cry about.

Many parents will just leave their teen in their bedroom until the cows come home or until she calms herself down and rejoins the real world. None of these are good parental responses to family drama. These responses are about you as a parent and your comfort level at the expense of your child's well-being. Developmentally, parenting has four stages. From birth to age six, parents need to do active parenting with their child. Every interaction is a learning experience for them. healthy behavior and meaningful interaction. From age 7 to 12, parents need to use directive parenting. You watch what's happening, give praise when your child is successful, and correction when things

aren't going well for them. From ages 13 to 17, parents need to do advice-based parenting. Here you make an effort to understand what's going on and then ask permission to comment and suggest things. From ages 18 to forever after, parents need to use consultative parenting. Your adult child, is their own person with their own ways. You wait for them to reach out to you, draw from your vast experience, and give them several options based on those circumstances. As I've noted, time and again,

active listening is the Royal Road to Relationship. This is where you feed back to your child what you think they may be feeling in that moment. An example would be, Wow, Andy, you're really upset now. Or, Keisha, you seem really bummed out. Do you want to talk about it? or knocking on Heather's door and with permission, just sitting by her on her bed for a while.

Then, had a rough day, sweetheart, to launch the conversation. If your older child doesn't want to talk about it, accept that, and respect her quiet time. I'm here when you need me, baby. Hug her and then check in later if she continues the attitude, or even when she resumes her normal cheery self. When your active listening has calmed down your child's intense feelings, it's respectful and helpful to get permission before launching into your options. I have some thoughts about what you've told me. Can I share them with you? Especially young people marvel at a grown-up asking permission to speak.

As your conversation ebbs and flows, work some praise and Thanksgiving into it. This helps give your child kudos and also puts the drama into perspective for them. You know, Andy, now that you're a big boy, I'm going to give you some new foods to help you expand. your taste. You don't have to eat all of your portions, but you do have to eat at least a no thank you helping for each. Of course, consequences and times out are part of good parenting. They help children remember who's in charge. They also reinforce the axiom, do good and good things happen, do bad and bad things happen. Also, natural consequences hold sway over corporal punishment. Five licks for the paddle may be a bad outcome because of bad behavior, but how long does the lesson last?

Writing a letter of apology takes more time and effort by your child with the likelihood of the lesson learned. Use the time with your child writing the apology as a teachable moment to help create a meaningful note. Keisha may need lots of handholding through the trench warfare of middle school. In addition to active listening, throw in lots of, I'm so sorry, darling, that must have been really hard for you to deal with. With her calming down, give her lots of scenarios with, I knew someone once who, citing similar or hypothetical circumstances. circumstances to expand her options. Parenting is the toughest job we ever have for which most of us have no training. When you have drama in your house, these are some of the tidbits that will help settle the situation and perhaps create a learning experience for all of you.

Lessing, Dr. John. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com. Thank you.