Being there for your kids - Getting Your Child's Birthday "just right."

Episode Date: June 27, 2021

Birthdays at any age are about feeling special and doing something fun. Sometimes, however, things come up and we are thrown into a birthday quandry. In the first letter, mom is hurt and confused when her son is not invited to a neighborhood child's birthday party. I help her navigate that social sleight. In the second letter, best friends have the same birth date and have always celebrated their birthday party jointly. This year, however, they want separate parties. Is this about wanting to feel more special, or is it something else. I help mom encourage her daughter to wonder what else is going on and where this request came from.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. You know, my belief is that as parents, our responsibility is to raise independent, responsible, socially conscious adults by the time they leave our nest. From Scripture, Proverbs 226, we are to, quote, raise our children in the ways of the Lord so that when they grow old, they will not depart from him, end quote. Over the years, I've collected questions from parents and responded. Now, through my podcast, I have the opportunity to share some of these letters with you. Here are two more. Dear Dr. Robinson, I love my little five-year-old Jack to pieces. Also, my heart goes out to him.

He's our only child, and he spends a lot of non-school time with me. I don't know if he's just painfully shy, a mama's boy, or if he might have social anxiety or Asperger's. I heard from a neighborhood mom that another five-year-old in the neighborhood is having a birthday party soon, and little Jack has not been invited. We are friends with the parents of this other boy, so Jack being left out really hurts. Suggestions, signed at a loss. Dear Ada, my heart goes out to you as well as to Jack,

even if Jack were being excluded from this party, given the circumstances, you would hope that the other boy's parents would step in and add Jack to the guest list and make it a teachable moment for their child. You gave several concerns for Jack's seeming lack of social skills, it's clear that you've put a lot of thought into this. Even as a fifth grader, my granddaughter wouldn't look at a restaurant server, let alone order her own meal. I spent a lot of time coaching her,

asking what's the worst that could happen, imprompting her in new situations with peers to simply put her hand out and say, Hi, I'm Caitlin. What's your name? To the extent possible, if it's painful shyness, anticipate and prep jack for upcoming situations. Even practice in role rehearsal at home. If he might be a mama's boy, make sure his dad or other male caregiver has time with him going on errands and doing guy things. Social anxiety and aspirers are mental health conditions and likely not the case. However, if your concerns persist, you can get an evaluation from a clinical psychologist to clarify these concerns. To your immediate concern, if the parents of the birthday boy in the neighborhood are not amenable to stepping up, then plan an alternative

fun thing that you folks can do as a family during the time of the party Jack was not invited to. Active listen Jack's feelings to the extent that he's tuned into the social slight. Make it a fun day to counterbalance his potential hurt feelings. Finally, as Jack gets older, find group activities where he can participate, such as Cub Scouts, Sunny School Class, library groups, and other structured adult supervised activities. Hang in there. Blessings, Dr. John. Here's another letter. Do Dr. Robinson, my eight-year-old daughter and her best friend share the same birthday.

They each want to feel special on their day and don't want a joint birthday party. Our two families are all best friends with each other, and the joint birthday party has been the norm for years. So now what? Signed Baffled. Dear Baffled, are you all up for two parties in the same day? Flip a coin to see who hosts their party for lunch and who hosts the one at the dinner hour. Have your daughters be involved in the process of invitation, theme, favors, cake, and the like. Promote each feeling special for their part of the day.

They may be conspiring just to yank your chain. If so, when you start the process, either child might just ask to go back to the joint birthday party plans. If that doesn't happen, forge ahead. It sounds like the driving force is about feeling special. Draw your daughter out on what that means to her, and if separate birthday parties on the same day as not feasible, brainstorm how she can feel special for her part of the joint party. It sounds like you're getting caught up in your daughter's solution when her request is really a

symptom. As you talk with her, work into the conversation and the question, so, I hear what you're saying, but I'm wondering what else is going on. Children usually don't do so well with such essay questions, so when you get a blank stare or other non-starter responses, follow up with a multiple choice question. You know her well enough to come up with other reasons as to why she's not feeling so special. After this discussion, I'm sure you won't feel so baffled yourself. Blessings, Dr. John. If these letters stir questions of your own, contact me through my website at www. thereformykids.com or email me at John Robinson 0.0.Belsaf.net. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting.

And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.