Being there for your kids - Getting through to your Child

Episode Date: April 16, 2019

Which gets through to your child better---talking or listening? That's a trick question. The answer depends on how your child's doing. If he is having problems, listening is better, specifically active listening. Active listening helps your child know their feelings, lower their emotional fever, and bring all their resources to bear on working things out. If he is not having problems and life is just moving along, talking is better. You can instruct, direct, and share your wisdom. You use "check-in" comments to gauge how he's doing, and then bask in the opportunities for teachable moments. Listening opens your child's heart up to figure problems out. Talking gives your child opportunity to expand his knowledge base hanging out with you.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Tell me, are you doing more talking or listening with your children? As parents, we are prone to do more talking than listening. Now, there's a time for both talking and listening. The key is to be timely and to focus on what your child needs in the moment. Little Chip is having trouble tying his shoes. He's trying to be a big boy, but he's not getting it. If mom jumps in there and starts with here, let me get that for you. The shoes will be tied, but a teachable moment will be lost. First, notice Chip's emotional fever rising. Does his face carry a frown? Is he throwing his shoes aside? Is he looking at you and about to burst into tears?

All signs of his emotional fever rising. Your response? Active listening. Wow, buddy, you seem frustrated. Can I help? This simple comment on your part starts the process of Chip's fever going down. By asking for help, you can get permission to show him how to tie his shoes, guide him through doing it himself, or do it yourself,

with running commentary to your son. If Chip simply asks for your help with no signs of a rising emotional fever, then you can direct him or instruct him in the process. Direction and instruction are two of three healthy forms of communication parents give children her simply learning. The other, checking in, is a short touching-based talk, such as, hey, buddy, how's that shoelace-tying thing going for you? With these forms of communication, the goal is to help out as the parent

and to not take the task over. When active listening, if you err on the side of talking too much, you're probably turning a teachable moment into an unwanted lecture. People can usually identify feelings in five words or less. Give your child time to absorb and respond. When touching base, directing, or instructing, where there is no apparent problem for your child, remember that most children's attention spans are about 30 to 60 seconds. If your child's attention wanders, you've lost a teachable moment anyway. Either engage his curiosity about the topic or let it go and come back to it later.

The time for talking is when there is no emotional fever and when you've captured your child's attention. The time for listening is when your child is hurting. Listening heals the hurt far more than talking. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com. com.