Being there for your kids - How You Say It Is Just As Important As What You Say

Episode Date: January 19, 2019

Most of the time you and your child get each other. But, when you don't get each other, there's a disconnect. Disconnects usually occur when your verbal and nonverbal behavior don't match up. When your child has an emotional fever, active listen. Verbal, use feeling words. Nonverbal, look at him, get down on his level, lean in, all nonverbal behaviors that tell him you are listening and that he is the most important thing to you in the world at that moment. When your child's verbal and nonverbal don't match up, observe and confess. "Son, you are telling me to go away, but you are crying. I'm confused. I just want to help." If he runs into your arms, you got your answer. If he yells, "I said go away," then leave, for the moment. Follow with, "when you want to talk about it, I want to listen." Both you and your child say things with your actions as well as with your words. How you say something is just as important as what you say.

This is Teachable Moments. I'm Dr. John Robinson. How you say it is just as important as what you say. In a perfect world, you get your child and she gets you all the time. Everybody who lives in a perfect world, raise your hand. Nope, I didn't think so. In our imperfect world, what we say and how we say it doesn't always match. So we have verbal and nonverbal communication. As parents, we need to actively listen to both what our children say and to how they say it. Your five-year-old son is sitting in a chair, arms crossed over his chest scowling, and he then turns his chair completely away from you. In your best parenting way, you ask, hey, buddy, what's up?

His response, leave me alone. I don't love you anymore. Your shoulders slump, and there's a catch in your throat. You turn to leave the room, and then he starts crying. His verbals tell you go away, but his non-verbals tell you to stay. What to do? When confronted with mixed signals, attend to both and accept your confusion. A self-absorbed parent might respond to his child's words with,

you don't talk to me that way, I'm your father. With those comments, you've lost opportunity to console your child, to find out what happened, and to have a teachable moment. Instead, stay in the moment and acknowledge what you think is going on. Wow, I'm really confused. You tell me to go away, and then you start crying when I do. Want to talk about it? Sometimes, even under the best circumstances, your child will say no. Don't persist. simply suggest, I can give you your space, but when you do want to talk about it, I want to listen. Similarly, if your teen approaches you asking to talk and you respond, sure, son, what's on your mind, yet your head and attention are still buried in the newspaper.

Here, you are the one with the mixed messages. Your words will have more impact and be more important to your child when your head, your heart, and your voice are all on the same page. When your verbal and nonverbal communication line up, you have more integrity with your child. When you observe and try to unravel your child's mixed messages, you develop emotional intimacy and opportunity for a teachable moment. How you say it is just as important as what you say. I'm Dr. John Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian parenting author, and this has been

Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC. INC.com.