Being there for your kids - Making Birthdays Special

Episode Date: July 29, 2021

Birthdays can and should be always special. Be creative. Think outside the box. Sometimes, circumstances need to be considered as well. My first reader wrote with questions on how to stop a potential train wreck, with their son's grandparents taking charge. Setting boundaries and being assertive while also being appreciative is the message of the day. My next letter was from a mom whose twin 10 year olds want to do things differently this year. Handling twinship while encouraging individual identity is the message here. Blessings, Jon

I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. I have a few more letters for you today. Here's the first one. Dear Dr. Robinson, I have a rambunctious four-year-old boy. He has no brothers or sisters yet. He has one speed, 100 miles per hour. His fifth birthday is coming up, and he's so excited that he's beside himself. My parents live close by, and they've planned an all-out day-long party.

They told him no rules on his birthday, because it's his special day, no punishment for anything he does. I gave my mama the sternest stare I could muster, but she said they'd pay for everything, and, after all, he's only five once. My son has a laundry list of presents and activities, and friends. He wants for his birthday bash. If I can't stop this train wreck waiting to happen, how can I manage it, and minimize the fallout? Signed, Off the Rails, Mom. Dear, Off the Rails, ah, grandparents, you got to love them. Of course, you know they mean well, but in your wisdom, you ask, at what cost? Sounds like the birthday celebration will have a hefty price tag in and of itself. My concern, however, is the emotional and relational cost to all involved.

Before all of this gets set in motion, you and your husband need to have a sit-down with your parents. This is where you practice setting healthy boundaries and being assertive. Without intending to rain on your parents' parade, and they will be up for the best grandparents ever award after this day-long bash. Help your parents appreciate the enormity of the undertaking their planning. It's been a long time since they've had to corral a herd of five-year-olds. Be specific in your presentation. Use what I call the OREO consulting method. That is, start with your concerns, add your appreciation and good wishes,

and conclude with your restated concerns. Basic message is that you love that they can do this for their only grandchild, but it's on them. If it were my child, I'd plan for him to go over. early and sleep over at grandparents' home. You can offer help in planning, but no splitting expenses and no supervising at the party. This makes the day a win-win. Grandparents get all the kudos, and you and hubby get quality time. Before or after the big day, plan a private family birthday party distinguishing from the birthday bash. One event for the three of you, maybe out to breakfast, and each one gives one special personal gift and card to your son, with all the hoopla of his

birthday bash, I'm betting quality time with his folks will be the part of the day he remembers. The risk of these kinds of show-stopping events is that each year has to outdo the previous year. When does it all stop? Also, the focus seems to be on the event, how much and how big, rather than on the relationship. Finally, the no rules, no consequences because it's your birthday is an invitation for your son to act out, no matter how cute and conforming he might be. In my book, Teachable Moments, blocks of Christian parenting, I devote a whole chapter to the premise that children will always test the limits. They test them to be sure that they are there. Children need parents and grandparents to be in charge with rules and with consequences that are enforced. It's how they practice

being in grown-up world with accountability and responsibilities. Keeping the birthday bash at grandma's home, you maintain your rules and consequences within your home and remind your son after the bash that house rules are back in effect. Hopefully after the celebrations, you and junior will be back on the rails. Good luck. Blessings, Dr. John. Here's another one. Dear Dr. Robinson, we have identical twin girls born to us on Christmas Eve 10 wonderful years ago. They are BFFs to each other. They prefer dressing identically, and they like tricking others about who's who. Now that they are getting older, I try to help them distinguish who they are as individuals. Birthdays are particularly challenging in this regard, both because they share the day and also because their birthday

bumps right up against Christmas. Any suggestions? Signed, two peas in a pod. Dear two peas, good for you for trying to help them distinguish who they are as individuals. Twinship is exciting, engaging, yet challenging as well. They are individuals who just happen to look alike. I'm sure that you and other family members know their tells, but it sounds like they love being twins. Developmentally, children enter a transition in personal identity during ages 10 to 12. They are getting ready for adolescents. To age 10, mom and dad are the best thing since sliced bread. Children want to be just like them when they grow up. During latency ages of 10 to 12, the jury's out. They know they are changing, but they don't know what to do about it. With adolescence, until about age 18 or so, most teens want to be just the opposite of mom and dad. That's not necessarily a bad thing. This is when they are forming just who they will be for a lifetime. As they move into this developmental phase, be sure they know that their identity is not an either or. question. They can be both a twin and an individual. As for the dilemma around their birthday and their holidays, have a sit down with them, a family meeting several weeks before the big day, get their

ideas about how they could celebrate differently this year. Brainstorm where there is no bad idea so that you get the breadth of options. Everything, of course, ultimately must conform to your time and resource limitations. Help them think outside the box about how each could have an individual birthday experience while also being twins. Take their lead as much as possible. Also, even though time is of the essence, separate your holiday experience as much as possible from their birthday experience. I've known some families who just wrap all the presents for one occasion and label some happy birthday and others, Merry Christmas. Not a good idea. Separate the events, if at all possible. For example, if your house is already decorated for the season, maybe plan to have the birthdays

elsewhere. If two parties can be an option and the girls like that idea, see how that might be done, including each in the planning so that they own the outcome. Timing is of the essence as well. For example, some families open Christmas presents on Christmas Eve. Probably not a good idea in your case as it infringes on their day. Sleepovers are also out because other families will want everybody to wake up an open presents on Christmas Day. You could have a family birthday party on the date and a birthday sleepover party on the nearest weekend. Their physical identity is a gene thing, no changing that, but their feelings, temperament, attitude, and behavior are all very individual. Celebrate their twinship as they do,

but highlight how they are different in many ways as well. As they get toward adolescence and look to form an individual identity, they may want to dress differently, have different friends, go and do different things. That's okay. Use empathy and active listening as they seek your counsel to become the best individuals they can. Hope these thoughts are helpful to you. Blessings, Dr. John. If these letters stir questions of your own, contact me through my website at www. Thereformykids.com or email me at John Robinson 0.0.0.Belsouth. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed to clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments.

moments building blocks of Christian parenting is available online at amazonbooks.com and in local and national bookstores more on dr robinson at t mc pincm.com