Being there for your kids - Does your child steal?

Episode Date: December 2, 2019

Stealing is a universal child behavior. The question is size, damage, and whether he gets caught or not. Developmentally, stealing behavior falls under the category of testing limits. What to do? Stop the behavior. Confront, try to talk to your child to help him understand his needs and feelings through active listening, and give consequences. When stealing goes unaddressed, it leads to impulsivity, acting out, and a sense of entitlement, where he believes he can do anything he wants and without consequences. While any stealing is not okay, it can become a very valuable teachable moment

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Let me ask you a question. Does your child steal? Sorry, Mom and Dad, but every child steals something at some time or another. While not ever right, stealing is one way that children confirm boundaries, test limits, and begin to learn about ownership, responsibility, and accountability. So, given these things, how are you going to turn any stealing event into a teachable moment? 15-year-old Eric has friends who sneak smokes.

He likes the daring of it, and he wants to try it. His friends steal cigarettes from the convenience store. One distracts the clerk while the other shop lifts a pack of cigarettes. Eric thinks he's too smart for that and doesn't want to risk a juvie record. So, he takes cigarettes one at a time from his mom's purse when she's not around. It's not really stealing, right, because it's just his mom, and it's only one cigarette at a time. During a family dinner, eight-year-old Allison waits

until her little brother is looking away and then quickly swipes the hot dog from his dinner plate. He turns back and catches her in the act. He protests to mom and dad who tell Allison to give it back. She whines. I was only kidding. Geez, can't anybody take a joke around here?

She puts the stolen hot dog back on Charlie's plate. Who is stealing in these scenarios? Eric? Allison? Both? Neither? As the parent, you are tasked to raise your children up in the ways of the Lord so that when they grow old, he will not depart from them. That's Proverbs 226 in the Bible.

While a low bar is often the case, at least it's here and not at the store, they were just being playful. I would encourage parents to always set the bar higher. To paraphrase the scriptural lesson, what would Jesus do? As parents, you know, we are his emissaries. Chapter 3 of my book, Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is entitled, Children Will Always Test the Limits. Okay, why is that? Children test the limits to be sure that they are there.

If the world has no limits, they experience anxiety, impulsivity, and entitlement. They learn, I can do whatever I want with no consequences. Not a good lesson to learn from your parents. Who's stealing in these scenarios? The answer is both Eric and Allison. The size of the crime doesn't make it less of a crime. Each is crashing boundaries, ignoring limits, and acting out in an irresponsible way with disregard for ownership and accountability.

What to do? First, don't minimize the offense. If you concede that it was only mom cigarettes or that she was only kidding, then your children see no firm limits and are likely to test the limits again in other behaviors. Second, whenever stealing occurs at any time, punishment is a required parental response. I know this is not the fun part of parenting, but you are not their friend, you are their parent, and their window into the world. To the extent possible, frame the punishment as a natural consequence. Eric could give you a three-page essay defining stealing and projecting the consequences of stealing in a person's life. He could also do the laundry for a week or other tasks that is usually done by mom. Allison could write Charlie a letter of

apology and lose dessert for a week. These outcomes reinforce the teachable moments about ownership, accountability, and responsibility. Your child steal? Probably. Likely. He might be so good at it that you just haven't caught him yet. I hope that's not the case. Nonetheless, that he steals is less important than how you respond to it. When you confront, call it what it is. Don't minimize. Active listen to your child's comments about what happened and help him get to the root feelings and needs that led to the errant behavior. Help him figure out other ways to fill his needs and feelings. Always punish stealing behavior, hopefully with a natural consequence, where he takes personal responsibility. for his behavior. In these situations, teachable moments abound. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting.

And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.