Being there for your kids - Personalizing birthdays in your family

Episode Date: September 5, 2021

Hi. I'm glad to be back after vacation. My first letter to me today comes from a mom who is puzzled over whether or  not to allow a boy/girl birthday party for her 13 year old daughter. I encourage them to talk it through thoroughly and advise her daughter of the Principle of Responsible Freedom in planning for her big day. In the second letter, "Stuck" fears giving her 10 year old son a surprise birthday party that may undo him. Active listening is the tool for this mom, to help her son sort through all of his feelings about the event and to include him in the details. Blessings, Dr. Jon

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. It's been a while since I've offered some letters to you. That's what vacation will do. Now I have some more. Here's the first one. Dear Dr. Robinson, okay, so my 13-year-old daughter, Amy, says she wants a boy-girl birthday party this year. Up to this point in her life, she has always opted for a girlfriend's sleepover. I'm good with pajamas, nachos and cheese dip, popcorn, and silly teenage movies.

My folks wouldn't even let me date until I was 16 years old. I know her hormones are raging. I overhear her and her friends talk about all the cute guys at school all the time. So, what's my play here? Do I say no to the boy-girl birthday party? Do I allow it? Am I the designated bad guy or good guy? Signed, so confused.

Dear So, I know what you're going through, so I can call you by your first name. So? L-O-L. Anyway, I think you are overthinking all of you. this. It gives me a headache. Let's go back to the beginning. Amy asks if she can have a boy-girl birthday party for her 13th birthday. Why that? Why now? This isn't a question you have to answer by yourself. Certainly get her father's input, but more importantly, use the question as a launching point into a teachable moment. In general, parents want to follow the principle of responsible freedom in these

circumstances. That is, you give Amy as much freedom as she demonstrates responsibility. If she becomes irresponsible, then you pull back on the freedom. To the point at hand, if she is generally a responsible, engaging, cooperative daughter, then her request gives you opportunity to exercise this principle. However, with freedom comes accountability and supervision. Instead of simply telling Amy yes or no, sit her down with, well, sweetheart, let's talk about what that would look like and how it would happen. Take her lead in talking about the guest list, food, entertainment options, clean up all the details. If she's thinking make-out session with all the lights out, that's a no-brainer. Hard no. But within reason, it is her party. Be present, but not obvious. If this is a new thing for

her crew, consider her sending out E-vites and getting RSVPs to plan ahead. Done well and cooperatively, the planning will be as much fun as the party for both of you. Let me know how it goes. Blessings, Dr. John. Here's another letter. Becoming 10 years old is a big deal in our family. Double-digit years and all. Our youngest, Adam, is reaching that milestone soon. We want to give him a surprise birthday party with his friends and family at a local theme park. Adam has been a guest at surprise parties in the past for his older siblings and has had fun with it all. However, since it's kind of a family thing, he expects a surprise party for his birthday. The thing is, he says he hates surprises. He's a bit anxious in general and self-conscious around crowds and when he's the center of attention.

So, I understand where he's coming from. Question. Do we honor his request for a normal birthday celebration, or go all out like we usually do? Signed, stuck. Dear Stuck. Quick, snarky question. Whose birthday celebration is it? If it is Adams, and these are his wishes, then I encourage you to honor his wishes.

If he regrets his decision after the fact, then that's a lesson learned. Thing is, you describe his personality in such a way that a surprise could be very unsettling for him. He probably doesn't like kids jumping out of hiding at him and saying, boo, either. If the surprise party is the family excuse to have a big bash together, then have the fun time, just not with a surprise to Adam. To get an accurate reading of what Adam really wants and why, use your active listening skills to tune into his feelings. As he opens up, ask, and what else, until you get the full picture, concluding with,

Is that everything? Taking time and making effort to understand his needs and feelings could end up being the best birthday gift ever for Adam, and you are not so stuck anymore. By the way, happy birthday, Adam. Blessings, Dr. John. If these letters stir questions of your own, contact me through my website at www.org,

thereformykid.com, or email me at John Robinson,000 at bell-south.net. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist, and Christian author of Teachable Moments, building blocks of Christian parenting, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, building blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores.

More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.