Being there for your kids - Navigating Cars and Bullies

Episode Date: November 14, 2021

All of our kids know more than we think they know. When we are faced with adversity, share with them in an age-appropriate way. In my first letter, dad feels bad about not being able to afford a used car for his younger son, after having gotten one for his older son when times were better for the family. Active listening his frustration and jointly problem-solving options will be helpful. In my second letter mom fears her 6th grade son being bullied by eighth graders in middle school. Being a "helicopter parent" never works, and deprives our children of figuring things out for themselves. Instead of "doing for," consider offering wise counsel and brainstorm what to do if bullying occurs.

I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. I have a few more letters for you today. Here's the first one. Dear Dr. Robinson. Okay, here's the deal. We have two sons, Jason and Jacob, ages 18 and 15, respectively. When Jason turned 16 two years ago, our lives weren't turned upside down by the pandemic and a crashing economy. Since then, I've spent three months in the hospital battling COVID-19 and lost my job to boot.

My wife still works, picking up extra shifts whenever the opportunity arises, but we're barely scraping by. So, when Jason turned 16, we were able to buy him a used car. He was beside himself. It needed some extra fixing up, but he's handy like that. Now, Jacob anticipates a car for his upcoming 16th birthday as well. He's looking at used cars in the area, sizing them up and getting all excited with his friends. I hate to disappoint him, but money's just not there. Any ideas? Signed at a loss. Dear Ada, on his country hit music song, The Gambler,

Kenny Rogers used to sing about, if it weren't for bad luck, he'd have no luck at all. With the double whammy of major illness and job loss, I'm sure you can identify. The way you describe your situation, though, you make it sound like your boys have been bystanders in your lives. As much as you and your wife may have tried to shield them from your adversity, I've got to tell you, they've been right there with you, as much as possible. I bet they texted you when you were in the hospital and catered to you after you got home to recuperate. They know you haven't been working for a while, and they know how hard it's been for all of you. So, you are not springing anything on Jacob with his not getting a car on his birthday.

Here's what you do. First, be totally honest with Jacob about not getting the car and why. Active listen to his frustrations, but I think you won't be telling him anything he doesn't already know. Second, brainstorm with him what options are there for him. With the economy on the rebound, many shops are hiring. Can he get a part-time job and save for a car? I imagine that Jason already works part-time while finishing up high school. Can the two of them share his car?

Would Jason want to upgrade his ride? Does he have enough put up to put down a down payment on another car if you co-sign a loan for him? These are a lot of tough questions, and none of them may work out. In the end, all you can do is all you can do. Jacob knows where your heart is. He may be disappointed at the short-term outcome. come, but all will survive, and his world will not come to an end. Blessings, Dr. John.

Here's another letter. Dear Dr. Robinson, my 12-year-old son, Alan, is in middle school this year. He's little for his age. He's smart, and I know he's adapting, but he has a smart mouth on him. I just know some eighth-grade bullies are throwing him into the school locker the first chance they get. Whenever I try to caution him about staying out of trouble, he dutifully listens to me, sighs, and then just says, ma, don't.

worry so much. I got this. I don't think he got any of it. Help, signed Moe Worries. Dear Mo, educator and authicator Jim Fay noted the various kinds of parents. One group he identified was helicopter parents. These are the ones who swoop in on their kids' behalf to keep them out of trouble. News flash, it doesn't work so well. I know that you have Alan's best interests at heart, but he's going to have to learn from his mistakes, and without your after-the-fact I told you so. So, rather than tell him what dangers you think lurk in middle school for him, how about just asking him a series of questions and let him think them out? He already knows some middle schoolers. What have they told him about his school? About the eighth graders. If you get in a tough spot,

what are you going to do? What help is available to you? What have you and your friends talked about as you make the transition to middle school? Other questions may come to mind as well. Keep the conversation going as long as Alan is involved as well. If he shuts you down, just let him know that you are there for him and you are proud of him and you have confidence that he's making good choices. Hope these thoughts are helpful. Parenting. You know the journey never ends.

If these letters stir questions of your own, contact me through my website at www. www.org, thereformykids.com, or email me at John Robinson 0.0.Belsouth.net. I'm Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.