Being there for your kids - Two Sides of a Coin

Episode Date: March 5, 2019

To have healthy, emotionally intimate communication with your kids, actually with anybody, you need to attend to both your verbal and nonverbal communication. Verbals and nonverbals are two sides of the coin. When they don't match, the listener is left with, "Wait. What???" What you say and what you do need to convey the same message. If I'm having a conversation with one of my friends and they consistently look away, I will likely stop what I'm saying and ask, "Are you okay? You seem distracted." Their words and actions are not matching. In giving your child your attention, give her all of your attention. Otherwise, she might be left with the conclusion that you don't care about her, or that her words aren't really that important to you.

This is Teachable Moments. I'm Dr. John Robinson. Verbal and nonverbal communication are kind of like two sides of the same coin. The question is, do they match? When my wife Maggie and I go out to eat, I frequently take notice of how many patrons are on their cell phones in the restaurant. Guess. Give up? Try as many as 70% of the tables in the restaurant have at least one person on their cell phone. I've seen whole families at a table each on a cell phone. Whoa. Actually, I should be glad. the family's eating together. Back in the day, families ate on average 17 of 21 meals together per week. Now, try three to four shared meals together. Verbly, we may talk about having a meal

together, but non-verbally, not so much. In relationship building, verbal communication gets all the press. Non-verbal communication is often seen merely as the backdrop for verbal communication. However, each is vital and instrumental in creating emotionally healthy relationships. To be on the same page with your child what you say and what you do should match. Missy comes up to her dad in his home office where he is paying bills. Daddy got a sec? She asks. Sure, hon, what's on your mind? He responds, without moving or looking toward her. Oh, never mind, Missy sighs. I'll see if mama can help me. She looks down, sighs, and shuffles away. Uh-huh, okay, dear, you do that. Dad absent-mindedly comments without his eyes or attention moving from the bills. Then he adds insult to injury by

stating, glad I could help, Missy would be heartbroken, but she never really expected her dad to help in the first place. Ouch. Dad's verbals were inviting, engaging, anticipating. His non-verbals were distracting, distancing, and demeaning. Missy has learned not to go to her dad with needs, but she desperately wants his attention, so she keeps hoping, maybe this time. Mom is putting the finishing touches on supper and sees her son Jake playing with the neighborhood kids outside. Time to come in, Jake, get ready for supper, she calls out the kitchen window. Okay, Mom, Jake dutifully responds. Mom gets busy with the meal. Jake's not inside after 10 minutes and she looks out again, but he's nowhere in sight. She swallows a frustrated, that boy, and then calls the mother of Jake's

best friend. After locating, scolding and threatening him, she hangs up the phone. When Jake gets home 10 minutes later, she gives him his meal to eat in his bedroom as punishment for blowing her off. He half-heartedly protests, but takes his meal to his room. While eating, he turns on his TV, pulls out his phone, and texts his friends about the show on TV. Jake's words and actions are the same-old, same-all for him. They don't match. Words and actions need to match for a relationship to be healthy. Do your words and actions match?

I'm Dr. John Robinson, licensed clinical psychologist and Christian author, and this has been Teachable Moments. Teachable moments building blocks of Christian parenting is available online at Amazonbooks.com and in local and national bookstores. More on Dr. Robinson at TMC-P-I-N-C.com.