Being there for your kids - Parental Respect Is Earned

Episode Date: February 22, 2020

While many families mistakenly believe that parental respect is a right and deserved regardless, such beliefs put that family at risk. Parental respect is earned by our words and actions. Many parents use fear to command respect from their children. However, we can use active listening, healthy boundaries, and direction to earn the respect of our children. When we fear and power to demand respect, the relationship is lost and kids are just going through the motions to survive a difficult situation. When we focus on relationship, not power, a mutual respect grows and thrives.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. You know, parental respect is earned, not given. Recently, I posted my top 10 tips for parenting success. Now I'm elaborating on each item on the list. Parenting tip number three is this. Earn your child's respect with active listing, healthy boundaries, and direction. The Wilson family only got to eat dinner together about three times per week because of multiple schedule issues. After-school activities, early evening activities, varied work schedules for both parents,

all conflicted with dinner at one time or another. For Dad, Roger, who was away the most, that gave family meals together special meaning. Henry, age eight, conspicuously had his hands on his lap under the table, while glancing back and forth from his meal to his lap. Henry, son, dad started gently. What's you doing there in your lap? Henry stopped short, head popping up. Uh, nothing?

He took a bite from his plate. Does nothing include gaming on your iPhone while we're all eating dinner? Nope. Son, are you lying to me right now? Uh, whatever. It's no big deal. Up until now, in the conversation, Roger had been making effort to connect with Henry and to gently redirect him.

Now he has a choice point on which hangs his son's level of respect for him. He could say, excuse me, young man, don't whatever your father, and don't lie to me. That would command Henry's attention, but likely generate fear rather than respect. Alternatively, he could say, Son, our all having a meal together is really special to me because we don't get to do it very often. When you try to game in your lap while we eat, it feels like you're not here at all. I miss you enough anyway. Can we at least enjoy this meal together?

Give me your phone for now. You can have it back after we all finish the meal. Hopefully, this heartfelt response from Dad would lead to Henry's consideration, and respect for dad's wishes, not fear, indignation, and disrespect. This is a healthy boundary and direction. If Henry continues to fuss, Roger would switch to active listening to lower Henry's emotional fever and then return to his boundary and direction. While we assume that our children respect us, respect is not a given.

It's earned by how we treat them and how we relate to our children. It's also completely a two-way treat. Times of mutual respect are bountiful and teachable moments. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of the book, Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.