Being there for your kids - Just Ask!

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

When you want something, do you just take it? Or do you ask? Most folks will ask, out of respect for the giver. You know what? Our kids deserve the same respect we would naturally give an adult. When your child has shown an emotional fever, and you have used active listening to calm her down, now's the time to offer suggestions and help. The key is to ask her permission, regardless of her age. "You know, sweetheart, you've had such a rough go of it. I have some thoughts about what's going on and how to handle it. Do you want to hear them?" Just plowing on risks your relationship with your child. They may feel judged, inadequate, not smart enough to figure it out. By asking permission to speak, you are conveying respect, and your words matter more. If she says "no," don't continue anyway. Simply let her know that you will wait until she is ready for your comments. Just ask!

Hi, this is Teachable Moments. I'm Dr. John Robinson. Even though we're the parent, you know what, it's important to get permission from your child before giving them comment. Four-year-old Matthew climbs up on their kitchen counter to retrieve a large box of dry kitty food. Mommy, he asked, can I feed the kitty? Simple request. Our kids ask our permission almost all the time, and mostly we say yes. However, where parents are emotionally tuned into their children, getting permission works both ways. Matthew's mom had several choices. She could quickly reach over her son for the canister of dry kitty food and abruptly add, here, I'll do that. Or she could caution, sweetheart, I think that's too big for you to handle.

Can I help? Or she could say, sure, honey, while gritting her teeth and preparing to pounce to avoid a mess. Taking over avoids the possibility of mess, but also deprives Matthew of a teachable moment. Mom's unintended hidden message is, son, my keeping control and keeping my house in order is more important than your curiosity and wanting to be helpful. Ouch, not good. Asking to help is a step in the right. direction, but her judgment that the canister is too big for him to handle deprives Matthew of an opportunity to experiment and to stretch his abilities. Telling him to go ahead, but expecting disaster may set Matthew up for problems and feeling

responsible for making the mess. This teachable moment in the making needs to start with mom giving observations and asking permission of her four-year-old son. Maddie, I'm glad you want to help Kitty get her food. You're getting to be such a big boy. I know you don't want to make a big mess and then have to clean it up. I have an idea. Can I share it with you? Getting permission from your child at whatever age often comes as a pleasant surprise to him. It also puts the focus on the relationship, not just on the task. You share your wisdom and your child has an opportunity to grow with your guidance.

This is the value of getting permission. I'm Dr. John Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian parenting author, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at Amazonbooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.