Being there for your kids - Letting Go is Hard to Do

Episode Date: August 2, 2019

And you thought helping your child stand and walk, get his homework done, making friends was the hardest part of parenting. Nope. It's simply letting go. Letting your child try and fail is a better lesson than doing it for them. The best lesson we will ever teach our children is how to handle their own problems well. When a lesson opportunity comes up, instead of jumping in with "no" or just giving her the answers, ask, "Well, how do you think you should handle this situation?" Brainstorm together, active listen her concerns, ask permission to give any ideas you might have, but let the outcome be hers, but with your supervision and built-in accountability. This is what I call the Principle of Responsible Freedom. I will give you the freedom you request, and expect you to be responsible. If at any time you are irresponsible, then I will pull back on the freedom. Even the hardest part of parenting can be a teachable moment.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Did you know the hardest part of parenting is letting go? Also, letting go as a parent starts with your child's birth. What? I thought letting go started when our child left home for college or to otherwise start their adult life. Well, that's a big one, for sure. But there are everyday ones of less significance that go way back to your child's birth. It's 2 a.m.

Little Joy was fed by his mom at 12 midnight, and yet he is up and awake in his bassinet just two hours later. What to do? First, distinguish that crying sound. Is that a feed-me cry? And I'm poopy cry? And I want your attention cry? Some cries require immediate parental attention, others not so much. Crying babies who want mama's attention may be better soothed by learning how to self-comfort themselves back to sleep,

Within reason. An early version of parental letting go. Allison comes to her mom while she is making dinner. She stands there for a moment, looking at her mom. What? Mom exclaims. Allison bats her eyelashes, pauses, and links her arm in her moms. Brandy and I were wondering if we could go to the concert downtown this weekend. A whole bunch of us are going.

It'll be fun. Please. Mama's making an effort to give her 16-year-old daughter some space. Allison is an A student, plays on the school field hockey team, and rarely gives them trouble. But downtown is a scary place. There are bad places where drug deals are common and a lot of bars where trouble can be found. Can Mom trust Allison to make good decisions and be safe? The answer is yes and no.

In my book, Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, I devote a whole chapter to the principle of responsible freedom. That is, we give our children as much freedom as they demonstrate responsibility for. If and when they become irresponsible, we pull back on the freedom until our trust returns and they learn from their error. If mom gives her daughter a blanket OK with no guidelines, that's too much letting go. While getting grown, Allison does not have enough experience with responsibility and safety to navigate those troubled waters. If mom says okay but gives strict, safe guidelines and words of caution, then that gives her daughter an opportunity to get the experience she needs to become a fully functioning, responsible, independent adult. However, instead of giving her the checklist, make it a teachable moment. Engage your daughter in a discussion about what needs to happen for her fun excursion to be safe.

Then help Allison come up with guidelines such as make sure you have a full tank of gas, Park in the arena parking lot. Stay together as a group. No side trips or after concert activities. Keep your cell phone charged and on. And check back with me several times and be home by curfew. This type of teachable moment demonstrates the parent exercising the principle of responsible freedom with the teen. The key is building in accountability and supervision measures to help ensure a positive outcome.

Letting go is the most critical part of the first critical part of. of healthy, effective parenting. Through God's grace and our hard work, we can convey the principle of responsible freedom to our children and help them practice being a functional adult while they are still under our authority. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting,

and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at Amazon. Books.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.