Being there for your kids - Ordinal Issues in YourFamily

Episode Date: January 14, 2024

Did you know? Your child's sibling place in your family matters. First-borns, middle children, and youngest child all have certain personality traits in part because of their position in the family. In this piece, I underscore those traits according to birth order and encourage parenting patterns for each child that takes their birth order into consideration. Hope this is helpful. Blessings, Jon

I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. I have some thoughts for you today on birth order in your family. So the question, how do ordinal issues affect your family? Okay, so what are ordinal issues? Think of the root word order. Ordinal issues have to do with the birth order of your children. There are typical personality characteristics that are affected by birth order. usually the firstborn child is the most responsible of your children also since that one is your first and you've never parented before the firstborn is the experimental one most new parents use what they know or have experienced when you've been blessed with good parents you want to parent your own children just like you experienced being parented if you were victimized as a child by bad parents you imagine parenting just the opposite of how you were parented however if you

you've been severely traumatized by your parents to get through it, some kids deal with that by concluding that that's just how parenting is. Without proper guidance, these kids often become as troubled as their parents. Firstborns are rule conscious because they don't want to upset their parents and because all of parental attention, of course, is on them. Their parents are experimental in their parenting because they've never done this before and they don't have a good grasp on effective parenting. So they wing it and continue what works. When the second child comes along, depending on age difference, firstborns either have a new playmate or their responsibility gene kicks in and they become their sibling's surrogate parent. Both options are typically

reinforced by their parents. Look at you playing so nicely with your brother. You're such a mama's little helper. Thank you for looking out for your brother. Research on ordinal relationships suggest that if your children are closer than three years apart in age, parents get a two-for-one special and the kids benefit from basically growing up together. If the siblings are greater than three years apart, the firstborn is more likely to embrace the responsible surrogate role with their sibling. The greater birth difference also brings into picture their differing developmental issues. Your second child, as the younger one, is more likely to be spoiled, testing limits, questioning your authority or parenting decisions.

This, of course, requires more of your parental attention to rein this child in and encourage him to conform to your expectations. Having begun the parenting journey with your firstborn, parents are less likely to be experimental with their secondborn. You have figured out what works best. If and when a youngest child is born, your second child becomes the middle child. Middle children have a mixed blessing. On one hand, middle children are usually more social, more inquisitive, more curious. On the other hand, middle children are often considered, quote, lost, and middle kids can get lost in the shuffle of the family.

Accordingly, they often are attention-seeking and can be at greater risk for acting out. After all, negative attention is better than no attention. The youngest child in your family most frequently test the limits. They can be more demanding of your attention, often playing the cute factor. They want to be included in all things older and adult. Parents want to set healthy boundaries with them and stick to them. They often learn things faster because the middle and firstborn siblings have already been there, done that. Youngest children have the benefit of their siblings' experiences.

If your family has expanded beyond three children, then there are more kids vying for your attention. Firstborn and youngest roles tend to continue while middle child roles are shared among the middle children. Jealousy becomes a factor as new children are added to the mix. all of the children look for their place in the mix. Regardless of ordinal issues, depending on the size of your family, be sure to carve out one-on-one time daily with each of your children, according to their needs and wants. Also, keep sacred certain whole-family time and activities.

These become touch tones that everybody learns to count on and define you as a thriving unit, despite individual nuances. Such sacred family time and activity, can include having dinner as a family around the dinner table each night. This becomes check-in and catch-up time to keep all on the same page. Additional whole-family events include annual vacations and holiday traditions. Hope these comments are helpful. Blessings, Dr. John.

If these comments stir questions of your own, contact me through the website at www. thereformykids.com or email me at john robinson zero zero at bell south.net. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and author of Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. This has been Teachable Moments. Teachingable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at amazonbooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.