Being there for your kids - Kids Do Act Out, or Act In

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

Sometimes, hopefully not often, our kids behavior is out of control. In these times, they either act out, or they act in. Actor outers are impulsive, angry, feel misunderstood, and believe they are entitled. Actor inners are withdrawn, isolated, and feel bitter and unwanted. Both are in an awful place. As parents, we love our children whatever emotional place they are in, and we help them get to a better place. Active listening, collaborating, and problem-solving help them get there. Confronting and consequences help our acting outers feel less entitled. Encouraging social engagement, fun activities, and outlets help our acting inners feel less isolated. Being there for your kids is always where you want to be.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Let me ask a question. Does your child act out or act in? What? Most everybody knows about children who act out. What is acting in all about? Our children fall roughly into three categories of behavior. By far, the biggest category is normal behavior. Think about the statistical bell curve where 90% of respondents fall in the middle. Then 5% fall on the left side and 5% fall on the left side. on the right side. These two remaining categories of children are the actor outers and the actor inners. Together, they only capture about 10% of all children. So, behaviorally, the likelihood

is that your child is completely normal. But let's talk about the actor outers and the actor iners. From 8-year-old Naomi's perspective, all she wanted to do was play with her friends in the neighborhood after getting home from school. But no, Mama told her she had to finish her homework and go over it with her before going outside. To Naomi, Mama was being unfair. She didn't understand her. She was going to pay for not giving her what she wants and for being mean to her. What followed was Naomi screaming as loud as she could, swiping her milk and cookies as well as her book bag and homework sheets off the kitchen table, and then running out the back door in a huff. Her mama sighed deeply while saying to herself, here we go again. Twelve-year-old James also came home from school,

But he went straight to his room and stretched across his bed. He took pieces of paper from his school notebook, tore each of them up, and then balled them into his fists, and threw them on the floor. The eighth graders in his middle school had mercilessly teased him again about being overweight and unathletic. He walked away from them alone again as they laughed among themselves. These images replayed in his mind as he bawled up more and more paper. The pile on the floor beside him was getting bigger. Mom came into his room then to check on him. Hey, buddy, how is your day at school? she asked.

Okay, James answered. Mom saw the pile of balled up paper and casually asked, What's wrong? To which James replied, nothing. Clearly, Naomi is the actor outer, while James is the actor inner. Neither is handling their life stressors very well. Actor outers typically have trouble with impulse control, anger outbursts, and a sense of entitlement, believing that they can do

whatever they want with no consequences. They seem genuinely surprised when rules are applied to them. They crave attention, as do all of us, but generally seek negative attention because it's easier to get. As parents, we confront the negative behavior of our actor-outer, and we consequent, teaching them that, indeed, they are not entitled. We use active listening to uncover the needs and feelings behind their actions and challenge them to find other, more appropriate ways to tend to their needs and get their feelings met. We help them see that their words and actions do indeed have negative impact on those around them, and we help them find common ground with others, promoting working together and healthy problem-solving. With actor-inners, as parents, we sidle up to them when they are isolating,

make observations, and ask permission to talk with them. If they are not ready to talk, don't press it. If you get one-word answers to your essay questions, make them multiple-choice questions. You know their lives well enough to find options, and will likely hit on the one that is causing their upset. Some children also respond better to hypotheticals about their behavior. They are more comfortable talking about someone else with their issues than about themselves. Allow them to have productive or quality alone time, but not to the excess of isolating.

Help them find opportunities for healthy social interaction, such as church, scouting, or other interest club activities. Normal, actor outer, actor inner. They will always be your child. and you will always love them through any growing pains they encounter. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores.

More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.