Being there for your kids - How Much Space to Give Your Teen

Episode Date: July 21, 2019

Launching our teens into adulthood is a major accomplishment for all parents. As they try to sort out who they want to be as an adult, forming their own individual identity, sometimes that results in way too much alone time in their rooms. While we want to acknowledge their need for their privacy, that need is not at the expense of being a part of the family. Use your active listening to help him sort feelings out. Get permission to offer thoughts and perspective. If your asking questions seems to fall on deaf ears, stop offering essay questions and use the multiple choice variety. You know your teen well enough to come up with some options that will resonate. How much space to give your teen? Just enough for privacy and thinking through things, but not so much that he uses his privacy to escape family and responsibilities.

I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Let's talk about space, the teen frontier. Okay, I admit it, I'm a Star Trek nut. Never had the series theme song as my ringtone, but I do like the lead-in. Space, the final frontier. For teens, having space and learning how to navigate it well is their final frontier, on the boundary between adolescence and adulthood. At 16, Alan was, well, Alan.

He's tall, lanky, not particularly, nor athletic. He's a computer gamer and he spends a lot of time in his bedroom, watching YouTube videos and playing RPGs with his friends. His role-playing friends are online. Each has the others back in the war games they play. Alan has only one friend in real life, his next-door neighbor Tommy, and they've known each other since they moved into the neighborhood when Tommy was three years old. Alan is a BC student doing well in computer, math, and technology classes at school not so well in English and history classes. His thumbs fly when he's texting, of course using the obligatory texting emoji-laden shorthand. But it's hard for him to turn in essay

questions, book reports, or even stories that capture his imagination and gaming expertise. His teachers have tried everything to help motivate Alan to succeed in school. So the million-dollar question. Is Alan's story normal, typical for his age group? As his parent, how would you check this out? How do you help him navigate to adulthood and successful, responsible, independent living? Alan certainly wants his space, his own cocoon in his room. That in and of itself is normal. Teens do these kinds of things on their journey of finding themselves.

Establishing an individual identity is the developmental goal of adolescents. However, we all, also by nature, are social animals. Most folks have one or two best friends with whom each is the other's coffee dot, and a social network of six to eight people, two or four couples as adults with whom they frequently hang out. To help the Allens of the world navigate adolescence to adulthood, several points come to mind. First, respect his need for space, but with some conditions. He must make an effort to emerge from his room for meals with the family, for school, and for other requiring appointments.

Second, he must attend to responsibilities such as homework, chores, errands, and the like, before melting into his space. Third, he must be willing to share his feelings with you at some level. Remember, kids don't answer essay questions very well. So when you get a shoulder shrug, look away, or silence in response, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know your teen well enough to likely come up with a topic or area that's troubling him. Use your active listening to help him flesh out his feelings.

and be available on his request to troublesuit and advise. Wanting space is not the teen problem, that's normal. If they use that space to hold up, withdraw from social or family interaction, and push people away, then it's a problem. With your kind assurance, healthy confrontation, and loving, active listening, such problems can become teachable moments. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist, author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting,

and this has been teachable moments. Teachable moments, building blocks of Christian parenting is available online at Amazonbooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.