Being there for your kids - Emotional Fever? Active Listen

Episode Date: September 18, 2019

Why is active listening such a big deal? It is the go-to response when you see your child in any kind of stress, difficulty, or emotional pain, what I call an emotional fever. Active listening calms her down and is the balm for her distress. When you are active listening your child, you are conveying your efforts to say back to her what you think she is feeling. You are not judging, not criticizing, and certainly not solving her problems for her. You are conveying to her that you are with her and that you have confidence in her handling her situation well. You get what she's going through and you've got her back. When you see her emotional fever subsiding, only then can you ask permission to share your wisdom with her. This conveys your respect and confidence in her. Active listening is your most valuable communication tool when parenting your children through their inevitable tough times. Active listening is a big deal.

I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. So, active listening, what's the big deal? Isn't active listening like talking to your kid like you always do? That's often the first question I get when I introduce the concept of active listening to folks in my Christian parenting classes. The answer is both yes and no. Yes, active listening involves talking with your kids, not to them. It's definitely at first anyway, not like you always talk to them. Active listening is talking with your kids about what they seem to be feeling,

in the moment. When all is good and well, by all means, instruct, direct, and check in with your kids. However, if you see signs of what I call an emotional fever, that's when you're talking with them becomes more helpful and strategic. So, 13-year-old Allison comes in from school and stomps upstairs without even saying hi. You are in the kitchen cutting up vegetables, and you holler at her. Allison, sweetie, could you come in the kitchen for a minute, please? You were so busy with your activities that you missed the behavioral cues Allison was giving out when she came home from school. What? Allison stops in the doorway, putting her hands on her hips. Excuse me, young lady, mom huffs back. What's with the attitude?

Leave me alone. Allison mumbles as she looks at the floor. This exchange is more frequent in common households than we want to believe. Mom was so preoccupied with her activities that she didn't pick up on her daughter's stuff. Allison was reluctantly dutiful because she was was consumed with her pain from whatever school day she had had. This is a lose-lose situation. As the parent, we want to be tuned into our kids at all times. The key is noticing any trace of an emotional fever. Attitude, disrespect, isolation, behavior that's opposite of what's normal for your child. These are examples of an emotional fever. When our child has a physical fever, we instantly pick up on her symptoms and act accordingly. Take her fever, give lots of

liquids, get her to lay down and rest, we treat the symptoms of the fever. So too with the symptoms of an emotional fever, except we treat these symptoms with our words. Active listening is a big deal because your words can soothe your child's feelings and be a balm to her soul. Active listening is more than empathy. I can imagine what you must be feeling. That's a good empathic statement. Empathy is also about feelings, but it is static, feeling with your child. Active listening is a more interactive, more active style of listening. Mom hears her daughter come home from school. Even from afar, she thinks, uh-oh, something's up.

She puts her kitchen chores aside and climbs the stairs to Allison's bedroom, stopping at the door to knock. What do you want? Allison spits out. Wow, honey, whatever it is, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it. What's going on? Leave me alone. Mom approaches, sits beside her daughter on the bed,

and gives her a side hug. Allison breaks down in tears and folds into her mama's arms. Active listening is both trying out feeling words and also physical interaction. It's about relationship, not about power. You have the authority to talk to your child any way you choose. Choose active listening when you notice signs that there is an emotional fever. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments.

Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.