Being there for your kids - How to Handle the Stubborn Child

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

Every child goes through a stubborn time or two...or three or four... Stubborn attitude is actually a good thing in moderation. It's your child's way of asserting herself, testing her wings, defining her personal identity. It's also a challenge to your authority, a stalling tactic, and can lead to relational distance. As the parent, you can use your power and ascribed authority to make her do what you say. Sadly, while you could do that, you would likely lose emotional intimacy with her. Alternatively, you can use your relationship to help her work through her stubborn streak and make it a teachable moment. After using active listening to lower her emotional fever, with permission, give her agreeable options that help her do what you want her to do. When she yields and complies, be sure to thank her for her cooperation and "big girl" decision. Yep. That's a teachable moment.

Hey, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Is your daughter being stubborn? Come on, sweetheart. It's time to get in the car. We're getting ready to go home. Mama nudged her six-year-old daughter Ella toward the backseat car door. Older sister Mia had already gotten in and buckled up. The grown-ups were hugging their goodbyes. Ella, however, caught an attitude. I don't want to go, she declared, stomping her foot for emphasis. She crossed her arms and looked up at her mom defiant. In such situations, Mom is at a crossroad. She can choose power or she can choose relationship. She can go big or she can go small. Her choices will likely calm or multiply the drama. One option, choose power and go big. Mom took a breath, standing tall over her youngster. Young lady, I don't have time for this. Get in the car. Now, Mom is within her rights to respond this way. But at what cost? Ella could meet the challenge, digging her heels in and silent. giving her mom the eye, up the ante for mom in a battle that she would win. Mom could then double down with, and I mean right now.

Ella could cave, begin tearing up, and slowly get in the car. Or Ella could stand her ground whereupon mom would have to physically get her in the car. She chooses power, wins, but in reality, everybody loses. Another option, choose relationship by taking the time to address Ella's feelings and giving her options. After Ella declared she didn't want to go, Mom could take a breath, kneel down so she could talk to her daughter eye to eye, and active listen until Ella's emotional fever begins to go. Oh, baby, you really want to stay longer with your nana and Papa.

Ella's shoulders loosened as she nods her answer. It's not fair that we have to leave so soon. It seems like we just got here, huh? Ella reaches out to put her arms around her mom's neck and gets tearful. Mom concludes that Ella's feelings have been soothed and she switches to giving options. You know, baby girl, I have some ideas about how we can handle this. Do you want to hear them? Asking permission from your child to speak is a highlight of any child's life

and usually leads to effective problem solving. Ella agrees and mom continues. Since it's getting late and it will be your bedtime when we get home, I bet you could text your Nana from the car to tell her what fun you had visiting. Tell her your best part of the visit. Then you guys can talk about when it would be okay for you to have a sleepover. Sound like a plan? Choosing power is always quicker, but at the expense of a close relationship with your child.

When she is being stubborn for any reason, choose relationship, lowering her emotional fever with active listening, and then getting permission to offer some solutions that will work for all. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist, and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores.

More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.