Being there for your kids - Holiday Challenges

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

What to do when one of your kids embraces the awe of Santa Claus, and her older brother intends to burst her bubble by saying that Santa is "not real?" As parents, we are to respect our children's developmental stages and convictions, while guiding them away from power plays. Also, how do we keep the family and spiritual side of Christmas alive in our family? In the second letter, mom is frustrated with the disruption to kid bedtime with the change of routine around the holidays. Ideas?

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. I have two more letters for you today. Here's the first one. Dear Dr. Robinson, the seasonal holidays are upon us, and I have two challenges. First, my 10-year-old son now believes there is no Santa Claus. That's okay, but he's inflicting his opinion on his little sister, age five. Second, they're both wrapped up in the commercial Christmas with little attention to the spiritual and religious impact. Last year they even counted the number of presents each got and were upset when the numbers weren't even. So, how do I help my daughter to keep the wonder of Christmas alive and also keep Jesus' birthday from getting lost in the commercial shuffle, signed in a conundrum? Dear Connie, get it, Connie, short for conundrum, L-O-L. I appreciate your dilemma. At age 10, your son is just getting into using his capacity for abstract reasoning.

You don't want to squelch that as he is figuring out something. as abstract as Santa Claus. On the other hand, your daughter is full of awe and wonder for this magical gift giver. And some parents, not you, of course, use this magic to encourage children to be nice over naughty where Santa is concerned. Generally, I encourage you to love and accept each of your kids where they are and for their individual beliefs. Have a teachable moment or two with your son to explore his reasoning, helping him conclude

that Christmas celebration focuses on relationship, not on reality. In that spirit, he can embrace sisters' magic about Christmas and not dash her off. Use your active listening skills to help each other understand what they are feeling and to lower their emotional fevers, and then ask, well, what's your opinion? Each of you is entitled to your own opinion. Focus on answering all questions and on having mutual respect for each child's opinion. Regarding spirituality and the season, I don't think it's a coincidence that all major religions celebrate on or around the winter solstice. Christians, Jews, Muslims, and African Kwanza religions embrace that time of year. Actually, history shows that December 25th was originally a pagan holiday to help people keep a festive and engaging perspective through bleak and harsh winter months,

where it was impossible to leave the cave and socialize. In modern commercial America, however, it seems especially hard to maintain the spirit of the season. So, it will take concerted effort on the part of the grownups in your house. to bring the reason for the season into play. Something concrete works best in the eyes of children. I've known some parents that make a family project out of baking Jesus a birthday cake and singing happy birthday, as it is served for dessert for a family meal that day. This tends to generate meaningful, age-appropriate conversation.

Others have drawn names out of a hat for gift-giving to address the explosion of gifts from everyone to everyone. Others help the children participate in sacrificial giving to less fortunate people. Make sure your child gives something from their allowance or bank account or resources toward the project. Such efforts have included buying a goat for a family in a distant impoverished environment. More locally, it could involve putting food or gifts to take to your local homeless shelter. Angel trees are popular in some places where gift giving is directed to the less fortunate, such as the children of parents who are in prison. people pick a construction paper angel off a Christmas tree, and the angel has the names, ages,

and sizes of the children who will receive the gift. These and other options are ways that your family can share Christmas with both Santa and with Jesus. Hope this is helpful. Blessings, Dr. John. Here's another letter. Dear Dr. Robinson, holidays and other breaks from school present a particular challenge in our family. My kids are 6, 10, and 12. Bedtimes can get rough. with horseplay, last-minute requests, and with changing bedtimes around holidays and other breaks. It seems they will only quiet and go to sleep when I yell the loudest, and I don't want to be that mom.

Help, signed, stuck in chaos. Dear Stuck, my heart goes out to you. Your kids represent three distinct developmental stages in childhood, each with its own challenges. Additionally, they are challenging your authority, and don't respond until you reach the end of your rope. You know that saying about tying a number, not on the end of your rope, here's how. Start by having a heartfelt discussion with your husband

and assure that you are both on the same page. When you reach your limit with the kids, use what my wife and I call tag team parenting when our kids were young. When I'm done, I find and tag her and declare you're it. The prearrangement is that you won't be tagged for mere convenience. You just know you are about to say or do something bad if you don't get relief. Now, the two of you prepare for and hold a family meeting around bedtime chaos. Use your active listening skills to sort out all the feelings, complaints, and suggestions. Challenge the kids to contribute to the problem solving. Typically, with kids your ages, it's developmentally important for each child to have a unique bedtime. Clearly, that works for your six-year-old. But when brothers are close in age, like your

10 and 12-year-olds, some families find it easier to put them to bed at the same time. That robs the oldest of a privilege he should have as long as he doesn't abuse it. Also, start putting the kids to bed 15 to 20 minutes prior to their lights out bedtime. This accounts for all the stalling tactics and helps them prepare to sleep. It also gives you cuddle time, talk time, and other emotional bonding with each child. If possible, both you and hubby should alternate and share bedtime routines for the children. This is the old divide and conquer adage, which in the end gives you more couple time after they are in bed. It also is important to give each child quality gender time.

Finally, as holidays and other changes to the schedule occur, make sure this is an agenda item on your weekly family meetings. Also, be sure to put the changes on your family events calendar. These are vital tools in family functioning to help avoid transition meltdowns and or challenges. Acknowledging and preparing for changes always helps them go more smoothly. Helpful? Thanks. Blessings, Dr. John. If these letters stir questions of your own, contact me through my website at www. ThereformyKids.com or email me at John Robinson 0.0.BelSouth.net. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist, and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting.

And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMCP-I-N-C.com.