Being there for your kids - Navigating Troubled Times

Episode Date: May 1, 2021

Starting school and starting the teen years are two troubled times for all kids. Parents are tasked with helping them navigate these difficult terrains. In the first letter for today, I heard from a mom who wants tips on helping a good teen keep up the good work in school. Praise and revising homework patterns come to mind. In the second letter, the mom of a 5 year old victim of bullying in kindergarten is frantic to stop her child from being bullied. Practicing helpful confrontation and also asking the classroom teacher to have the guidance counselor give an anti-bullying presentation to the class will go a long way toward keeping her precious away from bullying.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. I have a few more letters for you today. Here's the first one. Dear Dr. Robinson, I'm at my wits end. My 13-year-old son is very bright and gets good grades in school. However, it's not because he gets his homework done well. Getting him to settle down and get busy is like pulling teeth. We have a set time for homework, but frequently he says he doesn't have any. He gets mostly A's and B's. Oftentimes, he just doesn't bring any books home at all. Study for tests, book reports, term papers, all last minute for him. I'm tired of the homework wars. Help! Signed, Battleweary.

Dear Battleweary, what a dilemma. If your son were failing at school or a frequent troublemaker, you could just come down on him like gangbusters. What I see as critical here is that he is a good student. So, what's going on? At 13, Junior is entering adolescence. Developmentally, that means he's trying to figure himself out. find an individual identity. For children younger than age 10, parents are the best thing since sliced bread.

We can do no wrong, and our kids are obedient because they want our blessing. From age 10 to 12, the jury's out. This is called latency age, which means not a child and not a teen. The new developmental term is tweener. At this age, children have their own ideas, but mostly conform to ours. Sometimes they want to be just like mom and dad, and sometimes just opposite of mom and dad. With adolescence, most teens want to be opposite of mom and dad. This is the Sturm undrong, or the storm and stress of forming an individual identity.

It's where, as a parent, you want your son to begin making his own decisions, but with accountability and supervision. If his grades are, in fact, all A's and B's, that's great. That means all of you are doing something right, and you want to convey your pride to him and his abilities. However, in teachable moments building blocks of Christian parenting, I caution that children always test the limits and that they never mean what they say. Therefore, believe what they do more so than what they say. In politics, the foreign policy wonks talk about trust but verify. So, get on his teacher's computer portals and check his grades online or in conversation with his teachers. Also, as a new teenager, consider revising your rules to allow your son more latitude. in completing his homework. You can prompt, but don't hover. Another concept I share with folks is the principle of responsible freedom, that is, give your son as much freedom to complete his tasks in his time and manner, as he demonstrates responsibility for keeping his grades up. If he demonstrates irresponsibility, then you have a right to pull back on his freedom. At his age,

though, problem-solving is a joint endeavor. To impose your will may lead to solid non-compliance and emotional distance. Hope this is helpful. blessings, Dr. John. Here's another letter. Dear Dr. Robinson, My kindergartner is being bullied on the playground at school. She's a dainty, sensitive little girl, and her tormentor is a tomboy. The tomboy knows that what she's doing to Avis is not right.

I know this because she does it on the sly, and the teacher never catches her bullying my little girl. My husband wants Ava's to man up and fight this girl. He even has gotten boxing gloves and shown her some punches. Ava's just melts into tears, throwing the boxing gloves down, and runs to her room. Because the tormentor is athletic and respectful to adults, her teacher thinks she's all that, and not a bully. She seems to have singled Avis out because other mothers in the class report their child is not her victim. Any suggestions? Signed out of options.

Dear out, my heart goes out to you and your precious little girl. As you may know, most schools have strict policies to stop bullying. Even if Avis's teacher is in disbelief of her being a bully victim, you can request that the school counselor come to the class and give a presentation to the whole class about bullying and how to confront it and avoid it. That's your right as Avis's parent. Also, while I appreciate Hubby's perspective, Avis has made it very clear that she's not going to defend herself. Additionally, many schools have a zero-tolerance policy on fights indicating that both parties get punished. So, defense, herself might make her point, but with consequence to her. Nonetheless, what's going on does require action on Avis's part. First, use your active listening tools to help Avis talk about her feelings. Your empathy will help her focus on how the bullying makes her feel. When you see her emotional tension going down, switch to, So, what do you think we should do about this? Even at age five, she needs to be included in a problem solving. Second, use role play with Avis to help her reenact the bullying

behavior, you play the bully. This gives you an opportunity to help Avis use her words to confront the bully behavior. I'm telling is not sufficient or effective confrontation. Something as simple as saying stop with the accompanying hand gesture will surprise the bully and may work. Because the teacher doesn't see the bullying, it's important for Avis to hang closely with her good friends in the class. Like a predatory jungle cat, bullies tend to single out the weakest of the herd. If the tormenting is witnessed by one or more other children, the teacher is more likely to confront the bully. Finally, while not excusing the behavior, bullies tend to have stuff and feel powerless, insecure, and inadequate elsewhere in their lives. Here you can help Avis have empathy for her

tormentor and consider ways she might make her tormentor her friend. Also, you and or the teacher or counselor might follow up with the bully's parents to help put the behavior in context and offer options. Again, active listening will ease the parents' embarrassment and defensiveness that their parenting is being called in the question. Good luck. Blessings, Dr. John. If these letters stir questions of your own, contact me through my website at www.org, thereforemykids.com, or email me at John Robinson 0.0. at bell-south.net. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, building blocks of Christian parenting,

is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.