Being there for your kids - Setting boundaries and making good choices

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

     It's true, a developmental imperative, that our kids will always test the limits. Why is that? Well, by testing the limits, they know that the limits are there. Our kids live within the limits we set for them. Those limits help them be less anxious, less afraid, more secure. However such limits are only set when boundaries are secured. It's within these secure boundaries that our kids can practice making good choices for themselves.      When your child is on your last nerve, sit him down for some productive problem-solving. Start with "This isn't like you. What else is going on?" If you get a blank stare or a one-word answer, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know enough about your child's life to come up with several options of what could be stressing him. Use active listening to help lower his emotional fever. When you see him settled, ask permission to help out. That's when productive problem-solving can happen. The result is setting helpful boundaries within which your child can make good choices, and you will no longer have to live so close to your last nerve.

I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. You know, setting healthy boundaries and encouraging good choices help children feel more secure, less anxious, and relieved not to be in charge. In Chapter 3 of my book, Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, I affirm that children will test the limits. This is a developmental imperative. Why do they do this? To be sure the limits are there.

Lauren sat down with her daughter, Grace, to have breakfast. She fixed herself a bowl of fruit and some eggs for her daughter. As they were chatting about their coming days, Grace pushed her eggs back toward her mom, wrinkled her nose, and concluded, Yuck, I don't like these eggs. They're squishy inside. Can I have cereal instead?

Her mom dutifully put her eggs in the sink and then got Grace a bowl of cereal. She pushed the cereal around as she talked about the kids at school. Come on, Gracie, mom urged. Your time is running short now. Eat. Grace looked at her cereal. and then at her mom's fruit ball.

Nah, I think I want your fruit bowl. She switched her bowl with her moms and began devouring the fruit. Lauren rolled her eyes, sighed, and thought, and to think I went to all that schooling just to do shift work and become a short-order cook. Not much limit-setting here for Lauren, and Grace took advantage of it. Now, Mom may be thinking, at least I found what she wanted to eat and she's having a good breakfast before a long school day.

However, the longer goal is also important. Mom needs to work on setting healthy boundaries for Grace and helping her make good decisions. If mom is feeling taken advantage of or ignored, then she needs a sit-down with her daughter. Set a time with relatively few distractions where you can talk with your child. Perhaps after homework or before bedtime. Review the scenario in question and share your feelings with her. Encourage her to help you think of solutions to the problem of Gracie getting a nutritious breakfast without mom feeling taken advantage of.

discussion, Mom and Gracie settled on their going shopping for groceries weekly, or Gracie adding to the shopping list the kinds of breakfasts that she would like. Then each night before bedtime, Mom and Grace decide on the next day's breakfast items. Each goes to bed looking forward to the morning rather than dreading the back-and-forth hassle. Here, the boundary has been set for a good morning routine. The limit is defined as no takebacks. That is, Mom serves what Gracie decided the night before, and finishes her breakfast before. heading out to school. Mom gives Gracie a week

of the new routine before reviewing to see how well it is working. They could add some rewards and consequences depending on how Gracie respects the boundaries and accepts the limits. Most children will start such a discussion with no fair, you're being so mean. Active listen to her feelings,

but stay the course. With the limits firm and boundaries secure, children will go with the flow and feel more secure, less anxious, and involved in a mutual problem-solving relationship. and teachable moments with their parents. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologists, and Christian author of Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting.

And this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable Moments, Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.