Being there for your kids - Me Time Helps Teens Grow

Episode Date: September 4, 2019

        Just how much "me time" should your teen have? My learned answer is, "that depends."  Teens need me time, to figure out what they like, what they want, who they are. In terms of personality development, we parents are responsible for 80% of the personalities our children develop, and that happens before they are age 5. Between ages 5 and 15, 15% of their personality comes from their peer group, predominantly at school and recreational/sporting events. The remaining 5% of our children's personality is original and develops between ages 15 and 25. They put the finishing touches on who they are becoming as an adult. Constructive me time helps them do that. If your teen is a good student, responsible, accountable, helpful, and engaging, then his me time is well earned and part of his growing process. If these qualities are not in place, and he uses me time to shut out the world, or to enter the mindless activity of gaming, texting, and finding trouble, then confront, active listen, coordinate, and help him out of his hole. Productive me time can help teens find the finishing touches of themselves, and you can be available as a sounding board to advise and consult.

I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Let's talk a bit about teen me time. Sometimes we all need a little me time. You know, time when you get to yourself and just think or be or do something by yourself. I have a little coffee table book that I started using as part of my morning devotional. The title is Positivity by Compendium 2011. Positivity is the feeling of joy and optimism that comes when you stop and take a moment to restore and nurture yourself.

There's a quote per page intended to inspire thought and perspective. For example, be still for a moment. The world will wait. Lean into the unknown with faith. Make room for new miracles. In our hectic lives, how important is that? 17-year-old Casey spends what seems to be all of his time in his bedroom with the door closed. His mom and dad sometimes joke with him about it,

occasionally knock and open the door to check on him, but generally leave him alone. Is Casey getting teen me time? Should his mom and dad be concerned about how much time he seems to be in his room? Let me give you a resounding, that depends. As in most things, context is essential. First, Casey is 17. That puts him squarely in the space of finding himself. In clinical terms, that means establishing an individual identity. He's not going to be just like mom or dad. He's not going to be the opposite of mom or dad. He's looking for who Casey is, and he needs time and circumstances to take that introspective journey. All teens take this journey. As parents, your concerns are tempered according to your teen's priorities and activities.

Is Casey struggling in school? Does he have few friends or is mixed up with the wrong crowd? Is he making a point of shutting you out of his life? This could be trouble waiting to happen and you have a right to be concerned. Is he gaming online, texting, nonstop, shopping, YouTubeing? On the other hand, is he getting good grades in school? Is he socially engaged? And does he include you in his activities,

or at least does family things together occasionally? You've got a keeper there, worthy of your pride, praise, and reinforcement. Is he reading, researching, getting homework done, or tending to a personal hobby or interest? This would indicate personal growth, expansion, exploration, and discussion. all of which are kindred to establishing an individual identity. Teen Me-Time can either be part of the

problem or part of the solution. In any case, touch base frequently by knocking on his door and entering his room with permission, of course. If you get a rude or dismissive response, note, wow, where did that come from? What's going on, son? Then switch to active listening and or follow-up later when he's more receptive. Also, establish regular family time like meals, together, vacations, and other certain joint interest events. Even though your teen is on a personal journey to establish his individual identity, he is still and will always be part of your family. You still serve an essential advice and consult function on his journey to adulthood. Teachable moments abound. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian

author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, and this has been Teachable moments. Teachable moments, building blocks of Christian parenting is available online at amazon books.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at tmcpinc.com.