Being there for your kids - Let Your Timeout Punishment Be Stragetic

Episode Date: March 3, 2019

A timeout for our children is only meant to be an opportunity for her to cool her jets and think about alternative behavior. Where punishment is warranted, a timeout can morph into a restriction or a natural consequence to correct the bad behavior. If timeouts are given just to get some peace and quiet, the fix will only be temporary. As a rule of thumb, limit your child's timeout to no more than minutes that equal no more than twice her age. So a 10 year old would top out at a 20 minute timeout. Check frequently with your child during their timeout to assure the time is being used wisely and for reflection. Here's where active listening is your best friend. Before ending the timeout, ask her how she could have done things differently and avoided the timeout altogether.

This is Teachable Moments. I'm Dr. John Robinson. All families have consequences for their children. One of the consequences is timeouts. The question is, how much works the best? After my grandparents passed, we inherited a fireside bench. It was nice, cushioned, and about four feet long, comfortable. We put it in our living room. However, in short order, it became the location for timeout punishment for our kids. Son, really go to the bench. After a while in use, the bench became our hallmark for timeout. Our kids would just see my look without words and acknowledge, I know, dad, go to the bench with the required sigh of consternation. I actually studied the impact of timeout on troubled kids as part of my doctoral research. I compared five minute and 30 minute timeouts in a classroom setting

where students were all troubled kids. I measured self-esteem, understanding of the consequence, and relationship with the teacher. With the longer timeout, the student's self-esteem went down. they were clueless about why they were in timeout, and the teacher became the enemy. A general will of thumb is to give a length of timeout no longer than twice your child's age. So, a 10-year-old boy would top out at 20 minutes timeout. Be sure, however, to check on your child every five minutes or so, using your active listening to help lower his emotional fever during the timeout. Finally, before a timeout is completed, ask your child these questions.

So, son, what did you specifically do that got you this timeout? How did that work for you? What could you have done to have avoided this timeout? In the event that you have these feelings or circumstances again, what are you going to do differently so that we don't have to have this conversation again? Given the severity of the behavior, your child could have both a timeout and a consequence. Timeout is simply designed to give him space to think about what just happened, cool as jets, and come back to the family with a calmer head.

A natural consequence following a timeout provides a choice point for your child. Is it worth it to me to act out again or can I handle it? better. Such natural consequences might include giving apology, verbal or written, returning the item, writing definitions related to the behavior, or other behavior that helps the problem be a learning experience for your child. How much timeout works best? The shorter, the better, but make sure it's strategic so that it will be another teachable moment. I'm Dr. John Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building blocks of Christian parenting is available online at Amazon Books.com and in local and national

bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.