Being there for your kids - Is Your Child Just Too Worrisome?

Episode Date: August 28, 2019

Too much worry can consume our kids, rob them of fun and friendship. What to do to help them not worry so much. Just saying "don't worry so much" is unhelpful. How about another strategy? When you notice your child worrying, use your active listening skills to help them calm down and be in the moment. Help him reframe his worry as a "what if" question. Then help him change the "what if" question into an "I wonder" statement, and add a positive outcome to his curiosity. Rather than being locked up in worry, you can help him establish a goal toward which he can take steps to accomplish. For example, "What if I fail my spelling test tomorrow?" becomes, "I wonder how well I will do on my spelling test tomorrow?" The what if locks him up in unproductive worry, while the I wonder motivates him to study harder to do better on the spelling test.  Help him practice switching from what if to I wonder with several situations until the change comes second nature to him.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Did you know that the phrase, what if, equals worry and problems? Gracie had a dilemma. She was really good at baseball, but at eight years old, her options to play were limited. She could play softball with the girls, but she wanted to play baseball with the boys. She wanted the challenge, but what if they tease me because I'm a girl? What if I'm not good enough to make the team? What if I goof up and can't do it right?

Gracie was so worried about all this stuff that her tummy was just in knots. Wow, her daddy exclaimed. That's a lot of what-ifs. He took a breath and thought for a moment. You know, we won't be able to answer all these questions until next year if you pass on the tryouts today. I would hate for you to spend all that time without knowing. Gracie's dad chose a teachable moment for his daughter. He could simply have said, enough.

I paid good money to register you for these tryouts and you're going. Yeah, that would have worked. I can just imagine the knots getting bigger in Gracie's tummy. Instead, her dad active listened to his daughter's feelings to help her calm down. When he saw that Gracie's emotional fever had gone down, he said, I have some thoughts about how we can handle the situation. Do you want to hear them? When a parent asks a child for permission to speak,

most children are awestruck and gladly agree. In Gracie's case, she and her dad practiced baseball in the backyard before going to the tryout. her dad praised her efforts and outcome. He pumped her up for the opportunity to show her stuff. Her confidence grew and she took on the challenge. Generally, when stressed or worried, it's helpful to start taking slow, deep breaths to help you stay in the moment. When the what-ifs invade your thinking, convert each one to an I-wonder statement, followed by a probable positive outcome. Generally, what-if creates anxiety and worry, while I Wonder creates curiosity and resolve.

So, in Gracie's case, what if I strike out becomes, I wonder how well I will hit the ball? The embedded positive outcome is I will hit the ball well. Finally, imagine the outcome you want to happen in all of its rich and full detail. Write it down or share it with a confidant to make it more real. This picture becomes your reference point as you pursue your goal. While what if equals worry and problems, I wonder creates a pathway to helpful activity and success.

Helping your child through a difficult situation with active listening and creative joint problem solving is the pathway to teachable moments. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at Amazonbooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMCP-I-N-C.com.