Being there for your kids - Don't Let Parental Guilt and Job Loss Get in the Way of Having Family Fun

Episode Date: June 5, 2021

My first mom wrote me about wrenching guilt when she wanted "me-time" away from her kids. All of us need me-time. Your options are not either/or, but rather both/and. Creative problem-solving with the kids helps all of you win. The second letter is from a family whose summer plans have been upended by job loss and limited funds. Take time to put together a family meeting where you can share the load and brainstorm ideas for having summer fun with limited expense. Keeping the lines of communication open with your kids is always the path to emotional intimacy, cooperation, and bonding.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. I have a few more letters for you today. Here's the first one. Dear Dr. Robinson, I am so ready for summertime. The kids will be out of school soon. We have vacation time scheduled. Spring flowers and warmer temperatures have primed me for fun in the sun. My six- and eight-year-old girls are more than ready to be finished with school and create summer adventures. I'm glad to be there for them, supervise their fun, even join in. Like splashing each other with water in the backyard. However, and here comes the guilt, I also crave me time. I like being by myself, tanning on the deck and reading a good mystery. I like walking in the neighborhood with my bestie, gossiping, talking trash. When I'm doing these things, I fear I'm depriving my girls of

quality time with them. When I make arrangements for them and start to leave, I get a chorus of, oh, ma, do you have to? How do I resolve my guilt? Signed, Torn. Dear Torn, I'd say you are on the proverbial horns of a dilemma. Too bad you can't clone yourself, but then you'd probably feel twice as guilty. Guild is a universal feeling that defines shoulda, koda, wudas. For the most part, guilt serves no beneficial purpose. You know what's right and what's wrong, so you don't need guilt to guide your decisions. There's no right choice when both options are preferable. So, guess what? Your dilemma is not an either or. It's a both and. Your issue is not one of the activity, but one of timing. Your kids are old enough to begin to understand the concept of me time. In fact,

you can help them understand their need for me time as well. You're not using the computer to babysit while you go off living the high life. You're a good mom. When you have a joint activity with the kids, enjoy and have fun. Before it ends, start injecting the fact that you'll occasionally be doing grown-up things without them and that that's okay. I hope that by now you're going to the bathroom and taking a shower in private. So they have a basic knowledge of what MeTime is. Just help them expand that concept for them and define the parameters. Give them a short heads up and get them busy doing something that does not involve you. If your younger daughter is a bit clingy, help her adjust to older sister being in charge while you are otherwise busy.

Hope these suggestions can help you embrace both and while also relieve your guilt. Blessings, Dr. John. Here's another letter. For years, our kids have enjoyed their summers away from school completely. Daily time at the swimming pool, summer camps, athletics, and family vacation. Fill to the brim. Here's the problem. My husband lost his middle management job.

We've both been looking, but up to now, to no avail. It's frustrating for us as well, but our kids feel cheated out of their fun activities. We just don't have the discretionary funds for all of it, and are cutting back expenses to the bare bones. How can we fill the void? Signed, all-time low. Dear ATL, when it rains, it pores, huh? So sorry you all are going through these tough times. As middle management, your husband,

of course, has lots of marketable skills. He may even benefit from a job's headhunter. I'm sure your kids will adapt. It's just a matter of helping them accept current financial reality and retooling their perspective on summer fun. How about starting with a family meeting? Give them some lead time and let them know what you want to discuss with them. Use your active listening to understand their feelings. When the meeting time comes around, start with an explanation of family finances. They don't need to know the dollar amounts, but they do need to know and understand that the pot isn't so big anymore and that non-essential expenses need to be cut. Active lists in their complaints and frustrations while maintaining the realities of not being able to afford the luxuries that your kids had always

taken for granted. If they are old enough to find part-time work, even to put up a lemonade stand that encourage their contribution. Finally, brainstorm all the individual and family activities that are possible without expense. Be creative. Add to the list yourself, but encourage your kids to come up with ideas as well. Brainstorming means all items are put on the list. After you are tapped out, then you look at how realistic each item on the list is, given your circumstances. Hopefully your kids will both have a better understanding of your current circumstances and also feel included in finding new adventures for summer fun. Blessings, Dr. John. If these letters stir questions of your own, contact me through my website at www.org, thereformykids.com, or email me at John Robinson

0.0.0. at Bellsouth. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at Amazon Books.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.