Being there for your kids - More of the Same? Try Something Else.

Episode Date: March 31, 2019

Okay. You've learned about active listening when your child is upset. You've got the "you feel" down pat. Even though you are on target, a repetitive "you feel" statement fro you could well annoy your child or, worse, be tuned out with a dismissive "whatever!" The key to helpful active listening is not only reflecting back to your child what you believe she is feeling. It is also tuning in nonverbally, perhaps a hug?, as well as verbally, with feelings. Most importantly, be creative and dare to be different with your words and presentation. "It sounds like you're..." "I'm not sure I'm hearing you right. Is it...?", "Wow! You're really..." Such variations tells your child that you are really trying to capture what's going on with her and not just trying to score points with "you feel..." When you notice her emotional fever going down, then you can switch to problem-solving with her permission. "I've got some thoughts about how you can handle this. Do you want to hear them?"  Now you are connecting with her in her emotional pain and helping her move past it without owning it yourself. Dare to be different.

Hi, this is Teachable Moments. I'm Dr. John Robinson. I encourage you as parents to dare to be different with your children. I've talked with you at length about how active listening is the go-to response when your child has an emotional fever. Emotional fevers come in all shapes and sizes, a verbal outburst, defiance, silence, being mean to siblings, exclamations like, not fair, and all of these other kinds of behaviors indicate feelings that are going inside your child. If they are not expressed in helpful words, then they will continue to come out in unhelpful behavior. In your active listening response, be creative with your words and dare to be different. Ten-year-old Emily comes in from outside and slams the door behind her. Recognizing an active listening moment, you comment, you feel angry.

You won't believe what else just said to me. You feel surprised. Whatever. She's so mean. You feel rejected. With exasperation, Emily Huff's mom will you get off the you feel kick? going through the motions of active listening with repeatedly leading in with you feel will shortly fall on deaf ears. Emily just knows that Mama is trying to restate her feelings, but not trying to be with her in her emotional pain.

Emily comes in from the outside and slams the door. Wow, that was loud. Everything okay, dear? No, it's not okay. Alice just called me a freak because I got my haircut short. It sounds like Alice hurt your feelings by calling you names. Raising her voice, Emily clenches her fists and sobs. mean. Mama gathers her into her arms, stroking her hair and acts, Alison, you are best friends. It really makes you sad when she says thoughtless things and you don't know what to do. By words and actions, Mama is being with Emily in her emotional pain. The words are varied responses to what Mama sees and hears from Emily. Emily may cry for a short while in her mama's arms and then Mama will notice her emotional fever going down.

Crisis calmed more quickly and then they can think about problem solving. Because Mama was creative in her words and actions, she dared to be different. Emily is more willing and able to find a good solution. I'm Dr. John Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian parenting author, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, building blocks of Christian parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.