Being there for your kids - Preparing for the New in the Family

Episode Date: July 8, 2021

Two of the letters I received this week both involve handling the new in family functioning. In the first letter, Adam's parents are aghast by 2 yr old Benjy is dealing with newborn brother Adam. I encourage these folks to look at Benjy's behavior not as problematic, but rather as symptomatic. In the second letter, mom is feeling underappreciated as her brood gripe about getting ready for the new school year at summer's end. Active listening, followed by family problem-solving does the trick.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. I have a few more letters for you today. This first one is from a couple who just had a newborn baby. Dear Dr. Robinson, my husband and I just brought our newborn home from the hospital. We are thrilled to have our third son. Adam's brothers are two and six years old. Benji, our two-year-old, seems very jealous of his baby brother. He wants to hold him.

He keeps his hands in Adam's face. We tell him no and swipe his hands away. way and Benji just dissolves into tears. I fear we are making things worse, but we can't have this behavior from Benji toward his little brother, signed Going Crazy. Dear G.C., ah, sibling rivalry. It starts very young, doesn't it? You know, of course, that Benji is just curious. He wonders who this new person is. He's also jealous. He's not the center of attention anymore. He sees Adam as a threat and an interloper. And yet, what you describe both from Benji and from yourself, is all very normal and expected. From the siblings' perspective, newborns are both the best and the worst

thing ever to happen to them. Of course, your oldest son is able to somewhat be helpful to his new brother. You don't mention his issues, as I imagine he's protective and pitching in. Benji, on the other hand, is old enough to be mobile and curious, but not old enough to be considerate and helpful, at least not without close instruction and supervision. Here are my two cents. It's not too late to have a family meeting, all hands on deck, even Adam. Make your observations of concerns you have. Also normalize the changes in family and how all of you can manage these new things. Ask a lot of questions of your children.

What's different in the house? How does that make you feel? How can we all adjust to these differences? What can you do to help? How will things change over time? Because Adam and Benji are closer in age to each other than either is to your oldest, Benji doesn't yet understand that he has an emerging playmate and a best friend. friend in Adam. Benji's used to being the youngest in the family, so you need to help him understand

how his role is changing. Talk about how everybody needs attention and how the family can meet those needs while also keeping Adam safe and caring for him as the littlest and most vulnerable in the family. After clearing the air, you and your husband might want to create new rules for the house that account for Adam's arrival. Be sure to post any new rules you adopt and any time sharing that comes up. Many parents in multi-child homes make a effort to have one-on-one time with each child at some point each week, in addition to family time and activities. Congratulations on your new arrival. Hope these thoughts are helpful. Blessings, Dr. John. Here's another letter. It's from a mom who's feeling a bit underappreciated.

Dear Dr. Robinson, summer's been great. We are all exhausted, but in a good way. Of course, George and I are gearing up for our kids going back to school, but they don't want summer to end. We're getting a lot of pleading, begging, grouching, and sulking. Why can't they just feel good about all that we've done with and for them this summer and get ready to get back to school? Signed, pleased, but puzzled. Dear pleased, it sounds like you and George are on a different page than your kids. No surprise there. End of summer is the time of year when some families stumble into the school year with a lot of yelling and demanding.

That's no fun for anyone. The reality is that transition to new school year is a fact of life. It's going to happen whether all parties want it to or not. So what to do to ease the tension and pull together on transition? First, consider your children's behavior not so much as manipulation as evidence of their emotional fever. What to do with emotional fevers? That's right. Active listening. This is your opportunity to hear their feelings and feed them back to them.

As they feel heard, there will be less begging, pleading, grouching, and sulking. However, once their emotional fevers are down, switch to problem solving. They take the lead on how to effectively transition to the new school year, as they bring up non-starters and lapse into begging again, tenderly but purposefully, confront them. Go on another short vacation? No, why not? No, but what part of no, don't you understand? Actives in their frustration and then redirect. After you've established the boundaries, redirect the discussion toward what all of you can do to make a good transition. New school clothes, homework desk supplies, reminiscing good times, goals and objectives for the new school year, looking forward to reconnecting with school friends. Use a wall calendar posted in a common area like the kitchen or the den to spread out the family to-do list for school preparation. Heap lots of praise for cooperation and task completion.

Stick to your guns and spread the load. When the kids realize you mean business, they will embrace the tasks and gear up for the new school year. Hope these thoughts have been helpful. Blessings, Dr. John. If these letters stir questions of your own, contact me through my website at www.org, thereformykids.com, or email me at John Robinson, 0.0.Belsouth.net.

I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist, and author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at Amazon Booker. Books.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.