Being there for your kids - Helping Your Children Get Along

Episode Date: May 14, 2019

Sometimes chaos just breaks out and you have to go into crisis mode. When your children aren't getting along, what to do? Each of your children is precious to you and you love each uniquely, but you still have to maintain order and keep them from killing each other. Several steps in the process are important. Separate for each (and you) to cool down. Active listen each child's emotional fever without judgment or blaming. Levy appropriate natural consequences, and moderate their talk with each other about how to avoid such conflict in the future. This process is a great way to help your kids get along.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Mom. Crash! Mom heard the sound coming from her 13-year-old daughter's room. Now what? She muttered as she dried her hands before leaving the dishes to make yet another kid rescue. Chad, look what you've done. Jenny screamed at her 10-year-old little brother. Get out of my room, you jerk. Mom hurried her pace, sensing her children coming to blows. Sibling rivalry is only one of many daily challenges for parents of strong-willed children. children. It would be common for mom to storm into Jenny's room and begin barking orders. Jenny, don't talk to your brother like that. Chad, pick up that mess. What are you doing in your

sister's room anyway? Unfortunately, such common occurrences will likely lead to hurt feelings, emotional distance, and continued power struggles. When you are able to trade in divisive me against you talk, for we and us talk, you are on the right track. First, without comment or criticism, separate your children in the moment. Take time to find out what happened from each of their perspectives, using your active listening to understand the feelings behind the actions. Second, when you sense your child's emotional fever is going down after active listening, ask what they might have said or done differently to have achieved a positive outcome. Third, identify what each child did to add to the difficulty between them and give each a timeout to formulate an apology to the other. Behaviorally and

developmentally, the rule of thumb is to give times out that are no longer than two minutes for every year of your child's age. For Chad, at age 10, that would be 20 minutes. For Jenny at age 13, that would be 26 minutes. In reality, such a brief timeout may serve its purpose, but also is an opportunity for you to step away, settle down, and bring reason to the conversation. Finally, after these times out, talk to your children together, both to structure the apology and forgiveness piece and to jointly address specifics that could help avoid such encounters in the future. For example, Chad could knock before entering his sister's room and Jenny could make time for her brother doing something he likes, like competing on a video game. I don't know any parent who can avoid those

moments where they say, uh-oh, here we go again. However, taking these steps will turn those uh-oh moments into teachable moments for your children. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.