Being there for your kids - Had it with an Obnoxious Teen?

Episode Date: December 16, 2023

Teens often seem to be in their own world. But, do they really want to be? Their universal goal is to form their own, individual identity, which will carry over for their lifetime. Sadly, that goal can be at great expense to others in their world. Coming to terms with your teen means accepting where they are at any given moment, being there for them, and helping them navigate those troubled waters.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. I have another letter for you today. This one is entitled Coming to Terms with Your Teen. Dear Dr. Robinson, my daughter, Carla, just turned 13 years old, and she thinks she's all that. Making fun of her younger sister, wanting to hang all over the friends of her 17-year-old brother whenever they come over. I try to correct her, but it seems as though my words fall on deaf ears. If she gives me another whatever and I roll, I think I'll scream. Suggestions? Signed, overwrought mom.

Dear O.M. Yep, you got your hands full. Your three kids are at different developmental stages. Your younger daughter just wants big sis' attention and is resisting that sis is growing up. Your oldest son is just trying to live his life, have fun with his buds, and not be otherwise bothered. Middle daughter, she's wanting to bust out on her own, be accepted by older boys, and emotionally distanced herself from you to find ways to define herself in this world. Hang in there with her. She won't tell you, but this is a time where she needs you to be there the most. Only correcting her, as you have found out, pushes her further away.

While she needs boundaries and discipline, work it into your time with her without putting her in her place. Her worst fear at her age is being embarrassed. Her greatest desire is being accepted. So, what to do? First, find some time with her alone outside of your home. She will refuse to help you with the laundry or do other chores without requisite fussing. But if you make your alone time with her about her, she'll be more receptive. Increasing the positive interactions with her will reduce the negative ones.

Helping her buy and then apply makeup for special occasions is one such option. Asking her opinion about decisions you are making is another. However, in this case, be sure to give her options, either of which are excellent. acceptable to you. For example, if you ask, how about pork chops for dinner tonight, she will blow you off. If you ask, would you rather have pork chops or spaghetti for dinner? She'll give you her opinion. Second, catch her being good. If she gives her younger sister the time of day or even does something fun with her, thank her and tell her how much you appreciate her taking the time. Ask her if she wants to invite several girlfriends over for a popcorn and movie night and give them space to have fun together. When she's nice and in a good receptive mood, compliment her. When she demonstrates that emotional fever, attitude, or is out of sorts, start with active listening. Something like, honey, this isn't like you. What else is going on is a good conversation starter, even if what's going on is so like her. Active listening helps you focus on her feelings and lets her know that you are with her and gives her opportunity

to sort out things for herself. When she needs boundaries and correction, use eye messages, Something like Carla, when you yell at your sister to get out of your room and you slam the door behind her, I really worry that you want her out of your life. I'm also fearful that you will tear the door off its hinges. Is there another way we can resolve this? An I message has three parts, an observable behavior, your concrete and specific feelings about that behavior, and a tangible outcome to the event. After you've set boundaries and made corrections,

to active listening to continue calming her down, and getting to the real issues. Coming to terms with your teen will test your medal. It may be the hardest part of parenting shy of the pain of childbirth. Based on events and interactions, our children decide early on that they either want to be just like us in personality and behavior or just opposite of us. Forming an individual identity is the heart of adolescence. Helping your kids through the storms of their lives will give them opportunity to form that,

which is truly their personal identity. with the good parts from both of their parents. Hope this is helpful. Blessings, Dr. John. If this letter stirs questions of your own, contact me through my website at www.org. ThereformyKids.com or email me at John Robinson.00.

at bell south.net. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist, and author of Teachable Moments, building blocks of Christian parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Builds, building blocks of Christian parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and

national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.