Being there for your kids - Problems? How Can You Tell?

Episode Date: November 1, 2019

Isn't it interesting that you just know when your child is having a problem? It's like your "spidey senses" tingle. It's great that you are that tuned into her, but what are you drawing on to figure it out? You child gives off both verbal and nonverbal signals when something is wrong. There's no pattern here, except that what she is saying and doing is typically not like her. In fact, some parents just come right out and ask, "Sweetheart, this isn't like you. What else is going on?" This podcast tells you about BMIRs, that is, Behavioral Manifestation of Internal Response. BMIRs tell the rest of the story and then you get the whole package. Problems will happen. Sometimes our kids are reluctant to share. It's a good thing when your spidey senses are on alert. When you get permission from your child, use your active listening to calm her down and then encourage her proactive problem-solving to help her tackle what's up.

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Let me ask you something. How do you tell when your child is having a problem? Sometimes the problems your child may be having are obvious. When she is tearful, yelling, and screaming, stomping her feet. Yep, that's pretty obvious that something's bothering her. More often, though, the signals are not so obvious. So, what triggers your spidey senses? When do you just know that something's up with her? In terms of all of our communication, there is an interplay between verbal cues and nonverbal cues. So, what your child doesn't say can sometimes be even more important than what she says. Eight-year-old Lacey seems unusually quiet. She just came in from playing outside with her friends. You had called her in for dinner. She goes to wash up without being told, and then comes to the table. She says, Grace, in a sing-song fashion, and digs into her food afterward. Your spidey senses are on alert. So, sweet, sweet,

heart, you ask, how is school today? Fine, Lacey responds between mouthfuls. You give her a few more specific questions to which she responds with little information, mostly one-word responses. You look across the table at her father, and you share a nod of agreement. You take a breath and say, Lacey, what's going on, baby? You seem a little off. A single tear falls from Lacey's cheek. As parents, we are tuned into our children's usual pitter-patter of behavior. When your child deviates from her norm, that may be your first clue that something's up. So if your child is usually upbeat and chatty and she turns silent or sullen, because that's different for her, it may be a clue that something's up. If she usually goes along to get along, but this time she's mouty and uncooperative,

another possible clue. Also, nonverbal communication can be very telling. As a therapist, I would look for beemers, that is, B-M-I-R-S. This is an acronym that stands for a behavioral manifestation of an internal response. For example, silence could mean, I don't want to talk about it. An eye roll could convey, really, give me a break. A cold stare could mean, don't go there. Interaction that is different for your child and her nonverbal beemers are tools you can use to tell when your child is having a problem. After making your observations and inviting her to talk about things, if she resists, give her space.

okay honey this all must be very hard for you right now but i respect your space just know that when you are ready to talk i'm here to listen when she is ready use your active listening to draw out her feelings and then encourage her problem solving after you see her emotional fever go down in these ways you are really there for her i'm dr jonathan c robinson licensed clinical psychologist and christian author of teachable moments building blocks of christian parenting and this has been teachable moments Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.