Being there for your kids - Making Birthdays Speical

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

We all only get physically born once, so it's a big deal. The annual anniversary of our birth is the one day a year that we can claim as our own. As parents, we want our child's birthday to stand out as special. In the first letter, mom is hurt and saddened by her son being left out of another playmate's birthday party. Active listening his feelings and finding alternative ways to help that day be special will help him deal with a tough situation. From the second letter another mom wants suggestions about how to have 2 parties in a single day, with her daughter and her best friend wanting to move away from their joint birthday celebration. I suggest that mom is looking at a problem, when it is really a symptom. Redirecting her will put her more on target.

I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Birthdays are special times in families, and I have two letters today that speak more along these lines. Here's the first one. Dear Dr. Robinson, I love my little five-year-old Jack to Pieces. Also, my heart goes out to him. He's our only child, and he spends a lot of non-school time with me. I don't know if he's just painfully shy, a mama's boy, or if he might have some social anxiety or even Asperger's. I heard from a neighborhood mom that another five-year-old in the neighborhood is having a birthday party soon, and little Jack has not been invited. We are friends with the parents of this other boy, so Jack being left out really hurts. Suggestions? Signed, At a loss.

Dear Ada, my heart goes out to you as well as to Jack. Even if Jack were being excluded from this party, given the circumstances, you would hope that Jack's parents would step in to add him to the guest list and make it a teachable moment for their child. You gave several concerns for Jack's seeming lack of social skills. It's clear that you've put a lot of thought into this. Even as a fifth grader, my granddaughter wouldn't look at the restaurant's server, let alone order her own meal. I spent a lot of time coaching her, asking her what's the worst that could happen, and prompting her in new situations with peers to simply put her hand out and say, Hi, I'm Caitlin. What's your name?

To the extent possible, if it's painful shyness, anticipate and prep Jack for upcoming situations. practice in role rehearsal at home. If he might be a mama's boy, make sure his dad or other male caregiver has time with him, going on errands or doing guy things. Social anxiety and Asperger's are mental health conditions and likely not the case. However, if your concerns persist, you can have an evaluation to clarify them. To your immediate concern, if the parents of the birthday boy in the neighborhood are not amenable to stepping up, then plan an alternative fun thing that you folks can do as a family during the time of the party Jack wasn't invited to. Active listen Jack's feelings to the extent that he has tuned into the slight and make it a fun day to counterbalance his potential

hurt feelings. Finally, as Jack gets older, find group activities where he can participate, such as Cub Scouts, Sunday school class, library groups, and other structured adult supervised activities. Hang in there. Blessings, Dr. John. Here's another letter. Dear Dr. Robinson, My eight-year-old daughter and her best friends share the same birthday. They each want to feel special on their day and don't want a joint birthday party. Our two families are all best friends with each other, and the joint birthday party has been the norm for years. So now what? Signed, Baffled. Dear Baffled, are you all up for two parties on the same day?

Flip a coin to see who hosts the party for lunch and who hosts the one for dinner. Have your daughters be involved in the process of invitation, theme, favorite, cake and the like. Promote each feeling special for their part of the day. They may be conspiring to just yank your chain. If so, when you start the process, either child might just ask to go back to the joint birthday party plans. If that doesn't happen, forge ahead. It sounds like the driving force here is about feeling special. Draw your daughter out on what that means to her, and if separate birthday parties on the same day is not feasible, brainstorm with her how she can feel special for her part of the joint party. It sounds like you're getting caught up in your daughter's solution when

her request is really a symptom. As you talk with her, work into the conversation in the question, so, I hear what you're saying, but I'm wondering what else is going on. Children usually don't do well with such essay questions. When you get a blank stare or other non-starter response, follow up with a multiple choice question. You know her well enough to come up with other reasons as to why she's not feeling so special enough. After this discussion, I'm sure you won't feel so baffled. Blessings, Dr. John. If these letters stir questions of your own, contact me at my website, www.org, thereformykids.com, or email me at John Robinson 0.0.BelSouth.net. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist, and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building

Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Numbers. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.