Being there for your kids - Should You Fight Your Child's Battles?

Episode Date: October 25, 2019

As parents, our natural instinct is to defend our children, to fight their battles for them, to protect them at all costs. But is this natural instinct the most helpful for your child. The answer is, not necessarily so. Your response to your child's problems depends on the kind of battle and the age/stage of your child. However, as with any situation where you see his emotional fever spike, start with active listening, to bring the fever down. Then ask permission to give your thoughts about his conflict. Where some response from him is indicated, collaborate with him about what shape that response will take. Your overall message to him is, I love you. I'm so sorry you are going through a hard time. I have confidence in your being able to make sense of all of this and to work it out. I've got your back. Therein lies a teachable moment

Hi, I'm Dr. John Robinson, and this is Teachable Moments. Let me ask you a question when it comes to you and your children. Whose fight is it? Suppose your child comes to you with an issue. You know, something's bugging him about things not going for him how he would like. Of course, you see his emotional fever rising as he talks to you about the circumstances and you appropriately act to listen to his feelings to help him bring down the fever. He seems ready to do something about what's bothering him.

Now what? The questions are, do you help him address what's bothering him? How do you help? More importantly, whose fight is it? How can you turn his bother into a learning experience? A teachable moment? The answer is, it depends. Eight-year-old Joey got off his school bus after a long day. Mom saw from the kitchen window that his shoulders were slumped and his pace was slow. Usually, Joey had bounded off the bus and run through the back door. Oh boy, Mom thought as she wiped her hands on the dish towel. What's going on here? She greeted her little boy, got him some milk and cookies, and settled in at the kitchen table.

Mom waited. It's not fair, Joey began, words spilling out. I just kicked the ball really hard when I was up, like you're supposed to in kickball at recess. It's not my fault that my ball hit Bobby in the face and he fell down. Mom active listened, and Joey continued. Then Bobby got up and rushed at me, yelling and wanting to fight me. I didn't know what to do, so I hit him back. Then everybody got around us and yelled, fight, fight, fight, until the teacher broke it up.

Mom hugged her son tightly, and Joey teared up. What was I supposed to do, Mama? Mom has some choices here for her response. She could scold Joey for fighting. That would be judging and criticizing. Not good. She could answer his question directly and give him very good solutions. Solving his problem, also not good.

She could ask his permission to share some ideas and join him in problem solving. Bingo. Whose fight is it? It's Joey's. Mom's path to helping out and making this a teachable moment is to active listen, ask permission to offer some thoughts, and then support Joey in formulating a solution. Now, in these circumstances, age and developmental stage matters. For younger children, ages birth to six, you take care of their needs, explaining why you're doing and what you're doing. From ages 7 to 12, you collaborate and encourage your child to follow through on your discussed plan, indicating this. that if he doesn't, you will step in. From age 9 to 13 and beyond, your teen and young adult takes the lead with your encouragement and assurance that you've got his back. Getting feedback from him along the way helps you be available to consult with him. How do you help? By being there emotionally and physically for your child, come what may. Whose problem is it? Always your child's problem. How much you help depends on your child's age and developmental stage. How do you move what's happening toward being a teachable moment by collaborating, jointly problem

solving, and giving your child feedback about how he's handling the situation and how what's happening fits into the broader picture of his character and responsibility. Hopefully in return, you will get a heartfelt, thanks, Mom. I'm Dr. Jonathan C. Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author of the book Teachable Moments Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, and this has been Teachable Moments. Moments, building blocks of Christian parenting is available online at AmazonBooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.